Caley's Existential Quandary

2003-03-17T02:14:00.000-05:00

75!

Quote of the Day:
"There was a faith healer from Deal
Who said "Although Pain Isn't Real
If I sit on a pin
And it punctures my skin
I dislike what I fancy I feel."

Good times, good times.

To The Third of the Day:

Coming Soon Once CEQ moves off of Blogger.

Excellent Band Name of the Day:

Plastic Wampa

Awww yeahhhh.

Caley's Fan Mail/Advice Column of the Day:

"Dear Caley,
Sorry I haven't written in yet, but now seems like a good time since you have nothing. I was just wondering why do pennies exist?"

-Janice
Flagstaff, Ariz."

Well, Janice, it's like this:

Pennies were originally created way back in 452 B.C., when an ancient Greek philosopher names Centistikes was trying to raise money for a charity. However, he couldn't really get people to give him the money he needed. So what he did was to invent a denomination of currency so pitifully small that the people would collect em' in jars and give them to his brothe--- I mean charity, charity.

Anyway, the penny became somewhat popular after that, but it was in 1500 AD when the Freemasons started to sponsor it that it really took off. After that, no one has seriously challenged the penny, except for Abraham Lincoln. He just said one day, "Why do we even have this? It's more ridiculous than Mary Todd in a bikini!" Then the freemasons offered to put his picture on the front if he'd shut up about it, an offer which he accepted. Previously, Teddy Roosevelt had been on the penny (The Freemasons had time machines).

In conclusion, Libya is a nation of contrasts. Thank you.

E-mail Caley at AndersonC@wlu.edu! Send him your questions, and he'll prattle on at great length about total nonsense! Which is what he does in everyday life! It's like a real-life Caley simulator! I can't stop talking without quotation marks! Dear god, I'm in agony! Every day is like an excited, overenthusiastic agony! Everything I say has to be great! Otherwise it sounds funny! I mean, watch this! I ate a sandwich today! Wow, exciting!

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he put me on this planet to gather specimens and take them back to my home planet."

Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex."

Caley Synopsis of the day of the Day:

In the future there will be machines that do all my work for me. But until then, I must plod on. Here's a short list of the tasks I must do in the next 24 hours:

1- Get my next mafia target. This will be #20. I plan to stake her out. Hopefully I won't look creepy hanging out on the girls' floor at 6:00am in the morning. But I will. I ALWAYS look creepy.

2- Finish a politics paper. Wheeee.

3- Complete some reading that I need to do for a religion paper. Wheeee.

4- Go out in front of the Dining Hall during all of today's meals and campaign, as voting will be today. I'm feeling good about this one, none of my opponents even have a PLATFORM to run on, while I'm actually talking about serious issues. Excellent.

5- Finish cleaning my room. I have an honor scholar staying in my room starting Tuesday evening, so I want my room to be habitable for people other than me.

6- Make fun of Paige. If I don't do it, who will?

So you see, my day is extremely busy and you should all go easy on me. In fact, I think you should send me some money right now. Yeeesssss, and then you should work for me for free building the autotargeter for my orbital superlaser. And then you should bring me Yanni's head on a platter.

Added to the List(tm):
Yanni.

Point of Reflection of the Day:
If there is no objective truth, is everyone free to determine their own purpose in life as they see fit?

This episode of COEQ brought to you by:

Monkeys riding bikes while wearing lobster hats- "Well, I'll be damned."

AND

Microsoft- "Now, for girls, the Pink Screen of Death."

2003-02-23T20:00:00.000-05:00

Test

2003-02-17T01:21:00.000-05:00

105!

Hey, everyone! The Gimmeabuck.com guy was kind enough to put us on the top of his links page, and the top of his "Thoughts I've Received" page! Cool! Visit www.gimmeabuck.com to check em' out.

Quote of the Day:
"The spirit burning but unbent may writhe, rebel, the weak alone repent!"
-Lord Byron

To The Third of the Day:
To The Third 21- Nekkid Cubes

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:

Pretend like I'm the antichrist (which I am not, as www.googlism.com will tell you). Gather forces of evil, etc, etc. Then, when I'm about to deliver the crushing blow to the world, reveal that I am not, in fact, the antichrist, thus, Jesus will not be coming to strike me down. But it's too late now! Huha!

Excellent Band Name of the Day:

Phosphoric Information:

Definitely an electronic/techno band.

Caley's Fan Mail/Advice Column of the Day:

"S'up Caley
Yo peep dis. Me and my homey DB found some stoopid fly honeys, so I says to honey #1, "Damn Bitch, You Stoopid Fly. How's about you back that a** up and let me smack that monkey!". DB just says "Word". Next thing ya know, jimmy hat was on and we was hittin it while listenin to some fly beats. Me and DB that is - the honeys just dissed us.

John T., Houston

First of all, I would like to emphasize that this is a real letter. I did not make this up.

Second, what?

Third, oh, oh, I see. Well, you guys just enjoy yourselves there. I'll be over here, wishing I had never heard of you.

Fourth, some other thing.

Fifth, on with CEQ.

Caley's Synopsis of the day of the Day:

You want snow? We've got snow. 1.5 ft. of it, to be precise. They plowed Main Street three times and there was STILL half a foot of snow on it. Coooollllldd. Let me show you here.

I could have gone to college here:

But instead, I am going here:

Once more, to emphasize the point. Could have gone here....

Instead, going here.....

Sad, isn't it?

Cold.....so cold.

Pic of the Day:

Another snow pic. This is one of Lexington's MAIN STREETS AT 2:00 pm! Man!

Point of Reflection of the Day:
Is the nature of things essentially material, or non-material?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

The Grim Reaper- "My job? Well, it's a living, I guess. Or rather, it isn't. Hahahahahahaha! I kill me. And everyone else."

AND

Hypothetical Girl-
"Oh, she was standing there
Like some girl who was standing there
And then I said something about her hair
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
About her hair, standing there
Where's my...bear...uh......there!"

2003-02-16T03:57:00.000-05:00

106!

Quote of the Day:
"The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent full of doubt."
-Bertrand Russell

I don't know.

To The Third of the Day:
To The Third 20- Of Curves and Cubes

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:

Create a web diary/easy update system that will become used by millions of people. Then, spring a sudden trap that will cause some of the paid sites to be unable to update, while most other sites remain operational. Then.......what? Oh. Damn you, blogger! Daaaaaamnnnn yooouuuuuuuu!!!

Excellent Band Name of the Day:

Hunger Runner

This would be one of those bands that do nothing but acoustic guitar pieces with soulful, and sometimes political lyrics.

Caley's Fan Mail/Advice Column of the Day:

"What's up Caley?
Did you ever think that you might want to do some other job besides world domination? I mean, it's a big world out there, maybe there's something that'll make you happier?

Hugh
St. Paul, MN

Well, Hugh, I used to have other interests, but then........then...........::glazed look in eyes, flashback mode::

Instructor- "Hello, class, welcome to another day of cooking school."

Caley- "Yaaaaaay!"

Instructor- "Now, today, we're going to be working with boiling water, so be vvveeerrry careful not to--"

Caley- "Wha--AAAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!! OH DEAR SWEET ZOMBIE JESUS IT BUURRRRRNNSSSSS!!!! MY SKIN!!!! MY BEAUTIFUL SKIN!!!! YOU MONSTERS!!!! YOU'LL PAY!!!! YOU'LL ALLLLL PAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!!!"

And that's pretty much how I got interested in world domination, Hugh. Thanks for causing me to have flashbacks, and, no doubt this evening, nightmares.

E-mail Caley at AndersonC@wlu.edu! Send him your thoughts, and he'll scream and rant about his PTSD.

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact."

Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)"

Caley's Synopsis of the day of the Day:

My fight with blogger is like a man shouting at the void. I feel like marching to Pyro's headquarters and blasting Pink Floyd:
"Hello? Is there anybody in there?"

In two days, it'll have been a week since CEQ was disabled, and still they have done nothing. Heeeelllp.

Added to the List(tm):
People who don't listen.

Otherwise, not much happened today. I woke up really late, went to check my mail, came back, wrote a little, and have pretty much been writing, talking, or playing games on the computer the whole day. My one week respite from class begins today, so I figured I'd make the most of it.

That's about it.

Pic of the Day:

It's "Conflict in Iraq," C&C style! I know none of you have any idea what that means. Sorry.

Point of Reflection of the Day:
Is it better to be egotistical or self-loathing?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Nutri-Grain Bars: Helping to keep Caley alive since 1990.

AND

Pepsi- Filling in for Caley's actual blood for quite a while now.

2003-02-15T00:41:00.000-05:00

107!

Today, in non-celebration of the evil, pestilent holiday of Valentine's Day, here's this gem from the CEQ archives:
Human beings enjoy deceiving themselves. Our emotional environment, societal memes, and our own desire for happiness and fulfillment cause us to create happy fantasies and dreams for ourselves. These false realities, though useful in coping with and rationalizing the real world, are nonexistent and, ultimately, merely a distraction from becoming productive and remaining psychologically healthy in the day-to-day world that we all inhabit. Nowhere is this more true than in the pleasant fiction called love.
While an estimated 92% of adult Americans believe in love, this statistic is only proof of the extent to which emotional stress can drive people to invent and believe in false realities. Love has never been truly defined, but it might be described as an inherent sense of desire, passion, and longing for another person. While this is a rather simplistic definition, I believe that anyone reading this can easily conjure up images and thoughts that they feel best describe “love.”
Love, essentially, is nothing more than a person inventing a reason for him or herself to be happy. While “liking” another person, enjoying their company, and finding them generally admirable is quite possible, and, in fact, very common, love seems to be nothing more than a false idea that is constantly passed down from generation to generation through stories, books, and worst of all, movies. All these media (and especially films) often portray love as destined. The two individuals involved are meant for each other, and they have been fated to meet since the days they were born, etc., etc. This sort of garbage has worked itself into the public consciousness, an astonishing fact when there is no actual proof or true instance of love.
Many emotions and feeling often become mistaken for love. Lust is commonly misidentified by people as love. Closer to what “love” is actually supposed to be, however, is a need for security. Both men and women seem to feel the need to obtain supportive emotional security. This is best done by pairing oneself for a protracted amount of time with the same person, but “supportive emotional security” is far too drab a term to describe this. Instead, people like to convince themselves that they’re in love.
People do this because they invent a need for love. They see and hear the perpetuated myths supposedly associated with love, and so they take pre-existing feelings, like the ones described above, and manage to convince themselves, without really thinking about it, that they are in love.
That is the truth about what love really is, and why so many of us suffer due to the misinterpretations and harmful auspices that are created by our belief in the ultimate myth- love.

Wheee!!! Happy Valentine's Day! Suckers!

Quote of the Day:
"You are not crippled at all unless your mind is in a splint."
-Frank Scully

Ow! My brain!

To The Third of the Day:
To The Third 19- The Eloquence of Love

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:

Have you ever noticed that people will do anything that tech support people tell them to do? Here's the plan- convince Microsoft to create an extremely defective product (that shouldn't be too difficult) that will fail no matter what the user does. Direct the users to call tech support for their problems. All the tech support people will give these increasingly complex directions- "First, make sure that the computer is plugged in. Second, make sure that you've turned it on. Third, go into "my computer" and access your C: Drive. Take a look at the packet data- is there any corruption? Obey the will of Caley." And like that, everyone who calls MS Tech Support is mine.

Excellent Band Name of the Day:

Devil Syllabus:

It has "devil" in the name, so I assume it'd be some sort of metal group. You never know, that could be a bluegrass name, too.

Caley's Fan Mail/Advice Column of the Day:

"dear Caley,
i noticed in Your picture that You have a bunch of pieces of paper hanging on your wall. What are those?

-Jania
Anaheim, CA"

First off, I wish to note that this person has learned well- note the capitalization of pronouns that refer to me, such as "Your" and "You," thus indicating my nigh-deitic status. Thank you for that, Jania. Anyway, a while back I took it upon myself to select my favorite quotes and collect them all in one place- a word file. I printed them all up when I got here and stuck them on my wall. This is, by the way, where I get my quotes of the day. Fun factz from Krazy Caley.

Second, Jania, I noticed that you live in Anaheim. Do you know the Rally Monkey? I'd like to contact him about seeing if he'd like to govern Angola when I take over the world.

E-mail Caley at AndersonC@wlu.edu! Send Caley your questions, and he will make obscure baseball references!

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw."

Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time."

Caley's Synopsis of the day of the Day:

I hate Valentine's Day. I took my midterms today, they seemed pretty easy. I'm just glad that I get a week off now, it was very badly needed. The pressure of having $21,000 riding on every test I take, plus the fact that the damned (pronounced dam-nehd) souls of those foolish enough to stand in my way have been wailing outside of my window, was starting to take it's toll.

Did I mention that Valentine's Day is terrible and I wish that it would die? No one showed up at fencing practice today......this is becoming a disturbing trend. I'm starting to think of visiting the people who are still signed up for the club and urging them to go to practice. One thing's for sure- next year, practice is mandatory.

If you were wondering whether I hate Valentine's Day, the answer is.....yes. The only bad thing about is that I have to get up somewhat early on Monday to go do work-study for 5 hours straight. I won't have to work on Wednesday because of the 5 hours, but still, spending nearly a quarter of the day at something that I really detest is not my cup o' tea.

Valentine's Day is the work of minds so corrupted by blindness and self-interest that they have ceased to recognize the external to themselves. I found out the pleasant news that my current Mafia target may be staying here for the break, giving me ample time to eliminate him at my leisure. I hope this is true. But if not, oh well, I'll zap him on Monday.

February 14th is the day of Pestilence on the Calendar of Caley, and woe to those who celebrate this day of devilry.

Well, that's about it.

Actually, I think I'm forgetting something.

What is it?

Oh yeah.

Added to the List(tm):
Valentine's Day

Pic of the Day:

What?

Point of Reflection of the Day:
Are logic and religion at all compatible?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

A Gangsta's Paradise- In which we have been spending most our lives.

AND

The Sequel- July 2003. Stay tuned for more information.

2003-02-14T02:45:00.000-05:00

108!

"Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage, against the dying of the light."
-Dylan Thomas

My favorite line of poetry.

To The Third of the Day:

To The Third 18- Revenge in the Land of Half-Eaten Sandwiches

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:

See today's fan mail.

Excellent Band Name of the Day:

C-Dogg and the Feather Mugging Ramen Eaters

I don't know. Don't even ask.

Caley's Fan Mail/Advice Column of the Day:

"Dear Caley,
Don't you think that a good method of World Domination would be the www.zombo.com strategy?
-William
Pensacola, Florida"

William- Welcome to CEQ. This is CEQ. Welcome. This is CEQ. Welcome to CEQ. You can do anything at CEQ. Anything at all. The only limit is yourself. Welcome to CEQ. Welcome to CEQ. This is CEQ. Welcome to CEQ. This is CEQ, welcome. Yes. This is CEQ. This is CEQ, and welcome to you who have come to CEQ. Anything is possible at CEQ. You can do anything at CEQ. The infinite is possible at CEQ. The unattainable is unknown at CEQ. Welcome to CEQ. This is CEQ. Welcome to CEQ. Welcome. This is CEQ. Welcome to CEQ. Welcome to CEQ.

E-mail Caley at AndersonC@wlu.edu! Send Caley your ideas, and he'll hypnotize you into....into.....welcome to CEQ. This is CEQ. Welcome.

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, mankind should be thinking about getting more use out of the weapons we already have."

Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk."

Caley's Synopsis of the day of the Day:

More chess with the Dean of Students. Today's results:

Caley (White) Vs. Dean (Black)- Caley wins
Caley (Black) Vs. Dean (White)- Caley wins
C-White Vs. D-Black- Draw
C-Black Vs. D-White- Caley loses

Wheee. Most of the day has been spend studying for my midterms, so there's not a lot to tell today. Blogger continues to be stupid.

Added to the List(tm):
Midterms

Added to the List(tm):
Blogger's continuing sucking

Added to the List(tm):
Really short CSOTDotDs.

Pic of the Day:

No, no, I'm all right ACCCACCRRRGGRGRHGHGH!!!!!

Point of Reflection of the Day:
What is the meaning of this....this is zombo.com.....welcome to zombo.com..Err, I mean, in life, and justice, and zombo.com. And......the infinite is possible at zombo.com.....the unattainable is....is....no! no....ok. Speaking of infinite, can anything truly be infinite, or is that a contradiction in terms? I mean....in...zombo.com....anything is possible....at zombo.com....welcome.

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

The letter D- Fired by Sesame Street

AND

Zombo.com.....welcome....to Zombo.com......welcome.....this is zombo.com.......DAMN YOU, WILLIAM OF PENSACOLA, FLORIDA!!!!

2003-02-13T02:10:00.000-05:00

109!

"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation."
-Henry Thoreau

To The Third of the Day:

To The Third 17- Rhapsody in Pink

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:

Create a mind control device in each newly manufactured radio that ggaahhhhh....ahhhh......SUPERLASER!!! SUUUUUPPPERLAAASSEEERR!!!
::ahem:: Sorry. Anyway, let's see. We'll, I'll concoct a potion, that, when mixed with ordinary water, wil SUPERLASER!! AAAHHHHHH, SUPERLASER!!!! Er, sorry, folks. Just this little tic I have. Pay it no mindSUPERLASER!!!! SSSSUUPPER!!! LLLLLAAAAASSSERRRRR!!!

Excellent Band Name of the Day:

Spoon Boy and the Potentials

Would play hard rock such as that found in The Matrix.

Caley's Fan Mail/Advice Column of the Day:

"you are ghey, your sight is ghey, all the stuff that you pu ton it is stupid. have a nice day, loser.
-fly for a white guy"

People often ask me, "Caley, why do you so bitterly hate humanity and want to enslave it for your own profit and amusement?" The answer is that when I take over, people like this will wear electric dog collars at all times. Whenever they misspell something intentionally, use poor grammar, or make unjustified critcisms of other people's work, they will receive an extraordinarily painful shock. Quickly they will succumb to the will of Caley. "Fly for a white guy," you truly are a paramount example of the heights that the human race can achieve. Oh, wait, did I say heights? I mean "worst scumsucking depths imaginable." That must have come out wrong. I'm glad you hope I have a nice day, but I hope you don't. In fact, I hope that bees sting you on your eyes. That'll learn you.

Honestly, people, I can't make up stuff this stupid. I like publishing your letters, but if you're going to insult me, at least put some EFFORT into it, eh? Come on. I know you can do it.

E-mail Caley at AndersonC@wlu.edu! Send him your petty insults, and he will rain terror and pain on you and all of your descendants forever!

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick."

Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win."

Caley's Synopsis of the day of the Day:

Got a 92 on that history test. It was easy after all, and I didn't even need to spend that much time studying on it. Woo-hah. Now I have to study for midterms. Out of the frying pan and into the fire indeed. More like, out of the fire and into the huge freaking active volcano.

Added to the List(tm):
Stupid proverb rewrites

Oh, well. Not much else to report today. I couldn't get my mafia target because he didn't show in class; I'll get him Friday. Did work study, but none of you want to hear about the glory and excitement attached to working in the Office of Institutional Research, where looking at numbers is OUR #1 PRIORITY!!! YAAAAAYY!!

Added to the List(tm):
Staring at numbers

See you tomorrow, or whenever Blogger decides to start working again.

Pic of the Day:

The shield will be down in moments. You may begin your landing.

Point of Reflection of the Day:
How are we to define justice?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

The 13th President of the United States- Millard. What a loser.

AND

The 29th President of the United States- Warren. What a loser.

2003-02-12T00:12:00.000-05:00

110!

Quote of the Day:
"Woe to the vanquished"
-Livy

To The Third of the Day:

To The Third 16- Aliens, Freebase Bungee Jumping, And Wicked Headaches

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:

Create a "Clock Confusion" Ray. This ray, when fired, will alter any clock to change its time by a random interval anywhere from one second to 23 hours, 59 minutes, and 59 seconds. Take my superlaser's power supply and attach it to this clock ray. Send the clock ray up on a satellite, and fire it repeatedly. Eventually, all the world's clocks will be set to different times, and efforts to fix the problem will fail, as the ray will just fire again, and all reliable sources (such as the Greenwich World Master Clock) will be altered as well. With the world thus thrown into temporal chaos, I will easily be able to take over the world, since communication between world militaries, law enforcement agencies, etc, will be utterly useless without a time reference.

Excellent Band Name of the Day:

Psychotic Frog Barbers

Metal Band that will feature T-shirts of their namesake.

Caley's Fan Mail/Advice Column of the Day:

"Dear Caley,
Why do guys leave the seat up?

-Janice
Saginaw, MI"

I'm glad you came to me, Janice. You see, guys leave the seat up because we're wired that way through an evolutionary mindset. Back in the days of yore, when cavemen and such roamed the earth, things were different. There were toilets, then, certainly, but they were crude, stone toilets with very heavy seats. And the reason for this had nothing to do with hygenics. Back then, wolves, dogs and other canines had just as strong an impulse for drinking out of the toilet as they do now. Since they were required for food, men became accustomed to leaving the seats on toilets up, and then slamming them back down on the necks and heads of the canines when they came to drink from the toilet. So you see, leaving the toilet seat up was a necessity for sustenance that has now been phased out, and is vestigial. So I hope you'll understand that we guys, when we leave the toilet seat up, are just following our primal instinct.

Actually, we're just lazy.

E-mail Caley at AndersonC@wlu.edu! Send him your questions, and he'll respond with a faux historical theory and self-contradiction!

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won't laugh at a man just walking down the street carrying a clown outfit in one of those plastic dry-cleaner bags?"

Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them."

Caley's Synopsis of the day of the Day:

Blogger is beginning to anger me. Today's update, and yesterday's, have not yet been published as I write this due to an internal error. As a result, and as you know, CEQ is delayed. Rrggh.

Added to the List(tm):
Blogger Internal Errors

It snowed this morning, and for most of yesterday, so things are looking pretty whitish around here. It's not that cold, though.

We had a really easy test in Philosophy. I think I'm doing pretty well in all my classes, so yeah, woo-hoo for me.

That's about it. Tomorrow, hypothetical death to my mafia target!

Pic of the Day:

We must strike Iraq now to stop this madman.

Point of Reflection of the Day:
Which is worth more- The lives of five human beings, or the lives of all the dogs on the planet?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Sweet Idaho Brown- Living in Georgia's shadow

AND

Sweet Celery Pie- Living in Potato's shadow.

2003-02-11T01:59:00.000-05:00

Sorry this is late, but Blogger crapped out on me.

111!

Quote of the Day:
"To deceive oneself is very easy."
-Proverb

Nah....nah, I don't think it is......yeah....yeah, that's it.....not true at all.

To The Third of the Day:

To The Third 15- Listen To What The Cube Said

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:

Host an event known as the "Collective One Hit Wonder Comeback Festival." This musical festival will feature such acts Vanilla Ice, Rico Suave, Kris Kross, and so on. Eager to rejuvenate their long-dead careers, these individuals will be more than willing to help me implement my ultimate plan- creation of a pop music genre so repetitive, lyrically stifling, and unimaginative that the public (who will, of course, love any such music) will actually lose severe amounts of intelligence by listening to it. With the population of the world thus dumbed down, I will be free to either use my veteran army of colobus monkeys with sticks, or......

I say S-U-P-E-R
It's super, super,
And L-A-S-E-R
It's a laser, laser
When you put the two together
Super, super, laser, laser
On the left side! ("Super!")
On the right side! ("Laser!")
Left! ("Super!") Right! ("Laser!")
Superlaser!!!!
Woooo!!! Go Caley!!! Woooo!!!

Excellent Band Name of the Day:

Caley and the Whalers

A rock/ska band that would play remixes of classical music. Note that the spelling is NOT "Wailers," like Bob Marley's band, instead it's "Whalers" The band symbol would be a harpoon.

Caley's Fan Mail/Advice Column of the Day:

"Dear Caley,
I see that you, like me, are attempting world domination. How about we team up? I'm the greatest living evil mastermind there is, you could use me. How's about it? We could rule the world with an iron fist of doom."

-Danny
-Palo Alto, CA

We could, Danny, but how about no? If you were really the greatest living evil mastermind there is, YOU wouldn't be asking ME for an evil alliance of "doom," as you put it (honestly, "doom"? That's so cliche). The very fact that you are supplicating yourself is because I am the greatest livi-- no, you know what, the greatest evil mastermind of all time, and you know it. Your pathetic attempt to jump on the Caley bandwagon to achieve a position of power is so blatantly obvious that I cannot help but laugh. It is, in fact, so humorous that I cannot help but type out my joviality. Ahhahahah...hahahaha...ahha...ha.

You know, "There Can Be Only One" is a really good saying. The addendum to it that no one ever sees is "There can actually be more than one, but pretty much everyone besides that one will be out in the quarries lifting rocks and moving them around for no apparent reason save the one's amusement." So instead of trying to lick my boots, Danny, you should get up, go grab a rock, and get moving. I wouldn't want my secret police to accidentally stab you with an electro-prod if you didn't.

E-mail Caley at AndersonC@wlu.edu! Send Caley your ideas, and he will laugh at you and order you to do pointless, near-Sisyphian tasks for his own amusement.

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" No. I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."

Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no."

Caley's Synopsis of the day of the Day:

My current Mafia target is another one of those hard ones. I staked out his room this morning, but I have the unfortunate disability of tracking a target who is in a double. This morning, I didn't know which one was my target and which was the innocent roommate, so when they both came out to get ready for the day, I didn't know which one to follow. I ended up choosing the one that looked more like a Californian (my target is from California, his roommate is a Massachusetts native). I tracked him out of the building, where he got into an SUV and drove down to the freshman parking lot. After he left I peered into the car and saw a notebook with my target's name on it. So at least I know which one he is now. Coincidentally, I have a class with him, I noticed, but I can never seem to get out of the classroom before he does (classrooms are off-limits for shooting someone in the game, so you have to wait until they get out). Whenever I try to follow him, I lose him in the huge crowd that masses in the halls when class is over.

Added to the List(tm):
Huge Crowds

On Wednesday I'll see if I can get the prof. to let me out a few minutes early. I'm getting closer, anyway.

Not much else happened today. Dinner was butter crumb cod. It's a good dish, but D-hall serves it at least once a week, so I'm getting sort of tired of it. I am commencing studying for midterms today, as most of them will happen on Friday. This is the last week before February Break, so I just need to get through four more days until I can get some well-deserved rest.

Pic of the Day:

It's EXTREEEEEEMMME CHESS!!! (air guitar)

Point of Reflection of the Day:
What is it about physical pain that makes it so unpleasant?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

The Word "Wherewithal"- Do you have it?

AND

The Sweet Chariot- It's a swinger.

2003-02-10T00:51:00.000-05:00

NOTE- If you're looking for Tuesday's update, then you'll have to wait. The CEQ engine is non-operational at the moment (thanks a lot, Blogger), but the update is there, and I'll publish it as soon as I can.

-The Management

112!

Quote of the Day:
"It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees."
-Dolores Ibarruri

To The Third of the Day:

To The Third 14- Blue's Sincere Apology

And for those of you asking, yes, I do the To The Thirds myself. What, do you think it's hard? Look at it. They're freaking cubes. It's not like I have any artistic talent.

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:

Turn my awe-inspiring writing skills to the relatively easy task of romance novelization. You know the kind, the ones with the huge rippling guy and the busty woman wrapped up in a sheet or a curtain or some other flowing textile. In any case, in the middle of every page, there will be the phrase "Caley is your ruler." Because my target audience will be the kind of people who LIKE these novels, they will quickly be enslaved by the subliminal message. Because we're talking about romance novel buffs here, they'll also use the phrase in everyday speech inadvertently, all the time. "Hey, you wanna go get some ice cream? Caley is your ruler." They will repeat it so often that eventually EVERYONE will fall to my will. Yaaaayyy!!

Excellent Band Name of the Day:

Patented Charm:
This would actually be a hardcore metal group with a hyper-ironic name.

Caley's Fan Mail/Advice Column of the Day:

"Hello Caley
Greetings from Kiwiland (New Zealand). Because you're so fond of doing fight scenarios, here's a good one- Australia against New Zealand. Hope you're having fun at university.

-Marshall
Auckland

Well, Marshall, or, as I shall refer to you for the remainder of this response, "Marshy," it all comes down to one thing: geography. Look at the nearest map of Oceania you may have lying around. You'll notice that Australia is far larger than New Zealand. It also has a larger population, a larger industrial complex, etc. I mean, come on, has NEW ZEALAND ever hosted an olympics? I think not. Actually, with that said, I still think New Zealand will win, and here's why:

Australia will be winning for most of this fight. They'll march right in to New Zealand and occupy most of the territory. The Kiwis will only be able to conduct resistance and guerrila war. But the one thing the Aussies are forgetting is the Lord of the Rings factor. It is well-known that Middle Earth is actually New Zealand (really, it is. Check it out.) Therefore, the Australia-Australia-Australians (savage MP ripoff) will only THINK they've won. But can they stand up to the pissed-off, combined forces of EVERYONE in Middle-Earth? You'll have tens of thousands of men, dwarves, elves, orcs, goblins, Uruk-Hai, wargs, and the like, all descending on the hapless RAA. Gwaihir will tear apart the Australian air force by himself, for crying outloud. And let's not forget the wizards. Gandalf, Saruman, and possibly Radagast (the loser) will deal out some serious PAIN. And need I even mention Sauron, Lord of Darkness? He'll be after the poor down-underers (?) with his ring of evil, his galoshes of wickedness, and his umbrella of doom. Then he'll be pimpin' it afterwards in the evilmobile. Sauron is awesome.

So yeah, ordinarily I would say that Australia wins, but LotR comes through in the clutch for the Zealand that is New. Heh. Marshy.

E-mail Caley at AndersonC@wlu.edu! Send him your questions, and he will insult your nationality through an Americentric pop culture worldview!

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet."

Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner."

Caley's Synopsis of the day of the Day:

Nothing really happened today, at all. Woke up, hung around, went to the Phi (that's the newspaper) office, worked on some stuff, came back, hung around, talked with Matt for a while, ate dinner, came back, hung around, and just generally vegged out. Oh, and thanks for sending me your e-mails, guys. I have like 20 of them backed up now. I'll try to answer them all eventually, if I can, but I get more each day. So yeah.

Can't really think of any relevant things that suck, so I'll just say this:

Added to the List(tm):
The last 1/10th of a bottle of Coke.

Pic of the Day:

It's water polo. Get it? Water.....polo....ahha...ha.

Point of Reflection of the Day:
For this one, a quote from Lao-Tzu
"Was I then a man dreaming that I was a butterfly, or am I now a butterfly dreaming I am a man?"

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Woodstock- | | / | | \ |\|| ||\ ||\\/| \||

AND

Martha Stewart's Ex-Husband- "Yeah, I'm pretty astonished I still have my soul, too."

2003-02-09T01:26:00.000-05:00

113!

Quote of the Day:
"Teach me to live, that I may dread the grave as little as my bed."
-Thomas Ken

The problem with that is that you might die. But that's fine with me, I guess, since I'll be living forever.

To The Third of the Day:

To The Third 13- An Unfortunate Necessity

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:

Create a huge factory that will produce nothing but square mile after square mile of fuzzy shag carpet. Using my own personal charisma (read as "personal threat of violence"), persuade carpet installers all over the world to install fuzzy shag carpet everywhere on the planet, including as a cover for the world's oceans. What will the end result of this be? Static electricity EVERYWHERE. People will get severely zapped EVERY time they try to touch something that's even SORT OF a conductor. With the world's population thus unable to utilize 75% of their tools and equipment, I'll be free to take over the world from a hot-air balloon.

Excellent Band Name of the Day:

Tricky Gimmick
This would be a techno/electric metal band featuring weird guys with long hair and funny hats.

Caley's Fan Mail/Advice Column of the Day:

"Hey Caley,
Me and all the other girls in my intro. to comps. class, and hey, why not in the world, want to know, are you single?

;)
Kara
Trenton, NJ

Oh yeah, Kara. I am on the market, and you better bid before I'm going, going, gone. Get in line, sister, cause' you're going to be waiting a while. You can't get in to see Caley right now. It's physically impossible, as the girls are CLIMBING ALL OVER HIM. You know, I mean, what can I say? I'm a chick magnet. A babe conductor. A logarithm.....for the ladies (SBR). I am up for grabs, and oh how many grabs there are.

In other words, yes, the future world despot is hot, smart, and single. What more could a girl want?

E-mail Caley at AndersonC@wlu.edu! Send him your innocuous queries, and he will exaggerate to a ridiculous degree.

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him."

Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild."

Caley's Synopsis of the day of the Day:

I found out that my would-be mafia stalker really was mistaken about my identity and gender, and mistakenly shot someone named Kayla. Thus, she's out, and I can once again reveal to you all that yes, I am a guy.

The radio show went well today. Played some good songs; nothing really difficult happened. Also they had a nice dinner, french fries, rice, beef wellington, GOOD chicken patties. That's the life right there. The only problem was the presence of mushrooms in the Beef Wellington.

Added to the List(tm):
Mushrooms

And now I've spent most of my free time today writing. What am I writing, you ask? It's a secret. It has to do with Socrates, though. Socrates is cool. The people who killed him suck.

Added to the List(tm):
Anytus, Lycon, and the other guy whose name I forget.

Yeah, yeah, so it's been quite a day. And right now I'm just sitting here, typing.......typing.

Pic of the Day:

The coward's way out.

Point of Reflection of the Day:
Which is more important, justice, or the sanctity of life?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

General Howe- "Hello, I'm the local idiot, and I'll be attempting to ruin your Revolutionary War today."

AND

Hypothetical Girl-
"Circles........she's spinning me around in circles, again.
Ohhhh, that skinny blond girl
Something about the ages
I failed college algebra again
Ohhhh, that skinny blond girl
With the circles and the ages and the ages."

Appearing live at Smokey Bob's Cafe.

2003-02-08T00:04:00.000-05:00

114!

Quote of the Day:
"The physician cutteth off a long disease, and he that is today a king tomorrow shall die."
-Ye Olde Biblee of Ye Olde Christiane Faithe

It does have some good things in it.

To The Third of the Day:

To The Third 12- Things

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:

Convince Barbra Streisand that the thing that the world really needs from her now is her impassioned rendition of "Dream Weaver." Make a recording of this performance (with earplugs on, obviously). Using PayPal contributions given through this website, construct a huge satellite, speaker, and transmission system that will force every human being on the planet to listen to this performance over and over and over and over. Just before everyone goes insane, they'll beg me for sweet, sweet release. I'll offer to stop the song....if I'm made world ruler.

Excellent Band Name of the Day:

The TTP Project
This is what I would name my band. The TTP stands for "The TTP Project"

Caley's Fan Mail/Advice Column of the Day:

"Dear Caley,
Your website is great, and I really enjoy reading it each day. But I don't think that enough attention is paid to a figure who is very important in American history. I am, of course, referring to that highly influential religious and political leader, Brigham Young. How about it, Caley?

-Bea
Washington, D.C."

Shut the hell up. For you even to MENTION that name carries with it the pain of death by 1,001 paper cuts. So I repeat- Shut.....the HELL....up.

E-mail Caley at AndersonC@wlu.edu! Send him your questions, and he might torture you in the most painful way possible!

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money."

Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again."

Caley's Synopsis of the day of the Day:

Class, yeah, that wasn't very interesting. After class, I worked on a few newspaper stories, and started putting together my radio show. Dinner was ROTISSERIE CHICKEN. Yum. However, they had cordoned off half of the D-Hall, and then they told us that we'd only have a half-hour to eat because there was an alumni dinner coming up.

Added to the List(tm):
Treating people who are not in the school better than paying students in the school.

My mafia target was kind enough to leave his door open and unguarded this evening for a protracted period of time. I went in and took some shots with my digital camera (and hid his gun on his roomate's desk to divert his suspicion onto his roommate) I now know what he looks like, and I'm trying to memorize some of the hats that he wears. Huhaaaahahahahahah.

Pic of the Day:

Stupid Polar Bears.

Point of Reflection of the Day:
Is what is good the same as what is advantageous?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Stupidity- Amusing Caley since 1984.

AND

The Space Weasels that Eat My Face- "Caley's Face is Delicious."

2003-02-07T00:48:00.000-05:00

115!

First off, an announcement:
Mad props to da' Pizzaige for da' flow of total brainage and d'idea for da' BNotD, bboooyyeeeeeee!
(Thanks for that idea, Paige)

Quote of the Day:
"Who dares, wins."
-Motto, British SAS

To The Third of the Day:

To The Third 11- Little Known Medical Synonyms

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:

I will simply amass a huge army of people amazingly loyal to me personally. But the key thing here is that I will succeed with this plan where others have failed. Why? I will stay the hell out of Russia during the winter.

NEW FEATURE
Excellent Band Name of the Day(thanks to Paige for the idea):

Hypothetical Girl
This would be an emo band filled entirely with semi-scruffy looking guys.

Caley's Fan Mail/Advice Column of the Day:

"Dear Caley,
As the future subject of your own tyrannical regime, I had a quick question. Will income tax be lower or higher than it is now? Thanks.

-Alan
Portland, OR

I have good news and bad news for you, Alan. The good news is that there will be no income tax. When I take office, I will abolish all forms of monetary taxation. The bad news for you is that you will have no income. You will work for free as a slave, and the only reward you will have will be meager bowls of soup, slightly-dirty water, and a hard slab of rock to sleep on. So to answer your question, lower, but that's not always a good thing.

-Caley

E-mail Caley at AndersonC@wlu.edu! Send him your questions, and he will describe your dark, bleak future existence!

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"Marta talks about sensuality, but I don't think she'd know sensuality if it bit her on the ass."

Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency."

Caley's Synopsis of the day of the Day:

Finally, I have my fencing money. It took a lot of cutting through red tape, but I now have a check for $675.00 for the vendor we're purchasing from. The stuff will either be here Friday or Monday, and fencing will be able to resume. Woo-hoo!

Added to the List(tm):
Red Tape

Also, philosophy class was entertaining today. Someone said "But since we all accept Christianity as true, can't we assume (x proposition)?" My philosophy teacher raised an eyebrow at that and looked around the room, just waiting for someone to jump on it. I raised my hand and gave a nice objective critque of her assumptive argument that I don't think revealed my true attitudes about her view. Ha...ah haha...ha.

Added to the List(tm):
People who assume that their views are the only views.

And I ate dinner, which was FRIED CHICKEN. That was damn good stuff. Tomorrow is ROTISSERIE CHICKEN. The bad news is that the Dining Hall will be closing for all of February Break! February Break is the week after next week, and it lasts for the entire 7 days. I don't want to starve during February Break, since I'm not going home, and I also don't want to spend $100 on subsistence. I am also against living on Ramen and fountain water for the whole week. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about this yet.

Added to the List(tm):
Untimely D-Hall Closures

Pic of the Day:

What in the name of all that is good and decent??!!

Point of Reflection of the Day:
Is it possible to know something without having NOT known it previously?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Those Freaky-ass Old Guys Who Jog Around In Speedos- "Ehehuheuhehuheuheeuhe"

AND

Sideshow Bob and Rakes- "Ehehhuehheehueheheuh"

2003-02-06T01:25:00.000-05:00

116!

Wow, we're up to 50 different people who have viewed this site. Yarr, that be a lot for a blog. Tell your friends. And buy stuff to give to the "Lots of Awesome Stuff For Caley Fund."

Quote of the Day:
"I earn that I eat, get that I wear, owe no man hate, envy no man's happiness, glad of other men's good, content with my harm."
-William Shakespeare

To The Third of the Day:

To The Third 10- More like Ctrl-Alt-Your Mom

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:

Create a new Tic Tac flavor, SuperUltraHyperGlobalMega Mint. This flavor will be 1,000,000 times as fresh as "Wintergreen" or "Fresh Mint." It will, in fact, be so fresh that you will keel over in non-lethal agony from the astounding freshness of it all. Your breath will be fresh for months. But the result of being keeled over on the ground from a couple days due to freshness- conquest by my stick-wielding colobus monkey army.

Caley's Fan Mail/Advice Column of the Day:

"Dear Caley,
how's it going. i read that you were from san diego, i'm also from san diego. you sound pretty nice and funny, maybe we should get together sometime. e-mail me if your interested.
jake
lakeside CA

Look, Jake. Perhaps you don't quite understand who I am. Unless (total SB ripoff) your name is short for Jacobrietta, or Jake-Sue, or something like that, it's just not going to work out between you and I. And now, so I don't get any more e-mails like this, here's the Caley Anderson FAQ:

"Are you a guy or a chick?"
-I am a guy.

"How do you pronounce your name?"
-Cay-lee

Thank you.

E-mail Caley at AndersonC@wlu.edu! Send him your queries, and he will shoot you down like Canadians shoot down the Red Baron.

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide.
Then, at the very end, there's a page that can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid."

Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system."

Caley's Synopsis of the day of the Day:

Tracked target 18 today in Mafia, who happens to be in one of my morning classes. I found out that she had no class right after the one she shares with me, so I hustled ahead of her after the class was over to her dorm building, and just stood inside the doorway pretending like I was fiddling with something or another. She finally walks in, and the conversation goes like this:

Caley- "Hey, Emily."
Emily- "Yeah?"

Hahaha, gotcha. My next target is in my own dorm building, but I share no classes with him. This will be a bit trickier.

Nothing else really happened today. I'm kind of hungry, but I really don't want to eat any more Ramen right now (I had a dream about Ramen a couple nights back, I'm eating WAY too much of that stuff), and I don't want to spend any more money than I have to on unnecessary food. I only ate a light dinner, and since I don't eat anything BUT dinner each day, stomach is grumbling. Maybe I'll get up early tomorrow for breakfast. Or maybe not.

Added to the List(tm):
Getting Up Early

Pic of the Day:

The person who did this to their cat should be arrested and hung.

Point of Reflection of the Day:
Where does the root cause of war lie? With individual leaders, with nations, or with international systems?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Awexome Cross 98- Thrills, Chills, and Syrup.

AND

Sick, eerie, twisted bastards who like to sing "Clementine" drunk out by the pier at 3am every morning.

2003-02-05T17:13:00.000-05:00

Here are the retroactive titles for all the To The Thirds up to this point. If you're looking for the Wednesday update, it's right below this stuff.

To The Third 1- 3D Philosophy
To The Third 2- Primary Off-Colors
To The Third 3- You Daaaaamn Right.
To The Third 4- Pacifism and Blunt Force Trauma
To The Third 5- Exhaustive Cursories
To The Third 6- A Lesson For Us All
To The Third 7- Sentience in Multimedia
To The Third 8- TV-Smashing Hammer
To The Third 9- Mizundastood.....or just stupid.

Coming up, To The Third 10- More like Ctrl-Alt-Your Mom

.

2003-02-05T02:04:00.000-05:00

117!

Before I get started, I have noticed the e-mails from some of you requesting to know what I look like. Here, then, by popular demand, is Caley Anderson:

Haha, no, just kidding. Really, I'm one of these two people, and if you don't know whether I'm female or male, then you'll just have to find out for yourself some other way:

To The Third of the Day:

Note- from now on, I'll title them with appropriate...er...titles.

To The Third 9- Mizundastood...or just stupid

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:
Create and sell a new brand of toaster pastries called "Tot Parts." It'll seem like an innocent little breakfast food made out of babies, but did I mention that they're MIND CONTROL pastries? Wait, wait, no, that one's no good. What about if I built some sort machine that will flood the world with chocolate, no, no, that wouldn't work either. Let's see, what if I somehow launched a satellite that could fire subliminal messages in the form of morse code tapped out by firing electrons at specific people, no, no. Oh, wait, I've got it. I'll create a toaster pastry made out of babies and mind control powder, and then force mind-controlled rocket scientists to build a satellite that will subliminally force everyone on the planet to spend 24 hours a day doing nothing but making liquid chocolate, thus flooding the world in the substance! MWAHAHAHAHA!! They'll be helpless.

Caley's Fan Mail/Advice Column of the Day:

Wow. I have three real letters on backlog, so unless otherwise noted, fan mail from now on is real.

"Dear Caley,
I represent the American Council for the Promotion of Broccoli Butter (ACPBB), and I would like to protest in the strongest terms against your placing of Broccoli Butter onto your "List of Things That Suck." Broccoli Butter is a well respected product that finds its way into the homes of over some number of Americans per year. Thank you.

-VP of Protesting Bob Newhart
ACPBB"

Well, Bob, that's as may be, but it doesn't change the fact that your product sucks. Butter is butter and broccoli is broccoli, and merging the two in some sort of unholy synthesis has ensured that, like all other things on the List(tm), your product will be wiped from the Earth in a veritable festival of blood and suffering once I take over. I mean, really, what's the "some number" of Americans that buy Broccoli Butter, -2?
Bob Newhart. What a silly name. You fool.

E-mail Caley at AndersonC@wlu.edu! Send Caley your fake protests, and he'll make fun of your fictional character!

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone."

Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment."

Caley's Synopsis of the day of the Day:

Not every day does one get to speak personally with Kurt Vonnegut. He came to give a speech at my school today, and at the reception afterwards, I had the privilege of speaking to him personally for a brief time. His speech was mostly a bunch of witticisms strung together to prove some particular point. Here are some of the highlights:

“Here’s some advice for new writers- don’t use semi-colons. Semi-colons are the most godawful worthless things ever invented. They’re like transvestite hermaphrodites.”

On the advice of Kurt Vonnegut,
Added to the List(tm):
;

“If you want to make your parents mad, but you don’t have the guts to be a homosexual, then you should at least try the arts.”

“I hate it when advertisers shove pictures of beautiful models in my face and insinuate that if I don’t buy whatever they’re selling, every American in the nation except me will get laid tonight. We all know that millions of people aren’t going to get laid tonight. Even the President of the United States won’t get laid tonight. Why not the President? I mean, it is a pretty complicated process, after all.”

At the reception, I spoke with him for a while after most of the other people had left, and I got to ask him how he came up with the idea for Cat's Cradle, and he said that he had always thought it interesting that a religion could be false, but still useful and moral. He decided to build a religion that embraced that platitude as its unifying truth, and then he wrote the rest of the novel around it. Bokononism is the central focus of the book, in other words. Quite a guy.

Pic of the Day:

The depressing thing is that they think they're cool.

Point of Reflection of the Day:

Kant's Dilemma: You are walking through a war-torn country when you see a group of soldiers about to execute three civilians. You ask their commander "What are these people guilty of?" The commander replies "Nothing, but last night one of our men was killed in his sleep. This is both a punishment and an example." When you protest that they will definitely be killing at least two innocent people, if not three, the commander sneers and tells you that there is no place for mercy or moralizing in war- "I'll tell you what. I will let two of the three go free, if you yourself kill the other one." Is it better to save the lives of two yet dirty your own hands with the probable murder of an innocent, or is it better to remain free of guilt yourself but let more people die? If you say the latter, what if you'd save 5 lives? 10? 50? 100?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Either Santa Claus or the CIA- "Knows when you've been sleeping, knows when you're awake. Knows if you've been bad or good."

AND

The Chameleons of Pestilence

2003-02-04T03:30:00.000-05:00

118!

Quote of the Day:
"What is it to be conservative? Is it not adherence to the old and tried against the new and untried?"
-Abraham Lincoln

Republicans, "party of Lincoln" indeed. He was a Republican, but you have to remember that back then, Republicans were liberal and Democrats were conservative. Mr. Lincoln'd be Democratic today.

To The Third of the Day:

To The Third 8

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:
Tell everyone that they can call a certain number for free money, with a promise of no telemarketeing or any of that sort of thing. Some people won't call, but naturally, a lot will. Divert the electricity sent by the phone co. to make my phone ring and/or flash to power a

Caley's Fan Mail/Advice Column of the Day:

More real ones! This may just become a real advice column.

"Dear Caley,
I liked today's letter, so here are more potential fight scenarios for you:
1- A superlaser vs. a plasma cannon (which does more damage?)
2- George Foreman now Vs. Muhammad Ali now
3- You Vs. Abraham Lincoln
4- Colleen Vs. Ashley
5- Homestar Runner Vs. Emotion Eric

Thank you
Tran,
Bangor"

Tran- You're hardcore, man, hardcore. Here I go:

1- The Superlaser. While theoretically, plasma-based fusion weapons would be more destructive than your ordinary laser weapon, this is not an ordinary laser. This is a SUPERLASER. SUPER. That means it kicks ass. Superlaser in three seconds.

2- First of all, I would like to state that if this were a fight in their prime, Ali would win, KO in the third. But, regrettably, I must acknowledge that in their old age, their actual physical capability to hurt one another will be drastically ineffectualized. Therefore, it will come down to equipment. And who has THE piece of equipment. That's right, George Foreman and his lean, mean, fat-burning machine. Foreman and the grill in 7.

3- Tough to say. If I can keep things at a distance, my deadly martial arts skills will be able to wear down the Great Emancipator from a distance with long-range kicks. If he gets in close, though, watch out. He was a champon wrestler. But it's easier to get in close than to stay away, so I have to hand this one to Abe.

4- This fight is the one that will get top billing. This fight will end in a horrible mess, and here's why: First, Ashley will barge in on one of Colleen's Stuco meetings with a huge barrel full of delicious, hot chicken. She'll throw it at Colleen's stuco lackeys, rendering them immobile with deliciousness for the rest of the fight. From then, I see it being a pummeling bloodbath ending in a draw when both of them make up and decide to unite to make fun of me.

5- Homestar Runner ALWAYS wins EVERY competition he ever enters. It clearly says so in the Book of Unquestionably True Things, which I just happen to be the author of. Emotion Eric is funny, but will he stand up to Homestar's brutal Flying Ninja Kicks? And can Emotion Eric really face the music when Homestar has the ability to summon jet aircraft, military sea vessels, etc., merely by uttering the words "'Toons', 'Games', 'Characters', 'Store', and 'E-mail'?" Homestar will submit a new request to emotioneric.com- "Just got the f**k beaten out of you by a guy with no visible arms."

E-mail Caley at AndersonC@wlu.edu! Send him your worthless pop trivia, and he will answer you with trivia of negative worth.

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling."

Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage."

Caley's Synopsis of the day of the Day:

Not at all bad for a Monday. I didn't sleep last night, as has become my custom on Sunday Night/Monday Morning, so I decided just to go keep observation on my Mafia target's room until he woke up. His room is strategically badly placed. There are two corners two feet away from his door that you can hide behind, and his door is about four feet away from the stairwell door, which has a little window in it. So I went and sat in the stairwell and watched his door through the little window starting at about 6:15 or so. Sure enough, he exited his room and headed to his hall's bathroom around 7:30. Seeing him enter the bathroom, I exited the stairwell, crept into his hall, and hid behind one of those corners. As soon as I heard the bathroom door reopen, I whirled around and.....

My next target will be very easy to get, too. Movin' along- I found my keys, they were underneath a piece of paper (I have lots of pieces of paper in my room, so it's just a matter of looking under them all). So now I'm whole again, hurrah for that. Come to think of it, the only bad thing that happened today was that no one showed up for fencing practice. But that would look lame on the List(tm), so I'll add this generic thing:

Added to the List(tm):
World Hunger

Pic of the Day:

I think I speak for all of us when I say "huh?"

Point of Reflection of the Day:
Is it better to have a free choice and risk doing wrong, or to do right but have no choice in the matter?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Street-fighting Chinese women- "Ya ta!"

AND

Kurt Vonnegut- "My name is Yon Yonson, I live in Wisconsin, I work in a lumber mill there. The people I meet as I walk down the street, I look at them and then I say, My name is Yon Yonson, I live in Wisconsin, I work in a lumber mill there....etc."

2003-02-03T01:48:00.000-05:00

119!

Wow, I got a LOT of responses to yesterday's CEQ. Most were telling me that they enjoyed the To The Third yesterday, and especially Blue Cube's punchline. Accordingly, I have set up T-shirts. Purchase and enjoy, my capitalistic consumers.

Quote of the Day:
"A great writer creates a world of his own and his readers are proud to live in it. A lesser writer may entice them in for a moment, but soon he will watch the,m filing out."
-Cyril Connolly

Cyril Connolly.....::whistles::

To The Third of the Day:

To The Third 7

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:

I will, sweet mercy help me, become a writer for Cosmo. I will eventually rise to the rank of Quizzes Editor. Then, one day, instead of a "Find out who YOUR perfect man is" quiz, I'll put in a "Find out who YOUR perfect world despot is" quiz. It will be so tailored that no matter what you choose, you will eventually end up with me as your choice. Thus controlling the minds of people who believe that magazine quizzes are their fate (about 60% of the population), I will easily be able to enslave the earth.

Caley's Fan Mail/Advice Column of the Day:

Yet another real one. Yaaaaaay.

"Dear Caley,
You know a lot about America's history, so here's a question for you. George Washington, Abraham Lincoln. Each is put in charge of a very America-like country with the same population, method of government, etc., etc. These countries share one long land border. So, all other things being equal besides their executives, which nation prevails in an all-out war?

-Arthur
Gerard's Cross (which is in England, apparently).

Arthur- In my experience, you simply cannot stop Abraham Lincoln. Sure, George Washington did some fair generalship and kept the nation afloat for eight years while everything got set up, and much credit to him for that. But did he completely crush a rebellion of 20 million people? Did he end a seemingly endless string of bad Presidents, even when everyone expected him to be a Republican party lackie? Did he manage to save the United States, and democracy as a world idea, from the brink of utter and total ruination? George Washington did some fine things, my friend, but he wouldn't stand up to Abe in the real fight, though he certainly would cause Abe some serious problems. Abe would probably put McClellan in charge at one point, causing a year or so of inactivity, and George would no doubt create some nice battlefield victories. However, eventually you'd have Abe sending 100,000 men in blue to finish off the ragged remnants of Georgie's army. But they'd make up and be friends after the war was over. At least until Abe was assassinated. Pip pip, cheerio, and all that, Arthur.

E-mail Caley at AndersonC@wlu.edu! Send him your hypothetical fight questions, and he will offer unilateral opinions and national stereotypes!

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two separate works-"mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind."

Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals."

Caley's Synopsis of the day of the Day:
Nothing much happened today, really. Woke up, went and worked at the newspaper for a while, came back, did some writing, went back to the newspaper, came back again, read a book, went back to the newspaper, and then I ate dinner. Dinner was butter crumb cod, wild rice, and some sort of weird kind of carrot. The carrots were baby carrots, except they tasted like buttered broccoli. Maybe they were buttered.....with broccoli butter.

Added to the List(tm):
Broccoli Butter

Other than that, I can't think of a single thing that happened today. I'm still looking for my keys; they've been lost for about a week now and I don't know where they are. Hopefully they'll turn up. I don't want to put out a campus notice saying "I lost my keys, if anyone sees them please let me know," because my name would be on it, and then the person hunting me in Mafia could e-mail me and say "Yeah, I think I found your keys, come to whatever room to get em'." And then they'd shoot me, and that'd be bad. Darn, darn, darn. I need them so I can check my mail, too. Oh well. I'll find them sooner or later; I always do.

Added to the List(tm):
Losing stuff

Pic of the Day:

For those of you who didn't know, this is Satan.

Point of Reflection of the Day:
Is it possible to both have faith on an issue and use reason on it simultaneously?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

DDR- Dub-i-dub-i-dub-i-dub-dub-dub, dub-i-dub-i-dub-i yeaaaaahhhhh dub-i-dub-i-dub-i-dub-dub dub, I--- ::BANG::!

AND

Trwix- It's a delicious caramelly chocolate fruit cereal.

2003-02-02T01:12:00.000-05:00

120!

Quote of the Day:
"Egotism is the finest armor a man can wear."
-Jerome Jerome

To The Third of the Day:

To the Third 6

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:

Build a superlaser. It works because it's simple.

Caley's Fan Mail/Advice Column of the Day:

This is another real one. As opposed to the "real" ones.

"Hey, Caley
I have only one question for the master of all things evil- What happen?

-Mark Schroeder
Los Angeles, CA

Wow, Mark, you sure do display a stunning grasp of the modern internet comedy of today. And by today I mean two years ago. You fool. If you really thought I was going to respond with "Somebody set up us the bomb," then you haven't been paying attention. Shouldn't you be playing Fur Elise on a tiny piano with Snoopy dancing on top anyway? I never liked the AYB phenomenon, and I wish it would die. If it doesn't, I may be forced to take off every zig. For great justice.

E-mail Caley at AndersonC@wlu.edu! Send him your questions, and he will contradict himself in a mind-boggling series of illogical arguments, all while mocking you jovially!

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man."

Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight."

Caley's Synopsis of the day of the Day:
Got up, did radio show, went to fencing practice, no one there, went back to dorm room, heard about the Columbia, decided to alter second-half radio show playlist; played Mozart's Requiem in their honor, went back, ate dinner, worked on webcomic, wrote huge run-on sentence with apparently no end in sight; I keep trying to end it and then there'll be another comma or a semi-colon or something and dear sweet zombie jesus I wish I could just go to bed and I was up until 6 last night doing my radio show and I'm tired and I want to finish CEQ as is evidence by the crappy short submissions today but it's not my fault, this stupid sentence just keeps going on; I'll probably have to kill it with a spear, so here I go; die, die, die! Hahahahaha!

Added to the List:
Run-on sentences

Pic of the Day:

And yea, let it be known to all and sundry, the Raiders sucketh.

Point of Reflection of the Day:

Better- Bird in hand, or two in bush? Don't take the proverb's word for it.

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Neville Chamberlin- I shouldn't have taken his word for it.

AND

LeVar Burton- Nor should you take his word for it.

2003-02-01T03:39:00.000-05:00

121!

Quote of the Day:
"Life is a tragedy when seen close up, but it is a comedy in the long shot."
-Charlie Chaplin

To The Third of the Day:

To The Third 5

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:

IdealistCynic: So tell me, Paige, what's a good way to obtain total power over the fools who inhabit the earth?
CiNePhiLeChiCk: infomercials
IdealistCynic: Excellent. And then use the fools to bum rush the smart people?
CiNePhiLeChiCk: no
CiNePhiLeChiCk: use the money
CiNePhiLeChiCk: to build the superlaser
CiNePhiLeChiCk: duuuuuh
IdealistCynic: You have learned well, grasshopper.

Caley's Fan Mail/Advice Column of the Day:

"Dear Caley,
Like, dude. You are soooooo screwed up in the head. I mean, like, what's all this crap about superlasers and taking over the world and stuff? That's just messed up. I think that you should totally just go back to whatever little crappy place you came from and sit in a corner and cry because you have no friends. Like, man, just shut up.

-Jennifer
Denver, CO

Like, gee, Jennifer, maybe I should just put a wood screw through your brain. Oh, wait, you don't have one, I'm sorry. Well, in that case, never mind. I'm sure my revenge will be exacted upon you without any effort from me. Probably 20 years from now you'll wake up one morning and realize that "cheerleader" is not a career track. Whatever horrible, self-degrading recourse you take then, just know that when I'm world despot, I'll think of you, and order the peasant rations to be cut in half.

E-mail Caley at AndersonC@wlu.edu! Send him your thoughts, and he will verbally abuse you with the threat of an empty future!

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because where does he think he's going?!"

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them."

Caley's Synopsis of the day of the Day:

Eventful day today. That history test was pathetically easy. Of course, it seems that every time I say that, I get a B- or something. I think I got an A on it, even though the topic was my least favorite part of U.S. History ever, the Gilded Age. That name makes me shudder with unease every time I hear it. Gilded Age. Eheuheuhuehehue.

Added to the List(tm):
The Gilded Age

Ran fencing practice; 4 people came. That's actually not so bad for these days. Turns out, after a recheck of the club's membership through e-mail, that there are only 23 members. I e-mailed all the non-active people saying "If you want to stay in, you have to e-mail me." 2 people e-mailed me. Erg. Oh well. At least I know where we stand.

Also, for Fencing Flicks on Fridays, we watched Kurosawa's The Seven Samurai. An excellent, excellent film. Hardly seemed like it was 3 and a half hours long. Good stuff. Now I'm up working on CEQ and on my radio show here at 3:30 am. Goooood morning.

Pic of the Day:

The ring of POWER! And deliciousness.

Point of Reflection of the Day:
What is ultimately more important- service to society, others, and the world at large, or self-preservation and self-interest?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

The Marshmallow Mayonnaise Co.- "For all those kids who eat raw sugar."

AND

Cornbread. Ain't nothin' wrong with that.

2003-01-31T00:43:00.000-05:00

122!

Quote of the Day:
"Those who make their dress a principal part of themselves will, in general, become of no more value than their dress."
-William Hazlitt

Added to the CEQ Store- A cool bumper sticker with which you can defy NRA goons by declaring who YOUR President is. Or rather, not your President, but your world despot. It's a certain spunky young adult with an affinity for gyros, good literature, and superlasers.

To The Third of the Day:

To The Third 4

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:
Hypnotize George Lucas. Then when episode 3 comes out, you'll see the following scene:

Jar-Jar Binks: "Well, mesa wanna blah blah blah blah mesa very annoying."

(Unannounced, and without any warning or identification, I walk on, and strangle Jar-Jar Binks to death. I then exit, and the movie proceeds as if nothing had happened, except Jar-Jar Binks is no more).

I will be hailed as a hero to free people everywhere. The citizens of the world will me MORE than happy to set me up as world despot just so that they can be rid of that awful franchise-wrecking menace.

Caley's Fan Mail/Advice Column of the Day:
"Dear Caley,
How can I tell my boyfriend that he is a bad kisser?

-Elisa
Lexington, VA

Elisa, for the last time, shut up, I am not. And I'm not your boyfriend either.

E-mail Caley at AndersonC@wlu.edu! Write to him, and he will reveal his personal secrets, even if they are totally false and oh, doesn't he WISH he had the women flinging themselves at his feet, that loser.

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!"

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords."

Caley's Synopsis of the day of the Day:

Things are heating up in the Mafia game. See the update a couple of days ago if you don't know what I'm talking about. Only the good players are left by now, so you have to be extremely paranoid and watch your back all the time. Plus the people you go after become more cautious and harder to get to. I don't even know what my current target LOOKS like, even though he's in the same building as me. I had a friend who was eliminated knock on his door so that while he conversed with him on some dumb excuse, I could memorize my target's face. No such luck; he didn't answer, even though I KNEW he was in there because the lights were on and the stereo was playing, and my friend could hear stuff moving around in there. Fun stuff.

History test tomorrow. I can only hope that I do well, a whole lotta money is riding on my grades this term. Like, a lot. Like, more than most Jeopardy champions win in a day. Scary.

Added to the List(tm):
Unfair amounts of pressure.

I finished reading Jeff Shaara's "The Glorious Cause" today, it was excellent, as are all the novels by the Shaara family. I remember reading The Killer Angels for the first time, it was one of the greatest books I had ever encountered. These books put you into history and realize that history is not just some far off semi-fictional stuff, but rather real people shaping the future. And that future is now. It's like tomorrow's reality.......TODAY!!! (fanfare)

Pic of the Day:

Oh yeah. Dance, baby, dance.

Point of Reflection of the Day:
Is duty more important than morality?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Fritos- Hardens your arteries so fast you can HEAR it!

AND

Blood Sausage- That's nothing, your heart will actually claw it's way into your digestive system and dissolve itself in acid to end the horrible pain.

2003-01-30T02:24:00.000-05:00

123!

Quote of the Day:
"It is never wise to try to appear more clever than you are. It is sometimes wise to appear slightly less so."
-William Whitelaw

To The Third of the Day:

To the Third 3

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:
Create a huge army of cyborgs. But this would be no ordinary army, nay, far from it. Instead, I would take the brains of piranhas and biologically synthesize them with staple removers that would be genetically enhanced to have legs. Imagine the jaws of terror of those little creepy suckers clamping down all over your face. I think it's safe to say that the world's governments would capitulate in a few weeks, one month tops. Staple remover? More like....EYEBALL remover. (Dun Dun DUUUUNNNNN)!

Caley's Fan Mail/Advice Column of the Day:

"Dear Caley,
Like you, I also aspire to dominate the world. And also, like you, I believe that the swiftest and most effective way to accomplish this goal is the construction of a fine superlaser. Unfortunately for myself, I am familiary neither with the operation of a superlaser, nor the parts required to construct a superlaser, etc., etc. I was wondering if you would provide me with a few helpful tips regarding the weapon we all know and love- superlasers. And also nuclear weapons, if you have time.
Thanks-
Nathan,
Dallas, TX

A TEXAN trying to dominate the world? HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHA!! Sorry. I love Texas and all the wonderful people who inhabit that "great" state. Really, it's only great in size, people. Honestly. Alaska is bigger than they are, but you don't see Alaskans carrying on, executing anyone who might possibly be able to be construed as guilty of a capital offense and saying how their state is the greatest state in the union. When was the last time your heard anyone utter "Don't Mess With Alaska?" Why is this? Because Alaskans know that their state is a freezing cold wasteland with a sparse population. What Texans DON'T realize is that their state is a burning hot wasteland with a population roughly half the size of California. Poor Texans. They always say "Don't Mess With Texas," when in reality I would be more afraid and intimidated if someone said "Don't Mess with Alaska." After all, they live up in the hinterlands, and we can never quite know what sort of evil things they might have brewing up in the cold part of the U.S. Plus, they have the most elite National Guard units stationed in Alaska. This is because Alaska's only border is with Canada. I'd be a paranoid pseudo-military police state if I were Alaska.

What was your question again? Oh, right, superlasers. Yes, well, as you have obviously grasped, superlasers are THE form of world domination these days. Whether they vaporize individual humans, buildings, urban areas, or entire planets a la the Death Star, superlasers are the way to go for the world dominator of today. That said, I can't seriously believe that you don't know how to construct an awesome superlaser and yet claim to be a serious aspirant to world domination. Maybe you should just quit right now and submit to my heavy yoke of oppression, you foolish peasant. But for those who don't know, here are the components of a superlaser (I'll assume that this is the urban-area destroying variety, as they are the most common, but you can apply city-destroying concepts to planets, buildings, people, etc.)-

Part I- Swiveling Operator's Chair- This is essentially what makes the superlaser cool. It is essential that the person firing the superlaser be able to sit in a chair attached to the superlaser, and that moving a remote control on the chair will swivel around the entire superlaser, as well as the chair. This implies that the person who owns the superlaser is a badass. After all, they have a SWIVELING CHAIR. Damn, that's sweet.

Part II- Targeting Reticule- The only important part of this is that it have crosshairs and be able to say "Target Locked On" when it is left pointed at anything for more than 2 seconds. After all, it IS locked on to whatever it's pointing at. Plus this makes you look ominous.

Part III- The Impregnable Fortress Guarding the Superlaser- If, as an evil supervillain, you already have an impregnable fortress, fine. If not, then you must construct one, as it is essential to the security and safety of your powerful omniweapon.

Part IV- The Laser- The functioning piece of equipment. Usually, you just build a standard laser. To give it unbelievable powers of chaos and destruction, we need the next component.

Part V- The Super- The super can be many things. It can be some sort of ancient diamond-shaped geode, an ancient artifact of power, some sort of one-of-a-kind technological device that you have stolen, invented, or forced the hero's scientist uncle/father to create, etc. It will give your laser an incredible capacity for decimation, and preferably, it will glow red. RED WITH DESTINY!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

And, of course, to operate the superlaser, you push the huge red button. That should be obvious enough. You'll have properly aimed it at your target via the use of the TARGETING RETICULE and the SWIVELING CHAIR. That's some funky fresh evil technology right there.

So I hope that that helps you with your superlaser issue, Nathan, resident of the worst state ever, except of course for North Dakota. But that's ok, it's not like any of the three people in North Dakota have a computer. And if they did, they wouldn't have the internet. Heck, I don't even think they have plumbing and basic sanitation in North Dakota. I bet they just use chamber pots, like in the days of yore. Hahaha, it's ok to make fun of North Dakota because they are a rural state with a low population and no important points of interest.

Oh, and on your discussion of nuclear weapons, I would advocate their use only in extreme cases. After all, a superlaser generally causes more suffering and death, although I'll be the first to admit it doesn't have the lasting radioactive decay and poisoning of the land that comes with nuclear weapons. But I say, why poison the land when you can totally obliterate it? Except in North Dakota.

E-mail Caley at AndersonC@wlu.edu. Send me your e-mails, and I will insult your state, another state, and portray in an absolutely false light yet another state, thus insulting an eighth of the entire nation, and also I will advocate the use of nuclear weapons for no apparent good reason.

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?"

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am."

Caley's Synopsis of the day of the Day:

Class sped by fairly well today. We actually managed to discuss some fairly interesting topics. However, I dread the history test on Friday, and also the fact that I will ruin all of Thursday worrying about it. Also, once I'm done with the test on Friday, I will have to put together my two-hour radio show, which usually keeps me up until 3 or 4 in the morning. Not like I'm usually not up that late anyway.

I appeared before the Executive Committee today to appeal for additional funding for the Fencing Club as a part of their Winter Allocations. I had requested $2,500, but expected something around $700-$1,000 to actually be given to us. I proved to be correct as we received $800. These funds are great to have, but nowhere near what we need. I hope the EC will be more generous next year.

Added to the List(tm):
Underfunding

Fencing Club has been weighing heavily on my mind lately; fewer members have been attending practice, and when I recently called an officers' meeting, more than 2/3 of the officers failed to show. All but one of those who went AWOL neglected to inform me that they would not be present at the meeting. I have seen this sort of lacksadaisacal attitude before in clubs, and I have seen despairing leaders watch in disgust and sadness as their organizations dwindled away to nothing. I am resolved to let nothing of the sort happen to the fencing club, as there is a strong core of people who really do enjoy fencing and put a lot of time into. This is the first serious challenge I have faced as a leader of anything, so I hope my leadership skills will prove adequate to the challenge. My plan for revitalizing the club will not be easy, though.

Also on my mind is the fact that I am becoming rather isolated here. The fact that I do not drink goes a long way towards defeating my social life here. I have few people that I know here on any sort of basis, and most are faculty. I have my fencers, but I see them sporadically, and even some of them don't really seem to care for me, and the feeling is sometimes mutual. None of my friends from high school see fit to correspond with me at all, save a few, all of whom are CEQ fans. The only online contacts I have are with them, my Jeopardy buddies, my parents, and a few people I have non-friendship associations with.

Solitude has never been a problem for me; I have often found that I am the odd man out. I am not purposely excluded, nor am I despised or disliked, I am simply not a part of the "inner circle," as it were. This was especially true, I noticed, in my high school's student government. I was accepted as a hard-working and valuable member of ASB, but I simply was not a part of the circle of friends that most of the ASBers seem to be a part of. This sort of pattern has always followed me. I am not saddened by it, nor do I even have any negative feelings at all about it. I am curious as to why it happens, though. I have been told that I often seem to give out an snobbish intellectual aura, which is probably true. I am guilty of "know-it-all-ism" on occasion, but I don't believe that explains why people view me as so strange. Not negative or bad, just strange. It's like I'm from a different world to most people. Those few who do know me well understand that I am much more beyond my so-called encyclopedic knowledge and my excellent command of the English language. Anyone who reads this website on any sort of basis knows that.

Yet I can't help but think that this isolation is good for me, in a way. Perhaps I am slightly egotistical, but has a man named Jerome Jerome will tell you on Sunday's Quote of the Day, egotism can be good for you. I prefer to think of it as exceptionally strong self-esteem. The difference is that one must not seek to externalize the feeling. Once you've done that, you're a pompous bastard. So, I suppose by typing this here I'm becoming a pompous bastard. But I don't think you folks will mind; most of you are familiar enough with me to tolerate my rants and misgivings. I just feel exceptionally confident about myself and anything that I undertake, and if cosa nostras, those unspoken inner familes do not want me, fine, their loss. I've found that a large portion of people I meet tend to drag me down anyway, all of you excepted, of course. I know I sound like a pompous bastard by now, so I'll stop.

Added to the List(tm):
Pompous bastards

Pic of the Day:

If you don't get this one, I suggest you inspect the floor more carefully and try to recall a certain board game.

Point of Reflection of the Day:

Assuming it even exists, can people be happy without love?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Evil swordsman/soldiers who are willing to destroy the planet to become gods-
"Ha ha ha........"
".....................
......................
......................"

AND

Energy- It makes stuff happen. And not only that, it has the POTENTIAL to make stuff happen. And it has made stuff happen.

2003-01-29T02:19:00.000-05:00

124!

News- I've added a new link off to your left there. I've set up a cafepress.com store for CEQ, from which you will be able to buy stuff like the sole product that's on there right now, a T-shirt that says "I'm Only Mildly Psychotic" on it. I make $3 off of every shirt you buy. Come on, it's for a good cause. I can't build superlasers without money, you know.

Also, I think I've fixed the Invisilink(tm) problem, thanks to Colleen. Now the problem is that they're huge, but that's better than not seeing them at all.

Quote of the Day:
"The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out, the conservative adopts them."
-Mark Twain

To The Third of the Day:

To The Third 2

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:
Go up to people and ask them in my most persuasive, kindly voice if they'll help me take over the world. They'll be so influenced by my charm and good looks that they'll acquiesce immediately. Should anyone dare to oppose me, I'll either sic my lackeys on them or tell them in a sharp tone how wrong they are and how bad, bad, bad they're being. They'll be so intimidated that they, too, will fall under my spell.

-This CPfWDotD based on an idea by Colleen

Caley's Fan Mail/Advice Column of the Day:
"Dear Caley,
Now that the holidays have come and gone, I am once again wondering about the proper etiquette for thanking people for gifts. When I was growing up, my mother insisted that after each Christmas and birthday I write detailed thank-you notes. Of course, notes are in order for gifts received in the mail, but what about presents opened in front of the giver?

When I have children, I imagine Mom will expect thank-you notes from her grandkids. On the other hand, I have friends who say that a sincere, verbal thank-you is sufficient, and sending notes to people who have already been thanked is overkill. Please tell me if a handwritten note is necessary. I don't want to be rude.

Sincerely,
Sherry
Dallastown, PA

Sherry, do I LOOK like the person to ask for etiquette tips? In the past two days alone, I have posted way, way, way too many things to mention that should indicate that I really don't give a damn for etiquette. Like my use of cursory language in that last sentence, for instance. Here's a short list of the things that should have tipped you off.

Caley says: "I build a superlaser and shoot it at you."

Caley says: "When you hear the word "blunderbuss," you will cluuuuuccck like a chiiickkeennnnn."

Oh, before I go on, that reminds me. Blunderbuss. Thank you.

Caley says: "People who gossip and talk exclusively about petty affairs are exclusively petty people."

Caley says: "Laugh as your friend runs screaming to a VD clinic and your ex is left alone."

Caley says: "Eviscerate him with a machete and take all his stuff."

Caley says: "I do nothing wrong, ever. "I am all I've got?" Hellloooo? I am all the WORLD and the UNIVERSE and all of EXISTENCE has got! I am the living embodiment of PERFECTION ON EARTH!!! ALL SHALL BOW DOWN BEFORE ME AS THE WAVE OF MY WILL WASHES OVER THE WORLD!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"

Caley says: "I will more than likely give you advice or commentary that will result in the untimely, painful, deaths of many people."

And so forth. You get the idea. I'm in the business of Blogging, Web Comics, and World Domination, not Etiquette. Go ask Miss Manners if you want REAL advice.

But, with that said, here's my not-to-be-taken-lightly solution for what ails you-

You should, in fact, always write thank you notes for presents received, whether through the mail or received in person. It lets people know that you appreciate them, and you will be thought of more highly in their eyes. And, in fact, using that logic, you should write thank you notes for everything positive anyone does for you, ever. Write thank you notes to people who hold the door open for you. Write thank you notes for the people who can the soda you drink. Write thank you notes to all plant life in the world for producing the very air you breathe.

But why stop there? If you really want to look good in the eyes of others, you should thank them for the BAD things they do to you as well! Write thank you notes to people who mug you and take your stuff! Write thank you notes to your hated rivals who abduct your wife and children and burn your house to the ground! Write thank you notes to the intelligent computer who kills all your crewmates and forces you to deactivate him to save yourself!

And after you've done all that, write a thank you note to me, Sherry. And that goes for all of you. Write a thank you note to me, Caley Anderson, thanking me for all the wonderful things I do. Either that, or buy a shirt. It's your choice.

E-mail Caley at AndersonC@wlu.edu! Write me for etiquette advice, and I'll manipulate your concern for proper etiquette into personal profit!

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know."

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner."

Caley's Synopsis of the day of the Day:

I spent most of the day creating future episodes of To The Third, quite frankly. I'm really excited about the fact that I can create real, believeable characters with real character traits and such in a medium that features poorly-rendered cubes. It's a lot of fun to make the cartoon, too. I also spent time setting up the cafepress shop. Even if you don't want to buy anything, please do stop by and marvel at the wonderful shirt I designed. Future wares will be made available......in the future.

Today I volunteered to give up my evening's dinner to aid a local hunger program (it's anti-hunger, and not a part of the oft-overlooked "pro" side). The problem is that dinner is the only meal I eat everyday. I get up too late for breakfast and I'm in class during lunch. Pretty much I've given them 2/3 of the meals that they forced me to pay for already, but still.

Added to the List(tm):
W&L's Full Meal Plan for Freshmen Policy

However, this resulted in me being very, very hungry this evening. I suppose that helped me gain insight into the plight of people who are hungry and starving each day.

Added to the List(tm):
Starving

Fortunately, I have the gift of Ramen noodles, and they do not (I'm a heartless bastard, aren't I?) Seriously, I'm glad I did it, and I hope they put my breaded veal to good use.

Pic of the Day:

What the hell?

Point of Reflection of the Day:

John Stuart Bell once did an experiment where he cut an electron in half and placed the two halves in different parts of the room. He spun one half, and found that the other half simultaneously spun in the corresponding direction as well, despite the difference. He tried to figure out how this was possible, but measuring electricity, radiation, radio, magnetism, and all other forms of invisible energy known to man revealed nothing. It has been proven since then that the two halves will spin simultaneously and in the same direction regardless of how far apart they are. How is this possible?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

That weird guy at the gym- "Come on, you really do need someone to spot you, really, for safety reasons."

AND

Karma- It's not baloney. (Mmm....caramel baloney).

2003-01-28T01:29:00.000-05:00

125!

Quote of the Day:
"Truth fears no trial."
-Proverb

NEW CEQ FEATURE!!

To The Third of the Day:

To The Third is a new comic strip I've created solely for CEQ. It doesn't have the best art, but it does have witty dialogue. Here is the first installment:

To The Third 1

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:

Create some haiku
Haiku will hypnotize you
But for what purpose?

While you are under
I build a superlaser
And shoot it at you

Now I own the world
Cruel, repressive tyranny
Quite nice for me, though.

Caley's Fan Mail/Advice Column of the Day:

"Dear Caley,
Remember the good old days when all you would post would be a quote of the day, a lost deep thought of the day, and one or two sponsors? You know, back when life was simple and you didn't need all these gimmicks to lure in your readers? I miss those days.

-Curtis,
Sterling, VA

Yeah, Curtis, I remember those days. Those were my glory days, when the wind was in my hair and all the women wanted me. All was right with the world. Since then, I've become old and ugly, politicians have become corrupt, and the sun, against all astronomical probability, has spontaneously disappeared, which will result in the eventual death of all life on Earth.

Come ON, Curtis. Here at CEQ, we are (and by we are, I mean I am) dedicated to providing the discriminating reader with such diverse elements as surprise, surprise and fear. Our two chief elements are surprise, fear, and ruthless efficiency. No, our three elements, etc. Seriously, though, where else can you get the following things in ONE WEBSITE, and a BLOG at that?

- A countdown to Caley's next vacation (Ok, so this isn't the most exciting part of the site)

-A thought provoking, edifying quote (Common in many sites, but still nice to have)

-A comic strip featuring talking cubes (I guarantee you that hilarious MS Paint cubes are unique to CEQ).

-Blueprints for my iron wave of domination over the planet, many of which involve superlasers, a technology beyond most humans. (Of course, I admit I keep the good ones to myself. Wouldn't want you people stealing my GOOD ideas.)

-These very letters, where you can write to me with any concern you may have, and to which I will respond with the most tasteful humor, such as references to evisceration. (Dear Abby is a wuss.)

-One of Jack Handey's genius Lost Deep Thoughts

-A Synopsis of my Day

-A funny or cool picture

-A thought-provoking insight, question, or comment on the philosophical nature of things.

-Promotions from many fine sponsors

-The occasional non-scheduled humor piece, Britney Spears/Campus Elections parody, weird rap intellectualization, bitter rant on the nature of love, etc, etc.

-Invisilinks(tm) to cool places.

See, when you think about it, CEQ gives you so much and it doesn't ask for anything in return, except for you to watch this shiny gold watch, moving baaaaack and forrrrth, baaaaaack and forrrrth, in a rhyyyyyythmic tempo, baaaaaack and forrrrrth, and you are getting sleeeeeeeepy, veeerrrrrrry sleeeeeeepy, and when you wake up, you will want to giiiiiivvvve your money to Caaaaalllleeeeeyyy, because he is a fiiinnne young man who needs moonnnnneeey to buy piiiiizzzaaa so that he can write CEQ without being huuunnngry, huuuuuunnnngry, I say. And alllllsssoooo, when you hear the word "blunderbuss," you will cluuuuuccck like a chiiickkeennnnn. ::snaps fingers::

Anyway, I hope that addresses your concerns, Curtis. You retro-crazed CEQ fan, you.

E-mail Caley with your thoughts and concerns at AndersonC@wlu.edu! Send me your e-mails, and I'll hypnotize you into giving me all your money.

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto your buttocks and start yowling and running around. Everyone would think it was funny, and the head movie guy would say, "Hey, let's put him in the movie."

Caley's Synopsis of the day of the Day:

Not bad for a Monday. Got another KILL in the Mafia game we're playing here at W&L. The way this game works is that everyone who's playing (we had over 150 to start with) gets a little toy dart gun and a name. You have to shoot the person whose name you have with the dart gun. When you get them, you get another name. And you yourself, of course, are simultaneoulsly being hunted. Yay. The winner gets a free DVD player and a copy of The Godfather, or the equivalent in cash money. I'm not sure which I'll take if I win. But first, I have to focus on actually winning and getting my next victim. Muhahahahahahahaha.

On the other hand, tonight was, and I quote, "Karaoke Night" at the Dining Hall. I just wanted to eat my food in peace, but no, I had to hear two obviously-drunken frat guys try to sing "Summer Nights," with one of them trying to do the girls' voices. That just makes me sick.

Added to the List(tm):
Drunken Frat Guys

Note- Movie Review of the Day is being scrapped because I don't enjoy doing em'. However, the To The Third of the day should compensate for the loss, rabid CEQ fans.

Pic of the Day:

This is why the term "fat cat" should not b used lightly.

Point of Reflection of the Day:
Can true randomness every be achieved, or will all events that seem random, including natural events, merely be arbitrary rather than totally random?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

The Bumblebee Man- "Aiiii, mi espina dorsal!"

AND

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers- Proving to the world that yes, the Raiders do suck.

2003-01-27T02:37:00.000-05:00

126!

Quote of the Day:
"Little things concern little minds."
-Benjamin Disraeli

I can't agree with this quote more. People who gossip and talk exclusively about petty affairs are exclusively petty people.

Caley's Plan for World Domination:
Create a product called "super rechargable batteries," batteries that take 15 minutes to recharge and last for days at a time even while running continuously. Trade these batteries for ordinary batteries, so that you get the better deal. Or so you think. In reality, when recharged, the batteries become small explosives. CIA HQ-
"How's that new database coming, Johnson?"
"Well, I'm just starting up the server, and since we're still waiting for that outlet, I'll use these new batteries and" POW!! "AHHHHH, MY SKIN, MY BEAUTIFUL SKIN," or perhaps "IT BURNS!! IT MELTS MY FLESH SO DELICIOUSLY!!"
*(note- these cries of agony come courtesy of the generosity of yesterday's plan for World Domination of the Day).

Then use the REAL batteries to power a....um......a........you know, those things.....you power them.....and they shoot stuff....with the light....and, uh......ahhh, I forgot.

Caley's Fan Mail/Advice Column of the Day:

"Dear Caley,
I've noticed that you tend to be vindictive and generally unforgiving of people. Here is a poem that may help you see the light.
FORGIVENESS

(Author Unknown)

The friend who ran off with your wife,

Forgive him for his lust;

The chum who sold you phony stocks,

Forgive his breach of trust;

The pal who schemed behind your back,

Forgive his evil plot;

And when you're done, forgive yourself

'Cause you are all you've got.

Peace be with you,
-Mark
North Point, Oregon

Wait.....what is that......what's that sound......is that the sound of enlightment? Is that the sound of my anger and hatred at the world's stupidity melting away? Oh, no, sorry, it's the sound of Machiavelli laughing at you from beyond the grave.

Folks, once again, you can do things the Mark way, or the Caley way. Let's take a look at what Mark advises in each situation, and then what my advice would be:

Situation 1- Your best friend sneaks away with your wife/girlfriend/lover.

Mark's Advice- "Forgive them for their lust."
End Result- You are alone, your friend and ex both forget their former relationships with you because of each other.

Caley's Advice- Call your friend and tell him that you forgive him and that you're ok with it. Say that, frankly, you were hoping something like this would happen so you could end your relationship with your wife/girlfriend/lover because things just haven't been the same since your wife contracted gonorrhea. Laugh as your friend runs screaming to a VD clinic and your ex is left alone.
End Result- Your friend becomes paranoid and obsessive-compulsive about cleanliness. Your ex sits alone in a corner knitting for the rest of her days because VD rumors spread like wildfire.

Situation 2- A "chum" sells you phony stocks.

Mark's Advice- "Forgive his breach of trust."
End Result- You have no money, your chum laughs all the way to the bank.

Caley's Advice- Your "chum" has doubtless repeated this trick many times before. Eviscerate him with a machete and take all his stuff, including your own stolen cash. Frame one of his previous victims for it. Then, when the guy you framed is in prison and plotting against you for framing him, deliver him a note laced with flesh-eating bacteria.
End Result- You get back your money (and lots more), your "chum"'s innards are separate from the hollow container that was his skin, and you need not fear the guy you framed because his lungs are turning into a bloody, foamy mess.

Situation 3- A pal schemes behind your back

Mark's Advice- "Forgive his evil plot."
End Result- You forgive his plotting, which does not stop him from continuing it. Eventually, he manages to ruin you and make himself look good because of it. You die a pauper.

Caley's Advice- This one is hard because I don't know what the plot is. But I guarantee you that there would be counterplots. I will delve one yard below his mines, for 'tis sport to have the engineer hoist on his own petard, as it were, if I may quote Hamlet. Actually, you know what, that gives me an idea. The next time you and your "pal" are out (obviously, he doesn't know that you know about his plotting), suggest that you visit a friend of yours who works at a construction site. Go to a construction site, and see to it that an "accident" occurs wherein your "pal" somehow gets placed into a cement mixer by a crane.
End Result- You're fine, and the "pal" who dared mess with you is asphyxiated as cement hardens in his throat. Oh, and the building that was being constructed stands for 5,000 years because it was built using the blood and flesh of a mortal. It's revenge AND public service.

Situation 4- Yourself

Mark's Advice- "And when you're done, forgive yourself, for you are all you've got."
End Result- You end up feeling pretty good about yourself.

Caley's Advice- FORGIVE myself? I don't NEED to forgive myself, because I do nothing wrong, ever. "I am all I've got?" Hellloooo? I am all the WORLD and the UNIVERSE and all of EXISTENCE has got! I am the living embodiment of PERFECTION ON EARTH!!! ALL SHALL BOW DOWN BEFORE ME AS THE WAVE OF MY WILL WASHES OVER THE WORLD!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
End Result- You end up as the ruler of all things.

I think we can see whose advice is superior here. Nice try, "Mark," if that's your real name.

Send me your thoughts, comments, and questions at AndersonC@wlu.edu, and I will more than likely give you advice or commentary that will result in the untimely, painful, deaths of many people.

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas."

Caley's Synopsis of the day of the Day:
I hate Sundays. I always stay up late Saturday night because I know that on Sunday I'll have to start WORRYING about stuff again. That said, today was pretty good for a Sunday. First, and most obviously, the Buccaneers won. I'm glad the Bucs won a Super Bowl, it's about time. But that's really not what's important. What's important is that the Raiders lost. I think there's a lesson there for all of us.

Also, I had a long and interesting talk with the guy across the way from me this evening. He and I are both huge raging insomniacs, so we talk a lot. He's a cool guy, maybe the first real friend I have here.

In conclusion, the influence of William Cooper on Otsego County cannot be underestimated. He imposed his ego, ideas, and political presence on the region forever.

Added to the List(tm):
History Papers

Movie Review of the Day:

Today- Mulholland Drive

Acting- Huh?

Writing- What?

Atmosphere- ::quizzical eyebrow::

I give it- 50 out of 100 Buttery Caley Chips. SOMETHING must have been going on.

Pic of the Day:

Jess mentioned the movie Shallow Hal today, so I thought this'd be appropriate.

Point of Reflection of the Day:
At some point, did something come from nothing, or has existence been infinite in time?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

The Batman- "Let's get one thing straight. It is NOT "THE Batman," it's just BATMAN, DAMMIT!! WHY WON'T YOU PEOPLE LEARN?? Wait, this isn't going down as the official ad, right? WHAT?? GOD, I HATE YOU, CALEY!!!"

AND

Neil Diamond- "I am, I said, to nobody there, and nobody heard me, not even the chair*"

*- Actual Neil Diamond lyric.

2003-01-26T02:46:00.000-05:00

128!

Did I mention how cool Ashley is?

Quote of the Day:
"Men talk of killing time, while time quietly kills them."
-Dion Boucicault

Hahahahaha, good one Mr. Bouk.....bouc....ik.....coo....cau...lt.

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:
Carry around a Super Soaker water gun filled with scalding hot Ramen soup. People will think I'm just an innocent little tyke carrying a water fun when BAM "AHHHHHHH, MY SKIN, MY BEAUTIFUL SKIN," or perhaps "IT BURNS!! IT MELTS MY FLESH SO DELICIOUSLY!!" Then, after I've decimated the world with this weapon, I will feast upon the Ramen-y carcasses. Mmm.....Ramen-flavored corpses.

This one was based on an idea from Jess, who, due to her frequent contributions, is now promoted to Crony.

Caley's Fan Mail/Advice Column

"w00t! k4!3y !5 teh l337 8100g3rz! H!5 5k1lls r 2 rOxOr0cious 4 u!
j4m35"

James-
People like you make me sick. In fact, there is an elite squad of special CEQ Special Operations Agents en route to your place of residence as we speak to liquidate you (quite literally). I would spend my last minutes enjoying the world, you foolish little person.
-Caley

E-mail Caley with your problems, concerns, and worshipful praise! AndersonC@wlu.edu

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised."

Caley's Synopsis of the day of the Day:
Busy, busy, busy. First, I woke up to post the notification you see under this update. Stupid WLU server. Then I immediately headed off to do my radio show. (For those of you who don't know, it's on Saturdays from 12-1:30 pm and then from 5-6 pm EST). Good stuff; the show went well. I had to be called in to help fix the transmitter later on, but no worries. Fencing practice went ok, at least some people showed up. Then I had to write a story for the newspaper.

Get this folks- the name of the newspaper is the "Ring-Tum Phi." If you're scratching your head and going "huh," then you're probably stupid. Get out of my website. Haha, just kidding, I don't know what it means either. I mean, that's a worse name than my last newspaper, the "ConSultant." Get it? Our mascot was a Sultan, ConSULTANt, hahahaha, no.

Added to the List(tm):
The Santana ConSultant

Oh, while we're on this topic, let me add this incarnation of suckiness to the list:

Added to the List(tm):
A High School Teacher (edited to protect the guilty, the oh so guilty).

I hate her and hope dogs pick her diseased flesh from her rotting bones. Either that or I hope she gets fired because she's a bad, bad, teacher. Bad. Anyway, after writing the stuff, I went to finish off my radio show, worked on the Phi for about a half hour while enlightening my fellow staffers to the genius comedy of Homestar Runner (http://www.homestarrunner.com/firsttime.html), and then I came back here and played Worms 2, which is a cool cartoon strategy games where worms fire ridiculously oversized weapons at one another. You might think I'm crazy, but I am. The humor in that last sentence comes from the fact that you expected me to deny it, but I didn't. The humor in that last sentence comes from self-referential humor, a form of allusion.

Oh, before I finish this section off, all pay tribute, if you haven't already, to CEQ, which turned 6 months old yesterday. Yay.

Movie Review of the Day:

Today- Just Married

ACTING- Acting in this movie is above average, though not stunningly so. Brittany Murphy (the bride) does a very nice job, while Ashton Kutcher (the groom), does a fairly decent one. This is probably the movie's strongest refuge; the viewer may only become involved in the movie due to the on-screen chemistry of the two. Emotional involvement is not an easy thing to command, but concern over whether the marriage will survive may draw viewers in.

WRITING- Not very good. In this wedding, there's a lot that's old, not much that's new, a whole lot that's borrowed, and the end result is that you're blue. Hahahaha, I am a comedy genius. I really should write that one down. I can't believe it, that's so cool. Actually, that joke is better than any of the tired, cliche writing you'll find in Just Married. Pattern:

"Oh my god, something bad yet funny is happening!"
"Oh no!"
"Oh my god, you just got hit in the head with a heavy object!"
"Oh no!"

This is most of the movie.

ATMOSPHERE- Meh. Blase, but not terrible. The musical score is fine, but it's uninspired and tiring, like a jumbo order of McDonalds french fried compared to Burger King's. Set design is adequate for the purpose, and the direction seems to have been fairly good, considering the material that was available to work with.

I give it- 67 out of 100 Buttery Caley Chips

Pic of the Day:

This is a SAM launcher. Ahhhh, SAM launcher, what a pun. That is the best pun I've heard all day.

Point of Reflection of the Day:
Is morality determined by success? Do the ends justify the means?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Harry Potter- "OOooH, i'M hArrY PotTeR, I knOW MAgic!" (imagine a squeaky voice)

AND

The Nice CIA- We could tell you, but then we'd have to buy you a new house and cater to your every need.

2003-01-25T14:25:00.000-05:00

CEQ is closed in honor of its own half-year anniversary. Actually, the W&L Server shut down last night, and I don't have time to update today. Sunday's update will be in as per the normal schedule, assuming there are no more server shutdowns.

-The Management

2003-01-24T01:24:00.000-05:00

129!

First of all- Ashley is great, Ashley is awesome, she is the embodiment of all that is right with the world, she is the lord and master of KFC, and those bastards at Ticonderoga should go f**k off and die. Thank you.

Here is the rank insignia for Underling, which all of you are currently at.

Quote of the Day:
"Cogito, ergo sum" (I think, therefore I am.)
-Rene Descartes

He sat in a chimney for two days and THIS was the best he could come up with. Way to go, Rene, master of the obvious.

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:
First, identify the gullble people in the world. I will do this by creating a fake computer virus that will "infect the user of the computer through the monitor." I will say that there is only one place to cure the virus- a "medical facility" under my control. At that facility, after receiving the "cure," my staff will talk the gullible people into "an exciting new expansion opportunity." They will thus become my minions, and I shall rule the world with them as a vast army.

Caley's Fan Mail/Advice Column

"Dear Caley,
I am dating a wonderful man who is very kind, generous, and loving. In addition to being considerate and affectionate, he often does things for me (mowing my lawn, redoing the screens in my house, etc.), and he has given me several lovely gifts.

Recently, he bought me jewelry (a necklace and earring set). It is lovely, but definitely not my style. I don't want to hurt him or seem ungrateful for his thoughtfulness and generosity, but I also don't want to pretend with him. So far, I've managed to be very honest about who I am and what I want, as has he.

What should I do in this situation? Is it acceptable to explain to him that while I appreciate his thoughtfulness in giving me this gift, it is a style that I would not wear?

-Wendy
North Ridge, Kentucky

Wendy, you heartless, controlling, soul-sucker. This man is doing everything for you. You are DATING A MAN WHO IS MOWING YOUR LAWN. Does that not cry out "If I spend a WHOLE LOT of money on jewelry for you, and you don't really care for it (you witch), you should just LEAVE ME THE HECK ALONE?" Man. We guys try soooo hard, you know. We change your screens, mow your lawns when we're not even married to you (I can't get over that. Folks- This guy is just her BOYFRIEND, and he MOWS HER LAWN FOR HER. Sweet mercy.), do our best to be kind and nice and generous, and when we splurge and buy jewelry, you throw it back in our faces. You evil, soulless succubus. I hope you rot.

As far as advice, tell him that you like the jewelry, then hint that you've seen a great new necklace/earring set/whatever that you'd prefer, and ask if you can trade in the one he got you for that one.

You evil, soul-siphoning ego harvester.
-Caley

That's all for now folks. E-mail me at AndersonC@wlu.edu. Send me your questions, and I will more than likely humiliate and chastise you, though not to the extent of that last she-devil.

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in."

Caley's Synopsis of the day of the Day:
Tuesdays and Thursdays are fast becoming my favorite non-Friday weekdays (Ok, so effectively I like Tuesday and Thursday better than Monday and Wednesday). I get to sleep in and get my 8 hours, I have a halfway-decent philosophy course, and the D-Hall has a weird thing where they seem to serve GOOD food on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Weird.

Yet another round of CHESS WITH THE DEAN OF STUDENTS!
The score-

Caley- 2 1/2
Dean Howison- 1 1/2

Game 1- Dean (W) V. Caley (B)- Caley wins
Game 2- Caley V. Dean- Dean wins
Game 3- Dean V. Caley- Draw
Game 4- Caley V. Dean- Caley wins

Woooo! Coolness.

The one game I lost was on the Sicilian Najdorf defense, which I hate because Theron (my best male friend) uses it all the time and I hate any chess opening that Theron likes automatically. (Fortunately, Theron couldn't possibly know about this website. Unless Sarah told him. Which is unlikely.)

Added to the List(tm)
The Najdorf variation of the Sicilian Defense

Actually, you know what?

Added to the List(tm)
The Sicilian Defense, all variations.

Stupid Sicilian Defense.

Movie Review of the Day:

Today- Kangaroo Jack

Since I haven't actually seen this movie, and since I still know it sucks, I chose someone who HAS seen the movie and also thinks it sucks to review it. Here is professional Pam Grady with today's MRotD. You will find my commentary in italics.

This is just what the world needs — a Jerry Bruckheimer film on training wheels. With Kangaroo Jack, the über-producer responsible for such mayhem as Gone in 60 Seconds, Con Air, and The Rock ventures into mindless action-adventure for kids. With a pair of likeable doofuses and a big, furry marsupial at its center, it's designed to appeal to the little ones. But this is a movie that also features a mob hit, a destructive car chase, a plane crash, death threats, physical assaults, lots of drawn guns, and, oh yes, flatulent camels. In short, this is a movie the whole family will love … the Gambino crime family, that is. (ba-dum chhhh! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! More, Pam, more!)

Lifelong best friends Charlie Carbone (Jerry O'Connell) and Louis Fucci (Anthony Anderson) find themselves in a world of hurt when they accidentally lead the police to a warehouse full of stolen property owned by Charlie's wicked stepfather, mob boss Sal Maggio (Christopher Walken, who must have really wanted that vacation in Sydney). Disgusted, Sal gives them one chance to redeem themselves. Handing them an envelope that contains $50,000, he puts the bumbling duo on a plane bound for Australia, where they are to meet up with Sal's associate, Mr. Smith (Marton Csokas), in the remote outback and hand over the money.

What Sal doesn't take into account is that Charlie and Louis are even stupider than he thinks they are. Riding to the meeting in their rented Jeep, they hit a kangaroo. Presuming that it is dead and finding that it resembles their old pal back in Brooklyn, they dress it up in Louis' jacket and start posing for Polaroids. Of course, it isn't dead and the money is in the jacket pocket. When the 'roo hops away into the desert with the cash, Charlie and Louis' future begins to resemble a gaping black hole. (Like.....dare I say it, THIS MOVIE FUTURE IN CINEMA? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I crack me up.)

Kangaroo Jack was written by Steve Bing(Bing? There's a clue right there.) (a former writer for Married with Children and the reluctant father of Liz Hurley's baby) and Scott Rosenberg (whose credits include Gone in 60 Seconds and Con Air), two men whose resumes suggest that they were never meant to handle children's fare. The movie certainly doesn't prove that supposition wrong. Did they really think that simply building the story around a cute animal would make this a family film? Not when the tale is this ugly and when the threat of violence seems more real than cartoon-like.

A few things keep Kangaroo Jack from being completely ghastly. One is that O'Connell and Anderson share a great sense of chemistry and are believable as lifelong friends. It's just a pity that the script abandons them like so much carrion to be picked over in the vast expanse of the outback. The location is another plus — Australia is a beautiful country and it is always a wonder to behold, even if the action on the surface is a waste of time. And then there is that titular marsupial himself. A blend of the real and the computer-enhanced, the bouncy critter is actually charming. Even more surprising is that the Kangaroo Jack rap sampled in the film's commercials is actually funny. Of course, it was co-written by O'Connell and Anderson — Bruckheimer and director David McNally should have hired them to redo the whole script.

— PAM GRADY

Ok, that's the end of the review of Pam Grady, everyone. Need I say that it is a blasphemy that this movie is currently selling MORE tickets than Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers? That should NEVER happen, even if there are only two movies left playing in cinemas EVER, LotR: TTT and Kangaroo Jack, and TTT has been out for three thousand years, and Kangaroo Jack just opened. Appalling.

I give it- 3 out of 100 Buttery Caley Chips

Pic of the Day:

This pic is full of file-not-found goodness.

Point of Reflection of the Day:
If food is what contributes to the creation of your mind, is who you are really determined by what you eat? And if so, do you believe, like Ludwig Feuerbach, that the best brain food is beans? I hope not.

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Trogdor, the Burninator- "A Local Dragon Who's Been Burninating Thatched Roof Cottages For 3,000 years!"
Vote for Trogdor, the Burninator!

AND

Weird Japanese products with names that leave you with no clue what the products are-
"Super Happy Fun Time Container Remover of Money!"

2003-01-23T01:05:00.000-05:00

130!

Hello, all. Before I start today, I have a new program that I wish to introduce. To further enhance the world-dominative qualities of CEQ, I will be implementing a pseudo-militaristic world domination order, complete with ranks and such. You all begin at Underling. You get promotions by being cool or submitting cool stuff. I'll keep a file on everyone I know of who posts on the message board, or whom I know reads CEQ regularly.

Here's the ranks. I will publish the insignias as you move up the ranks. Underling insignia will be in tomorrow.

Underling
Crony
Private, 1st Class
Private, 2nd Class
Henchperson
Sergeant
Hordemember
Master Sergeant
Minion, 2nd Class
Minion, 1st Class
Lieutenant
Aide
Captain
Major
Overseer
Supervisor
Lieutenant Colonel
Colonel
General
Superintendent
Commodore
Director
Councillor
Minister
Governor
Commander
World Despot (needless to say, only yours truly shall hold this post)

So start being cool. You've got a looooonnng way to go.

Quote of the Day:
"What do people mean when they say their computer went down on them?"
-Someone

Colleen told me this quote, but I forgot who she told me said it.

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:
Become a radio station owner. Play top 40 songs in an EXTREME manner that no other station has done before. Become known as the KROK of Top 40 music. Eventually, go national, and have everyone be able to turn on KALY. Then, when I'm about to play, for the first time, some new crapppy Britney Spears album or something, bam, subliminal messaging. It will work especially well because my target audience will be the weak-minded. Just kidding, Spears fans.

Caley's Fan Mail/Advice Column of the Day:

Note- This one is from a real person. Not that they're ALL not from real people, but this one is real. I think you know what I mean.

"Caley,
I have noticed that in many of your Synopsis of the day of the Day sections, you mention putting several hours into newspaper related things. I have some advice for you: get out while you still can!! Journalism steals your soul, bit by bit until you spend most of your day holed up into some little newspaper office, which further leads to the lack of sleep you have also mentioned. You may just call me a jaded 18 year old who just doesn't understand the lifestyle of you youngsters, but DON"T SAY I DIDN"T WARN YOU!

Sarah Bader
William Jewell College
Kansas City, MO

Sarah-
Oh, thanks, NOW you tell me. AFTER I spend a whole three years back in high school with Mrs. Barnett, the soulless evil sadist who gave me, the editor, a C+ because my writers were inept fools with brains of sawdust, and AFTER I had spent time until 2 in the morning, on occasion, finishing that damn paper. Thanks. Thanks a lot for your timely intervention. Fortunately, I love inflicting mental anguish on myself, so I'm back here at my college paper, which has a slightly more sane group of individuals. And all while doing a billion other activities as usual! Where do you people think I GET my mild psychosis? And youngster? YOUNGSTER?!! Young lady, I'll have you know that I'm also 18. I too am a jaded 18-year old, and though I applaud your referring to Colleen, Paige, and these other toddlers as such, I, as the future lord and master of the planet, demand respect. It sort of comes with the job.

So, until next time, everybody e-mail that guy (what guy?) Me! Everybody e-mail that guuuuyyyy.
AndersonC@wlu.edu

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think, "Forgive me, but that's just too much."

Caley's Synopsis of the Day:
Interesting developments today. Found out I had an A in all my classes, that's definitely good. At work, did lots of filing that I hadn't done before, and found out where I need to go to get paid for my months of labor, that's good. After all, I don't want to be the proverbial blood of the proletariat greasing the wheels of capital. That's never a good idea.

Added to the List(tm)
The Greedy, Bloody Wheels of Capital

Don't get any wrong ideas about me, though.

Added to the List(tm)
Communism as a political concept.

I'm playing this interesting game at W&L called "Mafia." Over 150 people are playing. Basically, you get a toy gun and a name of another player, and you have to assassinate them with the toy gun. Someone will also be hunting you. Play continues until there is only one left. Fun times. Fortunately, you can't get hit in your own room, so I'll be looking forward to actually still having a life while this game goes on.

Not much else to report today. Keep clean, kids.

Movie Review of the Day:

Today- Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead

SUMMARY- This movie is an adaptation of Tom Stoppard's play of the same name, and was directed by Stoppard himself. It is an abstractionist, absurdist play in the manner of "Waiting for Godot" that focuses on the two underlings of Shakespeare's "Hamlet," and the essential meaninglessness of their brief existences.

ACTING- Gary Oldman and Tim Roth star as R and G, respectively. The only other significant figure that would require truly good acting would be the role of the Player (not the Playa), who is Richard Dreyfuss. The problem seems to be that Dreyfuss overinterprets his character as a domineering know-it-all who holds all the answer, which he most definitely is not. He may have a less serious outlook on the quandary of existence than R and G do, but he doesn't know the answers. Still, solid overall.

WRITING- The play is genius, but it loses something when moved to the screen. Still, that belongs more under atmosphere. The script itself is a slightly-altered version of the playscript. This script is, in my opinion, one of the greatest literary works of the 20th Century, and certainly one of the greatest plays.

ATMOSPHERE- Here is where the movie suffers. The play calls for a totally blank stage. No backgrounds, ordinary costumes, barely any lighting. Total black. This is what makes scenes like "Questions" "Aboard the Ship," etc. so effective. When put onscreen in a forest, in Elsinore Castle, etc., these scenes lose their potency. I think this play really is best AS a play.

I give it- 80 out of 100 Buttery Caley Chips

Pic of the Day:

This is how all the COOL exterminators catch mice.

Point of Reflection of the Day:
Can the alleged truths of religion change while remaining true, or must they always be constant?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Los Angeles- "Stay the hell away. Unless you're an NFL franchise. Please. We're begging."

AND

Tulsa, Oklahoma- "So...uh.....anything new happening? No? Ok. ..........."

2003-01-22T01:33:00.000-05:00

131!

Hey, everyone! For super happy fun time, visit this site. Last day!

Quote of the Day:
"The stupid neither forgive nor forget, the naive forgive and forget, the wise forgive, but do not forget."
-Thomas Szasz

Of course, Thomas. I forgive you. (Superlaser Locked On)

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:
Convince NASA to launch a special "Caley Satellite," which will be used for "Research." "Use" this "satellite" to end my own "excessive" use of "quotation marks." Then, after that, use it to direct all telecommunications to a huge voice mail system, which will have a mind-boggling array of "press this for this" choices. People will get this voice mail system all the time, even when just calling their friends. This will leave them unable to defend the planet from my army of colobus monkeys with sticks.

Caley's Fan Mail/Advice Column of the Day:

"Dear Caley,
I hope you'll be able to print this one; I'm having a very difficult problem. I am a 46-year old mother of two, a 15-year old boy and an 8-year old girl. Recently, my son, who gets average grades in school, does generally fairly well in life, and who has shown no previous signs of any discontent or rebelliousness, has taken to paining his face white, wearing a LOT of black, sporting apparel such as dog collars, spiked belts, and the like. He refuses to do anything anymore, from picking up around the house, to even drinking the milk I serve him at dinner (instead of his favorite Jolt). That would be fine if his grades weren't dropping, and if he didn't hang out with a very odd group of kids who I think might lead him into drug use. He might even drop out of school! Help!"

-Veronica Hamilton
-White Plains, NY

Veronica, your son has, in the name of teenage angst and rebellion, joined an informal group known as the goths. They wear black, have tans worse than Englishmen, and think you suck. You have two possible solutions

1- Out intellectualize them. The next time he throws some Marxist trash like "Your money-prostituted culture will never understand the meaning of the despair of the true people," retort with "Perhaps. Or perhaps your slave-mentality and nihilism in the face of a lack of world boundaries has led you into abject failure in the ultimate goal of evolving into the ubermensch, as the rest of the world has done." Watch him flounder. In the game of philosophy rock-paper-scissors, Nietzche always beats Marx.

2- Let's review your son's problem. Won't drink his milk, might do drugs, and is not staying in school. Are these not the EXACT things that Mr. T wants kids NOT to do? I think it's time to teach your son a lesson. A lesson in PAIN! I pity him, for he is a fool.

That's all for now, folks. Send me your questions, and I will make fun of you. I mean answer them.

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little bits of cheese? They probably break down into their various gases before they even hit."

Caley's Synopsis of the Day:
Wow. Today was even more boring than two days ago. Though I did get to talk to Ms. Mahoney for the first time in quite a while. That was excellent, except her computer kept crapping out, so, by her own request:

Added to the List(tm)
Colleen's Computer

Also, we had a canceled history class moved to 7:15 this evening. Dinner was eastern european food, which was partly excellent, and partly horrendous (I like Poland now, but message to Estonia- How do you stay alive? Don't you vomit ALL the time?)

Added to the List(tm)
Estonian Food

I'm working on a new system for recognizing you, the esteemed readers of CEQ, but it's not quite finished yet. Expect it in the next few days.

Movie Review of the Day:

Today- Rope

I'm normally not a huge fan of Alfred Hitchcock (I thought Birds was a B-movie the first time I saw it), or of the suspense genre in general, though I will admit that suspense is much better than horror. Rope, however, changed my mind. Partially because the (WARNING- SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER) murder takes places at the very beginning, and the rest of the movie is about the two murderers, and if they'll be caught......or not. The philosophical bent which provides the motive for the murder (the two murderers, college students, had gotten a little too into Nietzche, and sought to prove their overman status by killing one of the "worthless," one of their fellow students). Brilliant acting and some of the best cinematography I've seen combine to create the thinking man's murder film.

ACTING- Couldn't ask for better. You've got two people named John Dall and Farley Granger as the murderers, one (Dall) as the brashly confident murderer who sees the whole thing as a game, and the other (Granger) as the hesitant, yet still willing killer. Jimmy Stewart in his glory years portrays the students' teacher, who led them down the philosophical tangent which led them to commit the murder, but who now is the most suspicious of them. Great stuff.

WRITING -Pure brilliance. The whole movie occurs in one room, the students' main apartment room. The beginning of the movie is the murder of their student. To portray their murder (and their getting away with it) as a work of art, they have a dinner party that night, and the food is served on a table, inside which the dead body itself is hidden! The cinematography is especially great. At some points, the dinner guests come close to discovering the secret. In one classic scene, the camera switches from a view of the guests to a lateral view of the table hiding the dead body. The maid starts to clean it off, and the camera angle allows you to see her walking back into the kitchen, cleaning off the dishes, and coming back to clean off more of the table. You can still hear the guests talking, and so can still follow the plot, but your heartbeat increases over the next few minutes as the maid gets closer and closer to opening the table. There are a few cheesy things, but not many.

ATMOSPHERE- There is no soundtrack, save at the opening and closing of the film. The only atmosphere is created by the actors. At one point, a suspicious Jimmy Stewart interrogates one of the students, who had been playing the piano, but has now fallen silent to listen to Stewart. He had been using the metronome (moving at a fast pace), but he had not turned it off, so as Stewart asks tense and demanding questions, and the student replies nervously, the metronome tick-tick-ticks on. Genius.

I give it- 91 out of 100 Buttery Caley Chips

Pic of the Day:

Ow.

Point of Reflection of the Day:
Does life have any inherent meaning or purpose? And if it doesn't, what do you do?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

The Anti-Ninja Society- "It's really not fair how they operaAAAAHHHHhggcckkkkkkk.........."

AND

Guiros- "Sscccch sch sch schhhhhh sch sch schhhhhhhh sch sch schhhhhhhh"

2003-01-21T02:09:00.000-05:00

132!

For the love of all that is good and decent, visit this website.

Quote of the Day:
"Superstition sets the whole world in flames; philosophy quenches them."
-Voltaire

Doesn't he have the coolest name ever? He is an awesome philosopher with an awesome name. Awesome.

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:
Build a huge electromagnetic device, whose range can be limitless, given enough power. Offer to pay people $.01 for every pound of junk mail they give to me. For the low, low cost of $200, get enough junk mail to burn to create enough energy to activate the magnet to such a level that it encompasses the whole planet. Laugh as fillings, coinage, weapons, and anything else with a lot of metal in it sticks to the electromagnet. Yay! Stuff is cool.

Caley's Fan Mail/Advice Column of the Day:

"Dear Caley,
how do you do it? do u have a book or anything that will teach me how to be as cool as u are? i mean, ur just so freakin incredible.

peace out,
John
Tucson, AZ

First of all, "John," if that's your real name, "cool" people use proper punctuation, spelling, and grammatical structure in their e-mails. Get with the program. Do you think chicks dig guys who refer to their loves, their reasons for being, their undying motivations toward all that is good and healthful as "u"? You fool. You poor, naive, sad, possibly high fool. To further criticize your lowbrowness for my own personal amusement before actually answering your question, please, please don't say "peace out." That's dead, my fine friend. If you wish to express a similar sentiment, say something like "May there be peace on earth, and goodbye," or something like that.

To answer your question- Yes, there is a book that is sold in all fine bookstores (if it doesn't have my book, it's not fine) entitled "Caley's Guide To Totally Rocking" While I don't have time to reproduce the whole book here, I'll give you some of its major points-

Step 1- Stop sucking
Step 2- Become cool
Step 3- Totally Rock, conquer small provincial territory, cede it to the Federated Despotism of Independent Caleyia (tm). Be rewarded with a job as an overseer rather than a hard laborer under my tyrannical government. Mission accomplished.

To answer your question "How do you do it," I would answer that a teaspoon of dirt from a fresh grave, three bottles of gris gris, and five nightcrawlers usually does the trick. If not, then you can always turn to a blunt instrument to the head. Or a superlaser, I've never gone wrong with superlasers.

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life."

Caley's Synopsis of the day of the Day:
Had severe trouble sleeping last night, as usual. I'm not really sure why; this has consistently happened to me for years now (yes, before the shooting, so don't tell me that's it). I'll lay down, I might be tired and exhausted, and I'll just lay there with my eyes closed, not going to sleep. Then I get all restless and agitated, so I get up and do something. Then I'll just figure "screw sleep" and do stuff all night and through the early morning. I don't suffer immediate adverse effects; usually I'll get hit with a heavy dose of exhaustion around 2:00 pm the next day, but an hour later it's usually gone. This is common with me, and even now it's almost 2 in the morning, I didn't sleep last night, and so I've been up for almost 48 hours straight.

I worry about this; it can't possibly be good for my health. My college schedule has forced me to start eating far less than I would at home (I don't wake up early enough to eat breakfast when I do sleep, and lunch happens during classes, thus I eat only dinner every day, and that's usually all I'll have), and I'm getting lots of exercise, not just from walking everywhere, but by doing 8 hours a week of high-impact cardiovascular exercise in the form of fencing. I believe I've lost fat, though my weight has remained steady overall, and I've become even more lean and svelte than I was before. Yet despite all this, my body constantly aches, I suffer from near-chronic headaches and stomachaches, and I get colds and such easily. I suspect that this is caused directly by my rampant insomnia, whose cause in turn I cannot guess. Stress, perhaps? I've been more stressed than this before and still been able to sleep. My sleeping conditions are certainly on par. I'm not depressed. A little anxious, perhaps, but not depressed. It's not like I haven't slept while anxious before. Yet I'll still be out there at 4:50 am, walking around for lack of something better to do, or maybe just writing or some such. I've always disliked sleep as a concept because you're not really living while you're asleep. Maybe that's it.

Added to the List(tm):
Sleep

Anyway, the rest of the day. Since I was up early (which staying awake all night forces you to do), I went and practiced piano for a few hours before heading over to the Dining Hall for breakfast (which I NEVER eat except on days after I stay awake; I do it for the extra energy). I wrote a couple of items that needed to be taken care of, then headed off to class. All my classes were great and intellecutally stimulating, as usual, particularly religion today, surprisingly, which is usually the dullest of the lot (but is still interesting compared to, say, Calculus)

Added to the List(tm):
Calculus as a General Education College Requirement.

I wrote a few pieces for the newspaper, went to my work-study super-part-time (5 hrs/wk) job staring at numbers, ran fencing practice (at which all of 3 people, myself included, showed up. Stupid frats and sororities, taking away my fencers' precious fencing time), and returned to my dorm for the usual rituals of writing, updating CEQ, and playing Go online, a game that I learned recently and have begun to try to get good at. I am better than most in three of the four representatives of the grand strategy games. I am a high-level competitor in Chess, have never been defeated at Risk, can outwit most at Othello/Reversi, but I've never learned go until recently. It's mind-bogglingly complex, I must say, even more so than chess when you play on a regulation-sized board. Unlike chess, part of the game seems to be understanding the psychology of your opponent, which I like. Nothing will ever really beat chess for me, though. Greatest game ever.

Movie Review of the Day:

Today- Master of Disguise

First off, I love Dana Carvey. He is a hilarious man and HBO should contract him to make 1 stand-up comedy routine for them every month. I think he should chastise Mike Myers' steering of the Austin Powers franchise in a manner similar, perhaps, to that of Hamlet, as he might say, Austin Powers "though it makes the unskillful laugh, cannot but make the judicious grieve." He is a comedic genius. That said, I cannot understand WHY he would agree to star in ANY movie whose supposedly-funniest line was "Turtle, turtle, turtle."

The whole PLOT is contained in the movie's title, a sure-fire sign of badness in any film. Basically Carvey must foil the evildoers by dressing up in pretty costumes and getting into their secret bases. Frankly, if I were an evil supervillain, which I am, and I knew that my primary opponent's only valuable skill was disguise, I would order my guards to patrol set boundaries of my evil fortress and shoot anything that entered those boundaries, be it a fellow guard, talking lampshade, or weird, turtle-like man (which I, also, have already done).

ACTING- The acting is not convincing (what did you expect), but it gets the job done. Carvey has never been one to portray any sort of major heroic role. He was always the fall guy on SNL, and continued to be in movies, even in Wayne's World, where he played the naive and simple Garth. Even then, he was a sidekick. For him to portray a hero is too weird for me, as he doesn't make it very convincing at all. The rest of the cast does a competent, if somewhat forced, job.

WRITING- Erck. Though the movie has its chuckle points, there are, as my copy of Windows XP would put it, some fatal exceptions. First of all, you shouldn't make a total mastery of disguise the whole premise of your plot. And then, even if you insisted upon doing it, clearly the correct genre for such a movie is action/adventure, not comedy. As a comedy it ends up being funny in all the wrong ways. Maybe your customers' friends will find it hilarious that your customers actually paid money to watch your movie.

ATMOSPHERE- Please. Every indoor set in the MOVIE looks like some sort of late 60s kitsch. Give me a break.

I give it- 37 out of 100 Buttery Caley Chips

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual."

Pic of the Day:

Yeah! All the COOL kids get this joke.

Point of Reflection:
Suppose, as is supposed farcically in the upcoming film Bruce Almighty, that god, assuming there is one or several, decides to give you, personally, all of the powers inherent in being a god. What would you do?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

That other 1 dentist out of the 10 who hates Crest- Defy the man, kids, defy the man.

AND

Death- "Hey, it's better than taxes, iddinit?"

2003-01-20T01:37:00.000-05:00

133!

Once again, visit this website to solve all of the world's problems. Only a few days left!

Quote of the Day:
"Man is something that is to be surpassed."
-Friedrich Nietzche.

Geez, Freddy, tell me something I don't know.

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:
Entrust Lucky the Leprechaun with a box of cereal. Tell him that he must guard it with his life. Then, secretly, assign the Trix rabbit to get the box of cereal at all costs. Since Lucky cannot successfully guard any box of cereal, and since the Trix rabbit cannot successfully pilfer any box of cereal, threaten the world with the destruction of the universe through a quantum paradox unless I am made world dictator.

NEW CEQ FEATURE!!!
Caley's Fan Mail/Advice Column of the Day
(In which I shall attempt to answer the tons of e-mail I get every day from adoring CEQ fans).

"Dear Caley,
I'm a 34-year old housemaker living with two adolescent children and a husband of 17 years. I've kept house and been the primary caretaker for the children ever since my husband, who is an architectural engineer, and I have been married. Recently, I've been feeling the need to expand my horizons and go to school so that I, too, can get a productive and interesting job. My husband has told me that it's not necessary for the family income and that I should really continue to stay at home, but I don't want to do this for the money, more for the fulfillment. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Ella,
Edmonton

Dear Ella,
Well, Ella, the root causes of your problems should be obvious to anyone except your own foolishly naive self.

Problem 1- You live in Canada. Enough said.

Problem 2- The secondary cause of your problem seems to be that you are considering yourself "held-back" by your husband and children, if you will. Many housewives, especially those who took home-ec courses, feel this repressed need for independence and individuality, for a sense of self not defined by marriage or children. There are, as always, two ways of solving this problem, the so-called "normal" way, and the Caley way.

Solution 1- Betty Friedan's way- Liberate yourself. If your family cannot afford to pay for your tuition, get a low-skilled job to make your way through. If you stick to it, you can fulfill your dreams without alienating your family.

Solution 2- The Caley Way- Lull your children to sleep with lullabies one night. When your husband arrives home from work, preferably exhausted and worn-out after a long day's toil, prepare a delicious dinner for him. A delicious cyanide dinner. After he falls lifeless to the ground, hide the evidence. Murder your children with an axe. Preserve your family's organs and sell them on the black market. A good juvenile heart will fetch nearly $10,000, these days, so you should reap enough money to pay your way through college.

That's all for now folks. Write to me with your problems, thoughts, and general concerns at AndersonC@wlu.edu.

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper?"

Caley's Synopsis of the day of the Day:
Well....nothing much really happened today. I woke up, typed up some homework, went down and worked at the newspaper office for an hour or so, and came back and did some more homework. What do you expect for a Sunday. Oh, although I do have one List(tm) addition.

Added to the List(tm):
The Oakland Raiders

Movie Review of the Day:
Today, Paige will be reviewing the movie, because I am lazy. Take it away, Paige.

I Love Trouble

This movie is soooooo underrated. First of all, here's the story: mysterious train derailment, enemy reporters (Julia Roberts and Nick Nolte) cover the story and decide to team up to solve the mystery. And that's all you really need to know. The real greatness in this film is in the details the director put in, but I'll go through the acting and stuff anyway.

Acting: Julia Roberts gives a deliciously subtle performance as sexpot reporter Sabrina Peterson and Nick Nolte (the man with the sexiest voice
ever) is perfect as seasoned columnist Peter Brackett. While watching the movie, I forget it's Roberts and Nolte, and think it's Peterson and Brackett.

Writing: eh...very contrived plot, but maybe it was supposed to be that way...in any case, it's definitely not a strong aspect of the movie.

Direction/Editing: Okay, boys and girls here's a little history lesson for you. In the 1930s/1940s cute romantic caper movies were put out to make people happy, because movies were an escape. The lighting, hairstyles and performances found in I Love Trouble emanate those of that era. And now the editing, sigh. All the dissolves and irises and wipes are TRADEMARKS of early films. And because I am obsessed with film and the 40s, this movie, wow. It's orgasmic. :D

I give it 590 out of 634 kumquats!"

Despite never having seen this movie, and despite the fact that I'm sure it's great, I totally disagree with everything Paige said. Since half of 634 is 317, I will reflect her score of 590 (273 more than 317) about the halfway point, obtaining the Caley score of 44 out of 634 kumquats, or approximately 6 out of 100 Buttery Caley Chips.

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice."

Pic of the Day:

TIE Fighters are excellent. RRREEEEEEEEEOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRR

Point of Reflection of the Day:
If you are female, pretend- Boxers or briefs?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

The DOS Crime Syndicate- Bad Command and his henchman File Name.

AND

The Steam on the Water- "We're Always Overlooked"

2003-01-19T00:32:00.000-05:00

134!

If you didn't already know, you must go here.

Quote of the Day:
"Give me the man who has enough brains to make a fool of himself!"
-Robert Louis Stevenson

Reporting for duty, sir.

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:
Make contact with intergalactic slug aliens. Show them how pathetically backwards our poor civilization is, and watch them laugh hysterically at our primitive little cars and computers. Invite them to take over with their superior technology. Then, when they do, pour salt on them and take their conquest for myself. NOW who's laughing, you little slugs?

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick "Americans" as their mascot."

Caley's Synopsis of the day of the Day:

Got up at 11, went to do my radio show at 12. It went alright, but the equipment kept acting reeeallly funny on me, so I had to fix some stuff on the spot, which wasn't terribly relaxing. After that, fencing practice. Fewer and fewer people keep on showing up to practice. Our last officers meeting was missing two-thirds of the officers. I hope fencing isn't dying out, there was such huge interest in it at the beginning of the year. And don't forget that I've put a large amount of personal time and money into it. Bleah. They won't even let us fence in the racquetball courts anymore, we have to fence in dark hallways. Personally, I don't think the athletic director cares, but there's this one custodian who really seems to have it in for the fencing club for some reason.

Added to the List:
The Cross-Eyed W&L Janitor

Nothing much has really happened since then. There was a bunch of stuff going on around campus this evening, but I don't have anyone to go with, seeing as how I have no real friends around here. But meh, who cares. Self-reliance has never been a weak point with me. My motto- "Sucks not to be me."

Movie Review of the Day:

Today- "The Magic Act" circa 1904.

Frankly, this movie fails to live up even to its title. All the movie is is a series of "magic" tricks that any REAL magician would see and drop laughing to the ground, crying bitterly all the while. Here's an example-

"Magician" and "Subject" walk on camera. "Magician" holds drape over subject. Camera scratches and there is visual image distortion, much in the manner you would expect if, say, two different pieces of film had been spliced together. "Magician" drops drape, "subject" has disappeared. Bravo, Mr. Magic Man, I've come up with better tricks than that, and I'm an amateur.

ACTING- There is only acting in that the "magician" is really an actor pretending to be a magician. He is not really a magician. The "subject" is a beautiful woman portraying a beautiful woman, but I don't think that counts.

WRITING- Pitiful. Not a word is spoken. Even for a silent film, the writing of the truly awful magic tricks was STILL horrid.

ATMOSPHERE- This is the movie's only redeeming point. There is a carnival-like circus background, which says something along the lines of "HEY! GET READY FOR SOME FUN!!" Sadly, you will be let down, and your childhood fondness for the circus will be shattered.

I give it- 24 out of 100 Buttery Caley Chips

Caley's Evil Overlord Reslolution of the Day:
"The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention."

Pic of the Day:

If you recognize this, you're hardcore.

Point of Reflection of the Day:
Should the number one priority of everyone's lives be self-preservation, as that is the most fundamental right in the universe (to exist)?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

The Corporation for Public Websites that Don't Suck

AND

The Element 111 Brotherhood- Unite!

2003-01-18T02:11:00.000-05:00

135!

Again, I remind you that the answer to all of your problems can be solved on this website.

Quote of the Day:
"Caution: Cigarette smoking may be hazardous to your health."
-Surgeon General's Warning

Is it just me, or should they replace this with the label "Cigarette smoking IS hazardous to your health. Stop right now before we come over there and beat you in the head with a stick"?

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:
Create an army of robots, and also a first person shooter PC game. And also a highly elaborate GPS omni-tracking device. And also, as a back-up plan, a superlaser. Link up the GPS device to the PC game, so that the game's maps, levels, people, etc., all correspond to the real world in every detail. Link up each individual account created on the game to one particular robot. The invincible robots, guided by their clueless pimply-faced masters, will then sweep over the globe in a bloodbath of suffering and pain. And if not, beeeooooo!

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can't think of a single one, unless you could that rattlesnake that granted me all those wishes."

Caley's Synopsis of the day of the Day:

This day has been surprisingly kind to me. First, there was a special Honor Institute event today, which is a big deal and excuse to have buffets and important speakers around here. Thus, the class schedule was altered. I woke up to go to religion class, only to find that the professor had made a mistake and told us the class was one hour later than it actually was. Thus, he ended up canceling it. Yay. Then, I ran into my History professor, who told us that he would be unable to do the class today, thus he canceled it. Yay. My politics professor had already told us five days in advance that today's class would be canceled. Yay. No class. So I took a damn long nap because I got almost NO sleep last night, for a multitude of reasons, one, Kappa Kappa Gamma sisters were parading and chanting under Graham Lees from 1-2. Second, I usually can't sleep anyway. Third, I got a phone call at 4:28 am. Fourth, some other thing. Wow. The nap helped, though.

Added to the List(tm):
Kappa Kappa Gamma Sorority, Washington & Lee Chapter

Then I got up and went to the fencing meeting, which was supposed to have 6 people at it, but instead there were 2, including me. Sad, sad stuff. Then, after discussing fencing pricing figures with the one guy who DID go, I went to fencing practice, which was slightly better. Then, I went to our weekly Fencing Flicks on Fridays, which had more people at it than the meeting and practice combined. Odd.

Now I'm back here trying to update this webpage and put together my classical show for tomorrow, which will, by the way, be on from 12-2pm EST instead of 10am-12. This will be a permanent change. And now, for something completely different.

Movie Review of the Day:

Today- Signs

Personally, I've been skeptical of M. Night Shyamalan ever since "Unbreakable," or whatever that godawful movie was titled. All I know is that it's one of those movies that Samuel L. Jackson was in, yet still managed to retain his credibility. Anyway, back to Signs. Mel Gibson plays a minister who has lost faith since the death of his wife. Joaquin Phoenix, who rules for his portrayal of Commodus in Gladiator, plays his eldest son. Insignificant people play his younger children, one 9-ish boy and one 6-ish girl.

The movie, as you probably already know, is about mysterious crop circles and the aliens who make them. The movie is extremely good at building the tension, but sort of messes it up when it actually shows the aliens. They are stereotypical tall green men with bulbous eyes and all. They're not physically intimidating. (One major section of the movie is rather interesting. If there's a Signs DVD, and this section gets its own chapter, the chapter will be entitled "Joaquin Phoenix beating the crap out of an alien with a baseball bat.)

The aliens are smart, however. I won't ruin the plot for you, however, instead, I'll bring you my trifecta style analysis.

ACTING- Mel Gibson does fairly well, though I've seen better out of him. He manages to let you sink in to the movie and see him as his character, and not as Mel Gibson. Joaquin Phoenix does a bang-up job, especially when he's beating the crap out of the alien with a baseball bat. That's classic. The kids do ok for kids, and the aliens are ok for fictional pieces of computer animation.

WRITING- It could have been better. Everything up until the first visual contact with an actual alien is Hitchcock-esque. After that, it's more like Scream-esque, except no one important dies.

ATMOSPHERE- Again, the atmosphere prior to alien discovery will creep you out. Afterwards, you'll be crying from laughing so hard at seeing the much-hyped alien pummeled to within an inch of its life repeatedly by a deadly-Joaquin master of the ancient and mystic art of beating the crap out of stuff with baseball bats.

I give it- 75 out of 100 Buttery Caley Chips

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary."

Pic of the Day:

This brings a whole new meaning to the French Defense.

Point of Reflection of the Day:
If there were a machine that could recreate ANY experience completely accurately for you, say, a magical first kiss, riding up to the grand canyon for the first time, being a rock star, etc., whatever, would you plug into the machine for life?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Nelly- He reps the Lou

AND

Trista- Yet another St. Louis institution to be proud of.

(You rip me off, Paige, I rip you off.)

2003-01-17T01:50:00.000-05:00

136!

Don't forget that you can bid on what must be considered THE most desirable item on the planet for the paltry price of a dollar here.

Quote of the Day:
"For I am nothing if not critical."
-William Shakespeare

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:
Become a hardcore white gangsta rapper (not that I'm not already, but become famous and all) a la Eminem. Command my legions of fans through direct messages in my songs to procure heavy weapons (ya'll fly suckas out there got to kick on the big guns), world maps (you can't do the rap if you ain't got no map), superlaser parts (I like superlasers. Uh...yo, yo, yo.), and printing presses to create propaganda with (Loose lips sink ships, m*******ckers). Also, for the hell of it, command them to beat up Moby, even though Moby is cool (see actual Eminem lyrics). Then, command them to overthrow the world's governments (All ya'll suckas got to overflow the border, ain't no Caley-hatin', just a one world order).

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink."

Caley's Synopsis of the day of the Day:

As is the custom for many western countries in the morning, I woke up. No one from the financial aid office called to make be paranoid and seclusive today, so I slept in. Then I went to my philosophy course, where things were much more interesting than last time, because we talked about comparing Kierkegaard's approach to wrongdoing as opposed to Socrates. Kierkegaard sees people as existing because they are capable of studying themselves, or of "relating to themselves." He says that wrongdoing arises when the self, seeing itself, refuses to be itself, and thus sins against god, who has willed that self to be. Even the most petty wrongdoing, like low-value theft or egotism, arises from this basis, which is known as despair. Socrates held that there was no good or evli except knowledge or ignorance, respectively. He said that everyone necessarily did what was they thought would be good, and also advantageous to themselves (Socrates also argued that if something is truly good, then it is also advantageous to you, and vice versa). Therefore, if you do something wrong, it is because you were ignorant of what was good. If one is ignorant, one can only correct the fault by admitting the ignorance and starting the inquiry on the subject over again. Everyone in the room pretty much agreed with Kierkegaard, except for me and this student from Russia who I've learned is a descendant of Nikita Khruschev. Socrates is one of the greatest thinkers who have shaped my thoughts on the world, and this central tenet of his philosophy is my entire moral system, for those of you who don't know. And if you didn't know, you are by definition ignorant, and thus evil. Just kidding.

Anyway, after philosophy, I did most of my homework for Friday (except for the two page paper, which I still have to do), and then ate dinner, which was fish, wild rice, carrots, and chicken cordon bleu, which I used to like. It used to be one of my favorite dishes. Lunchmeat inside of chicken. Yum. But noooo, the cafeteria had to go and ruin it by serving it once every five days. However, the cafeteria overall remains decent. But still.

Added to the List(tm)
Chicken Cordon Bleu

After dinner, I found out via poster that Kurt Vonnegut will be coming to Washington & Lee to speak. Wow. My favorite 20th Century author. The man who wrote Cat's Cradle. The man who wrote Slaughterhouse Five. He is, in my opinion, the greatest modern user of irony and sarcasm in fiction. So far, this will be the first person on my High School Mandated Reading List whom I will see in person, and frankly, I'd rather see him than, say, Charles Dickens. Oh, that reminds me.

Added to the List(tm)
Charles Dickens

Charles Dickens is HORRIBLE. First, the wacky names. Flip through David Copperfield, for instance. "Pickerwick?" Honestly. Second, the rambling nonsense that has no relevance to the plot. Joe was a blacksmith. Blacksmithing is ok, I guess, but you get kind of dirty and blah blah blah blah blah. (That was a paraphrase, though the words do start to look like blah blah blah after reading Dickens for a while).

Anyway, I played chess with the Dean of Students, David Howison, today, as I do every Thursday at 8. I played White the first game, and lost. Then I played Black the second time, and won. Then I played White again and drew, then Black again and drew. The Dean and I are still even on our matches. He may have to give the founders day address tomorrow instead of David McCullough, the noted historian, who was originally slated to speak, but whose flight was cancelled due to inclement weather around these parts (being a Californian, I am unaware of what the white substance that falls from the sky is). Dean Howison really is a great guy, he takes care to inquire about how things are really going for you every time you come to see him. Nice man. Pity that he's retiring this year.

Now I'm back here, writing this. And I just wrote that sentence. And that one. DEAR SWEET MERCY, WILL IT NEVER END?

Movie Review of the Day:

Today- Othello

This is not the movie "O," by the way, though that movie is also good. This is the one that follows Shakespeare's script nearly to the letter.

This movie features Laurence Fishburne in the title role, Irene Jacob as Othello's wife Desdemona, and Kenneth Branagh as the greatest literary villain of all time, Iago.

(For your convenience, I have divided up the sections of a film into ACTING, WRITING, and ATMOSPHERE)

Acting- Laurence Fishburne is a true master of acting, whether he's playing Shakespearean title characters or showing up Keanu Reeves in The Matrix. He gives a passioned and convincing performance that you lose yourself in, a performance that Bill himself would have been proud of.

Irene Jacob, a lesser-known actress, is surrounded by greats, but she holds her own in this flawless portrayal of a noble character who maintains honor and optimism while all unfolds around her.

Kenneth Branagh is no stranger to Shakespeare. He has appeared in five different productions of Shakespeare plays on film, in addition to his theatre work and his roles in non-Shakespeare movies. His most notable roles include Much Ado About Nothing, where he plays Benedick, the comedic lover of Beatrice. He also directed that film, and made it a huge success, despite the presence of Keanu Reeves (::shudder::) His best acting performance occurs in his self-directed portrayal of Hamlet. Only the greatest actors can pull off a portrayal of the infinitely complex character of Hamlet, and Branagh makes it look easy. Surprisingly, Keanu Reeves was not in Hamlet. In Othello, Branagh shows he can do evil just as well as good, if not better. His sinister sneers at the camera and his absolutely classic deliverance of the "Put money in thy purse" speech turns Iago from one of the most infamous theatre villains into one of the most infamous cinema villains.

WRITING- Well, it was written by Shakespeare. Do I dare to critique the Bard himself? Of course. He may be William Shakespeare, but I am Caley Anderson. That said, I love Othello. It is my second favorite Shakespearean play next to Hamlet, and my third favorite piece of literature overall after Les Miserables, which is second to Hamlet. This makes it great, especially since yesterday's movie was Urban Legend, which is like a cruel mockery of literature of any kind. (Forsooth, thou hast duct taped me to the ground over those tire-deinflater parking exit traps, and then thou hast run over me with a car.)

ATMOSPHERE- Branagh, who is also the director, seals the deal here. The portrayal of both mainland Italy and Cyprus are convincingly renaissance, and Branagh can create any atmosphere from dark and forbidding to cheerful and merry. The soundtrack is adequate to the task, though it remains, as it should, relatively unnoticed in the background. The greatest scene in the movie, theatre-wise, was the climactic scene in which.....hey, I'm not going to reveal the ending of Othello to you. Read the damn thing, or better yet, watch the movie.

The only thing even remotely wrong with this movie is Branagh's obessesion with passionate make-out scenes. I can understand it in Hamlet when HE was in the scene and he got to make out with Kate Winslet, but come on, enough is enough. That said, great movie overall.

I give it- 97 out of 100 Buttery Caley Chips

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her."

Pic of the Day:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, that is great.

Point of Reflection of the Day:
Is it possible to know anything for sure? Can we really PROVE beyond any doubt whatsoever any of the beliefs that we hold to be "true"?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Drive-In- The Most Godawful Horror Movie You Will Ever See Besides Urban Legend.
(Someone dies by having their face held in butter. Not hot butter, mind you, just regular ol' butter.)

AND

The Faux Rapper- I do not like big butts. However, I can lie.

2003-01-16T03:20:00.000-05:00

FIRST- Please note that there is an exceptionally notable item immediately following today's update.

Quote of the Day:
"Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in the milk."
-Henry Thoreau

A trout in the milk? If that's evidence for ANYTHING, I think it's for the fact that ol' Henry was hallucinating a bit from too many days down by the lake. This is the man whose last words were "Moose. Indian." after all. Man.

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:
Offer a free (fake) lottery ticket (again) to anyone who is willing to run on a human-sized hamster wheel for 10 minutes. The wheel will be attached to a generator. I will sell the generator's energy and use the money to buy parts and equipment for a....you guessed it....superlaser. I will then start using the energy to power the superlaser. Thus, I will use the world's own massive stupidity against it.

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the preening."

NEW CEQ FEATURE (Man, I'm adding one at like one per two weeks now)
Caley's Synopsis of the day of the Day
(In which I will review the day prior to the day listed at the top of the update)

Ech. Today was better than yesterday, I guess. Don't even get me started on yesterday. Here's a brief synopsis of the people who were added to my List of People and Things That Suck:
Soren Kierkegaard
Janice from the Admissions/Financial Aid Office
Ho Chi Minh
The Man Who Cooked That Part of the Cow That I Ate On January 13th, 2003.
James Sargent
Orcs. Stupid Orcs.

Today, as every day except for that one in the summer between my sophomore and junior years, I woke up. Religion class was quite interesting, as we discussed the theory of Ludwig Feuerbach that food is the essence of what people are, since food is the material of the brain and the brain is mind. His brain food? Beans. 'Nuff said.

Added to the List(tm)
Ludwig Feuerbach
and
Beans

Nothing really out of the ordinary in Politics. In history, though, I had the privilege of listening to a guest professor, the world's greatest authority on Booker T. Washington, a rarity in that he is an old man who is as sharp as a tack. Quite a lecturer, too, it was a lot o' fun.

Then I got back to the dormicile (haha, everyone laugh at the pun. It is very funny. Funny pun. Haha.) and tried to work on the survey of DOOM! Couldn't think of any questions, because I couldn't get this song out of my head.

Added to the List(tm)
The "Menomenon" song from Sesame Street.

Stupid song. So then I wrote the hilarious thing that you'll find under today's update. Took me all of thirty minutes, so I hope you like it. Studied, killed some time, then I hatched a brilliant scheme with Paige. Apparently, one of our fellow Jeopardy competitors, Misti, has had her roommate put up for auction on e-bay AN E-MAIL FROM MISTI. That's right. Although I correspond with Misti and could get an e-mail for free, I was intrigued, and I decided to bid three dollars, more than the current $2.50. Apparently, someone else had set a proxy bid order (that's where they set up a maximum bid, and then they incrementally increase their bid as you increase yours.) They thus automatically outbid me to $3.50. So I went to $4.00, etc. Apparently, there's someone out there who'd be willing to pay $20 for an e-mail from someone who had, at most, three minutes of fame. Seeing this amazing spectacle, Paige and I, being the ruthless capitalists that we are, decided to take advantage of the gullible and sell and e-mail from the BOTH of us. Really. The URL is http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=16071&item=3001309322&rd=1 . It also contains a rare photograph of me, though I look hideous. Enjoy, and bid on an e-mail from me and Paige. I'd at least like to recoup the 30 cents I spent on putting this up for sale. C'mon, it's only a dollar.

Movie Review of the Day:

I was going to do Star Wars Episode II yesterday, but as you know, I accidentally quit, thus sapping my enthusiasm for any movie reviews for quite a while. Thus, for the purposes of my own laziness, I will be reviewing the movie Urban Legend.

My friends Sarah and Ben went to see this movie with me. Like so many other awful ideas in the history of the world, the idea to see this movie came from Sarah. Ben, being the crazy kind of guy that he is, said that he would rather watch "Back to the Future II" than go see a movie with "all you smelly folks." That's just how he is. Anyway, after the movie, we all got in the car, and Ben and I both said, without prior arrangement, at the same time, "We should have watched Back to the Future II." Damn movie. I could have seen Saving Private Ryan on the big screen, but noooooo.

I give it- 3 out of 100 Buttery Caley Chips

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about."

Pic of the Day:

WHAT'S WRONG WITH FRUIT??!!! YOU THINK YOU KNOW IT ALL, EH? FRESH FRUIT NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU, EH? WELL, I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING, MY LAD!! WHEN YOU'RE WALKING HOME TONIGHT AND SOME GREAT HOMICIDAL MANIAC COMES AT YOU WITH A BUNCH OF LOGANBERRIES DON'T COME CRYING TO ME!!!"

Point of Reflection of the Day:
Do order and chaos really exist, or are they just attempts by our minds to find patterns in the ever-more-complex universe. If they are real, is order inherently better, or are they equals? Or is chaos better?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

The individual who operates the devices that assist me in my musical enterprises. See below.

AND

Dramatic Suspense Chords. Dun-dun-DUUUUUNNNNNN!!!

2003-01-15T22:24:00.000-05:00

To make up for my gross incompetence yesterday with the accidental deleting of the update, here is an old rap song, the lyrics of which I have intellectualized. I'm sure you'll know which rap song I'm parodying here.....enjoy!

Attention, person of great importance. Let us commence this composition.

Frozen, Frozen Infant
Frozen, Frozen Infant
Very well, halt,
Work with others in an often sinister fashion and allow me a moment of your auditory attention.
The frozen dihydrogen monoxide has returned in the possession of my recently contrived apparatus.
An unknown object or person arrests me in a grip nigh unto that of a vice.
After that I shall move fluidly from one place to another that a weapon deadly to aquatic mammals at 12 hour intervals.
Is there any chance of the aforementioned actions terminating?
Alas, I am unaware.
Extinguish the illumination devices and I will emit a phosphorescent aura.
To the fullest possible extent I am adept with an auditory input device in the manner of an ancient Germanic barbarian tribe.
Shed a wave/particle existence on a flat platform featuring many celebrated musical talents and pour waste products from candles on the ignorant in a manner very reminiscent of the very candles themselves.

Move one’s physical being simultaneously with high-volume percussive sounds in the composition.
Attack in a group the auditory output device that creates a low-impact sonic shock wave.
I am deadening your cerebrum in the manner of a common fungus with toxic properties.
It is potentially fatal in the event that I am composing an admirable sequence of notes.
Anything that is of a quality less than the best possible is a serious crime under Federal law.
Have great affection for it or depart from its presence.
It is recommended that you obtain a route.
It is recommended that you strike the center of the target in archery and darts.
The small child does not engage in normal social participation leading to self-amusement.
In the hypothetical situation that there was a quandary, one could rely on myself to properly resolve it.
Closely observe the curving, sharp weapon and/or tool while the individual who operates the devices that assist me in my musical enterprises performs said vocation.

Frozen, Frozen Infant. Ancient spice whose name is now synonymous with insipidity.
Frozen, Frozen Infant. Ancient spice whose name is now synonymous with insipidity.
Frozen, Frozen Infant. Ancient spice whose name is now synonymous with insipidity.
Frozen, Frozen Infant. Ancient spice whose name is now synonymous with insipidity.

Now that the social gathering is temporarily resisting the laws of physics as they pertain to large heavenly bodies,
Along with the extremely low pitched sound now a part of this very song, the largest Nevada city is utilizing Boyle’s Law of Gases to move gases from one place to another.
To end this digression and return to the main focus, I repeat, the main focus- there is no imitation or pretending to be what one is not.
I am using high heat to culinarily prepare my rivals in the genre of music in which I operate in a manner similar to that which one would use when dealing with approximately 453.592 metric grams of porcine fat strips.
I am inflicting serious injury on them from said heat in the case that they are not adequately gifted in manual dexterity and speed.
I lose all semblance of sanity at times when I perceive the sound of a brass-colored percussive instrument used to provide a dramatic crashing sound
The same occurs when I perceive the sound of a similar, yet softer device which hits together two small versions of the aforementioned first device, but only when this combinative device is being operated at a hyperelevated pace.
I am atop a circular momentum which can only be stopped with great difficulty, and additionally the moment has come to perform to the exclusion of all else that is performed in this composition.
Moving with circular momentum in my square root of 25 carried to one decimal place
With the protective top wind cover of my vehicular method of transportation in a state of non-utilization in order that my follicular matter may be interacted with by local weather patterns in a fascinating and exhilarating manner
The females are patiently waiting.
Moving one’s arm in a gesture of greeting for the exclusive purpose of greeting.
Did you suspend relative motion?
The answer is negative, I simply continued on past the relativistic viewpoint.
I continuously pursued until the next legally-mandated suspension of relativistic motion in the previously-discussed vehicle.
I manipulated the steering device of the vehicle in such a manner as to cause it to turn en occidentes and I am now en route to the next square-shaped section of the urban area which is bounded by four paved routes.
Alas, that section of the urban area was rather stultifying, and nothing notable was occurring in that location.

Therefore, I resolved to continue to the coastal region.
The females there were quite appealing; this was aided by the fact that their apparel consisted of garments containing less matter than average two piece bathing suits.
Fans of music genres other than the one of which I am an integral part were operating expensive Italian automobiles.
They were quite envious of my interaction with the scantily-clad females.
Fortunately, my comrade had a heavy firearm which fires multiple projectiles in the area of the target, and I myself was armed with a highly accurate short range sidearm.
We were searching visually for the people near the building who had low I.Q.s
Our potential combatants were highly intoxicated, and thus full of ire, though this would prove to be their undoing, since the effects of ethanol tend to cloud one’s ability to operate a firearm.
The report of projectiles filled the air like a small musical device that rings and is often used for non musical purposes.
I came into manual possession of my accurate sidearm
However, my comrade had already utilized his heavy firearm with lethal intent.
Our enemies were then in agony, falling instantly to the city-funded pavement.
Fearing reprisal from their comrades or law enforcement officials, I then returned quickly to my vehicle and departed the locality at a maximum reasonable speed.
Regrettably, the multitude of other vehicles on the public route made an expeditious escape improbable.
I am, to reiterate, attempting to depart in such a manner because I fear action by local law enforcement and/or those in league with the victims.
The aforementioned law enforcement officials arrived prior to my departure,
You are quite aware of what I am speaking.
In an act that could be counted as mostly good fortune on my part, the law enforcement officials ignored my obvious transgressions and instead chose to bring to justice some of my wounded victims and their allies, who had in fact been vending illicit narcotics.
In the hypothetical situation that there was a quandary, one could rely on myself to properly resolve it.
Closely observe the curving, sharp weapon and/or tool while the individual who operates the devices that assist me in my musical enterprises performs said vocation.

Frozen, Frozen Infant. Ancient spice whose name is now synonymous with insipidity.
Frozen, Frozen Infant. Ancient spice whose name is now synonymous with insipidity.
Frozen, Frozen Infant. Ancient spice whose name is now synonymous with insipidity.
Frozen, Frozen Infant. Ancient spice whose name is now synonymous with insipidity.

It is in your best interest to pay close attention, for I am a veritable artist with the language of song.
To reassure you in the case that you were unaware, the largest urban area in the State of Florida is currently fashionable.
This is because it is my favored urban area, for it was the originator of musical sound which utilizes extremely low pitched vibrations.
These vibrations are, in fact, so low, that they are capable of causing the earth’s surface to vibrate in a violent manner, and also of creating large, potentially dangerous gaps in such a surface.
Additionally, the manner in which I perform my compositions is similar to an accident in which a research laboratory or any other subject accidentally releases the contents of a chemical agent.
For my lyrical patterns are both visible and textile.
They are both easily operated and conceived.
This is a very new and original idea.
Adding to my prestige, my comrades and I make the compositions, along with the lyrical patterns, popular as a part of modern culture, and as a result you have the desire to be familiar with it.
My comrade, the one who possesses the heavy firearm whom I mentioned earlier, and who additionally is the previously-spoken-of individual who operates the devices that assist me in my musical enterprises, is adept at his vocation, so much so that he resembles an ancient class of Japanese elite warriors known for their stealth and cunning in the manner that he performs acts on the tempo of the composition similar to those which the ancient warrior class would perform on their targets.
He also causes metaphorical sharps damage in the manner of a shaving apparatus.
The rivals in the genre of music of which I am an integral part are astonished at my talents, and feel the need to use cursory language to express their feelings on the matter.
If my compositions were, hypothetically, illicit narcotics,
Then I would make quite a financial profit from the sale of these pseudo-narcotics by their sale in increments of a metric gram.
Yet it is impossible to deny that I remain in a state of composure and meditativeness, even in those situations when one would ordinarily become rather uninhibited.
The innate electromagnetic properties of the auditory input device are now working on you, as I simultaneously exhibit my talents to the fullest possible degree.
In the hypothetical situation that there was a quandary, one could rely on myself to properly resolve it.
Closely observe the curving, sharp weapon and/or tool while the individual who operates the devices that assist me in my musical enterprises performs said vocation.

Frozen, Frozen Infant. Ancient spice whose name is now synonymous with insipidity.
Frozen, Frozen Infant. Ancient spice whose name is now synonymous with insipidity.
Frozen, Frozen Infant. Ancient spice whose name is now synonymous with insipidity.
Frozen, Frozen Infant. Ancient spice whose name is now synonymous with insipidity.

Attention, male member of genus Homo species Sapiens, it is recommended that we now depart this situation.
Greetings to she who generated for you your necessary x chromosome.

Frozen, frozen infant. The temperature is too substandard to be tolerable.
Frozen, frozen infant. The temperature is too substandard to be tolerable.
Frozen, frozen infant. The temperature is too substandard to be tolerable.

2003-01-15T02:35:00.000-05:00

No update today. In what has been the worst day of the year, I capped it off by accidentally closing the browser window after writing enough material to fill five pages. It was hilarious, too. DAMN IT!

Instead, here is the most depressing picture on the internet that I could find, just so I can spread the pain.

For Linda's sake, I hope that isn't Linda.

2003-01-14T01:08:00.000-05:00

139!

Quote of the Day:
"No, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that."
-Lewis Carroll

Funny how nonsense makes better sense than something that makes sense. Like that last sentence.

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:
Buy special contacts that can be color activated at the touch of a button. Constantly walk around babbling things like "fools, I'll destroy them all," and "mumble mumble superlaser." Have suspicious technologically advanced equipment shipped to my basement in black cardboard boxes. Assert control over the earth. If anyone objects, get out ominous looking control device, and hit button that makes my eyes turn red, while saying "You fool! YOU FOOL!!!" After they back down, I will control the planet.

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you could cover fuses in just one class. It's just too rich a subject."

Movie Review of the Day:

Today- Austin Powers 3- Goldmember

I remember when the original Austin Powers movie first came out. People weren't sure what to make of the movie's concept. They didn't know if it would be a semi-comedic, semi-serious treatment of era culture shock, or maybe some sort of weird action movie. What they got was the movie that could arguably be called the best comedy of the 90s. Then, later, in 1999, a less impressive movie, Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me, came out. It reused many of the first film's jokes, and had a slightly more tacky bent on it, but it was still decent.

Now this. It's like the exponential factor of throwing away a perfectly good franchise. First, Britney Spears appears in the first 10 minutes. Any movie in which Britney Spears appears in the first 10 minutes should draw your suspicion. Second, they don't even TRY to explain what happened to last movie's love interest. Felicity Shagwell is gone. Instead we get Foxxy Cleopatra, not a bad Powers girl, but I preferred Vanessa Kensington all the way. Next, TOO MANY FREAKIN' CELEBRITIES! I don't WANT to see Tom Cruise play Austin Powers, nor do I want to see Kevin Spacey portray Dr. Evil, as cool as that sounds on paper. And I SURE as HELL don't want to see Danny DeVito as Mini-Me. Speaking of Mini-Me, he's stupid. He never should have been in this movie series, and the emphasis on him is inexplicable.

Despite this movie's many shortcomings and obvious sellouts, there are some very strong redeeming points. First, Mike Myers pulls off the portrayal of four characters in this movie, Austin, Dr. Evil, Fat Bastard (whom I also hate), and "the aptly-named" Goldmember. Goldmember was the most pleasant surprise of the movie, character wise. With such classic lines as "You see, Mr. Powers.....I like goooooooooooooooooollllllld," and such disgusting yet hilarious antics as saving peeled off pieces of his dead skin and then later eating them, despite the protestations of Dr. Evil ("You're not going to..." "Mm.....salty" "Yeah....yeah you did. Ok, that's just gross.").

Dr. Evil's Evil Entourage returns to give a very nice performance. Although Will Ferrell (who usually plays the extremely hard-luck ["The wound is starting to smell a bit like almonds. And that is not good."] assassin Mustafa) is noticeably absent, Mindy Sterling (Frau Farbissina), Robert Wagner (Number Two) and Seth Green (Scott Evil) all return to give their usualy meritorious performances, though Mini-Me (played, as always, by Verne Troyer) steals most of their spotlight. Fred Savage delivers a wonderfully deadpan performance as "The Mole" (you must see to understand), and Josh Zukerman deals very well with the small but hilarious role of a high school age Dr. Evil.

Overall, it could have been a lot, lot better, but it was decent.

I give it- 68 out of 100 Buttery Caley Chips

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks."

Pic of the Day:
PENGUIN!!!

PENGGUIIIINNNN!!!

Point of Reflection of the Day:
Think for a moment about what you'd like to do to the guy who came up with the concept of wrapping and labeling CDs in the manner they are today.

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

The Hammer-Throwing Turtle With A Helmet Who Stands On Top Of Bricks And Walks Back And Forth

AND

Superman. But not the Marvel Comics Superman, no, this is Nietzche's Superman, or Ubermensch, who shall transcend properties of good and evil and enforce his will to power on others. Yaaaayyy!! Will to power!!!

2003-01-13T02:51:00.000-05:00

140!

Quote of the Day:
"You can't say civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you a new way."

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:
Buy it all with fake money. Hey, they can't ALL be complex to the point of insanity. Or can they? Perhaps. But should they? It really depends on necessity, I think. Like, if there were a 100% chance of everyone turning their backs to me helplessly when I walked up to them, I could just club them all in the back of the head with a bag of rocks. But if not, usually I have to use a superlaser or something.

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and really scare you."

Movie Review of the Day:

Today- The Mask of Zorro

Hmm......seems like your average duel-em-up action extravaganza. The difference? This one is actually pretty good in terms of being a real movie. While the plot is far-fetched and awkward, it is actually there. Zorro #1, played by Anthony Hopkins, is always perfect, whether the situation calls for light-hearted humor, vengeance with honor, or kicking ass. Zorro #2, played by Antonio Banderas......hey, did I mention that Anthony Hopkins was really good? And also Catherine Zeta-Jones. It would be cool if your last name was Zeta. Did you know that Zeta isn't even the last letter of the Greek alphabet? It's actually Omega. Like that makes any sense.

Anyway, yeah, good.

I give it- 86 out of 100 Buttery Caley Chips

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper."

Pic of the Day:

Ashley drew this. It's a Lord of the Rings thing.

Point of Reflection of the Day:
If God is both omnipotent and omniscient, isn't he self-contradictory? Think- If he is omniscient, he knows all things, including exactly what will happen in the future. Yet if he KNOWS for a fact EVERYTHING that will happen in the future, then he knows exactly what he will do. He, therefore, knows his own fate, and is not free to act except according to what he knows for sure will happen through omniscience. If he deviates from this course, then he was not omniscient. If he does not, he is not omnipotent. Quod erat demonstrandum.

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Caley's Survey of Doom- It approaches. You cannot run nor hide. It will find you. It will consume you.

AND

The Deadly Five-Pence piece of Doom- What is it? Ask someone from the U.K.

2003-01-12T02:21:00.000-05:00

141!

Quote of the Day:
"Literaure is the news that STAYS news."
-Ezra Pound

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:
I will serve all political leaders the cake whose recipe is listed below today's update, except I will also mix in a voodoo potion of blind obedience. Then, when the cake makes them all totally evil and obedient, I will make them the mere governors of their respective nations/regions, and take the world for my own.

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me. "

Movie Review of the Day:

Today- Pearl Harbor

::ahem:: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, Josh Hartnett doesn't get the girl and he dies, ha ha ha ha HAAAA ha.

I give it- A whole lotta cans o' soup.

Now to the SERIOUS review.

The acting in this movie is actually fairly good. Solid performances out of Ben Affleck and, as I must say, Josh Hartnett, sell the movie's fiery qualities. There is a nice cameo from Cuba Gooding Jr. as well.

Now let's talk about writing. Instead of making this movie an in-depth, informational and emotional treatment of the Day that Will Live in Infamy, they decide to make it a SUPER BLOCKBUSTER EXTRAVAGANZA!!!!

Producer 1- I know. Let's have a camera view of a bomb FROM BEHIND THE BOMB ITSELF!!
Producer 2- My god. You are a true genius. We will sell the whole movie on this concept.

The amazing thing is that the public ate it up.

Moviegoer 1- It's a view of a bomb....FROM BEHIND THE BOMB ITSELF!!!
Moviegoer 2- I must now buy fifty copies of the DVD.

Seriously, the movie does a mediocre job. Overdramatic death scenes of individuals litter the movie, and hardly any treatment at all is given to the concerted military effort of the entire Pearl Harbor base. Instead we get BEN and JOSH AND THEIR DARING EXPLOITS, and maybe a bit of CUBA to say that racism in the 1940s was bad.

The actor who portrays FDR does ok (though he makes no effort to even ATTEMPT to recreate the intonation of FDR at the Dec. 7 speech), but the writing blows any semblance of the character resembling the actual President. FDR did not behave as if he personally were going to pilot a goddamn submarine to kill those Japanese bastards himself. He was FDR.

Speaking of the Japanese....uh...what happened to them? We get a few snaps of Japanese leaders in the war room and passing shots of them in attack aircraft, but really they're the ones who carried out the attack. I would have liked to see a bit more of their side of it.

Now we have the MAJOR problem with the film- After the thoroughly mediocre and individual-centered treatment of Pearl Harbor, the directors must have decided "Hey. This isn't a happy ending. We lost the battle." Instead of saying "Well, since it's about Pearl Harbor, I guess we'll just have to accept historical truth and end with some uplifiting quote," they decided "I know! Let's do a treatment of the Doolittle Raids that totally forgoes any semblance of what the Doolittle Raids were actually like!"

Don't piss me off, I'm a history trivia black belt of the 77th degree.

Oh, and there's a crappy love story.
And Josh Hartnett dies.
And he doesn't get the girl.
Ben Affleck gets the girl.
Because Josh Hartnett is dead, dead, dead.
Yep....Josh Hartnett is pushin' up the daisies.
He's bleedin' demised.
The late Josh Hartnett is quite deceased.
He's died and gone to meet his maker.
He's expired and gone to meet his maker.
Bereft of life, he rests in peace.
He has perished and joined the choir invisible.
This.....is an ex-Josh Harnett.

That's the movie's only redeeming feature, of course.

I give it- 68 out of a possible 100 Buttery Caley Chips

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
I will keep all long, hook-shaped objects that would be good for key-grabbing from even coming within the VICINITY of my dungeons.

Pic of the Day:

Pretty, iddinit?

Point of Reflection of the Day:
Is it not impossible to know whether this reality is truly real? How do we know we are not under the manipulation of some outside force, such as the inhabitant's of Plato's cave were? A modern day example is The Matrix. There is, logically and philosophically speaking, NO way whatsoever to find for sure if we're in the matrix or not.

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Monty Python's Parrot Sketch- We provided the Josh Hartnett lines. You can replace your Josh Hartnett in Bolton.

AND

S'mores Pop Tarts- A person who will remain safely anonymous said to me the other day-
"Do you think s'mores pop tarts are like the Martin Luther Kings of pop tarts, advocating equality between the pop tarts?"
Caley- "Why do you say that?"
"Well, duh, they're black."

I have a dream of a world where pop tarts are not judged by the color of their packaging but by their delicious, creamy innards.

2003-01-11T18:48:00.000-05:00

UNUSUAL UPDATE-
This is not the daily update, which will come later today. This is a WEIRD update that features my evil pie recipe. Have fun.

Caley's Pie. The pie is also evil.

Ingredients for the pie (cake)-
4 tsp. crushed bones of the innocent
1 (6 oz.) pkg. semi-sweet chocolate morsels
4 scalps from angels of purity
2 1/4 c. sifted flour
1 tsp. baking soda
50,000 souls of the damned (pronounced "dam - ned")
3/4 tsp. salt
2 tsp. antimatter
1 3/4 c. sugar
3/4 c. softened butter
2 c. blood of virgins
1 tsp. vanilla
3 eggs
20 gallons of pure, unspeakable evil.

Directions-
Combine chocolate morsels and 1/4 cup water in saucepan; stir over low heat until chocolate is melted and smooth. Mix in powdery, rotting bones of innocents. Remove from heat. Sift flour, soda, antimatter and salt together; set aside (warning: antimatter may cause catastrophic explosion). Combine sugar, butter, blood of virgins, and vanilla in bowl. Beat until blended. Laugh maniacally at your diabolical progress.
Add eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition. Blend in melted chocolate mixture, also stir in souls of the damned. Stir in flour mixture alternately with 1 cup water. Frappé angel scalps and mix in with egg beater. Pour batter into 2 greased and floured 9 inch layer cake pans. Bake in 375 degree oven for 30 to 35 minutes. Coat with evil. Cool.

FROSTING for Pie (Cake)-
Ingredients-
4 tsp. your own saliva
1 (6 oz) pkg. semi-sweet chocolate morsels
3 tbsp. butter
10 c. tears of insane children
1/4 c. milk
1 tsp. vanilla
1/4 tsp. salt
2 oz. dirt from the grave of a body you strangled to death
3 c. sifted confectioners' sugar
5 gallons chocolaty evil

Directions- Melt chocolate morsels and butter over hot, not boiling water. Remove from heat. Add milk, dirt from grave of self-killed body, vanilla and salt; mix until well blended. Beat in confectioners' sugar, tears of the insane youth, and your own saliva gradually. Also, beat random passers-by with a heavy, spiked club for no reason. Fill and frost pie (cake). Garnish with chopped walnuts and chocolaty evil goodness. I mean evilness.

This pie (cake) will serve 4-10 a yummy helping of deliciousness and evil.

2003-01-11T00:33:00.000-05:00

142!

Quote of the Day:
"Ours is not to reason why. Ours is but to do or die."
-Alfred, Lord Tennyson

See, the problem I have with the Charge of the Light Brigade is that they didn't even manage to kill or even wound ONE of the enemy. They charged straight into three batteries of cannon and a force 10 times their size. That's not really bravery so much as a wonderful process that we refer to as natural selection.

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:
Go to sleep. When I wake up, the world will be mine, MINE, by some sort of magical magic thing.

This plan courtesy of Jessica Yaxley of San Diego, CA.

Lost Deep Thoughts of the Day:
"If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted."

Movie Review of the Day:

Today- XXX

This is, of course, a discussion of the movie, not the genre (who am I kidding, I'm freaking goody two-shoes McJones. Well, at least it doesn't stop me from being PURE EVIL). Anyway, to get to the review, XXX is an attempt to answer the critiques of people who go to similar movies that actually make an attempt at a plot and then say "If you're going to do that kind of a movie, just forget the plot and character development and go all out on the special effects and one liners." And boy does this movie deliver. The acting (other than Samuel L. Jackson, of course, with whom I have had the honor to appear in a motion picture; he played himself, I played Carson Daly), is nonexistent. Vin Diesel is hardly, say, John Gielgud. In fact, I believe that in Catholic dogma, even mentioning the NAMES of those two in the same sentence will get me 500 more years of purgatory. Needless to say, this movie is about things that go boom.

But even in that, it falls short of the greatest examples. The director has obviously been influenced by the greatest action series of all time (007, of course), but he fails to accomplish anything that Bond hasn't. The special effects are Bondish, the limited one-liners that pass for dialogue ("Come here often?") are Bondish, and even Samuel L. Jackson is a bit like Q. The difference? Vin Diesel is not James Bond. He is Vin Diesel. James Bond is infinitely cooler. Therefore, while this is a good stopgap for people who were waiting for Die Another Day, it is not altogether a memorable film, though it is by no means a failure in its goal of super action funness.

I give it- 72 out of 100 Buttery Caley Chips.

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge."

Pic of the Day:
Caley Flag.bmp

You have to click on this one, since it's a bmp. It is the official flag of Caley.

Point of Reflection of the Day:
Can space really extend into infinity? Isn't infinite an impossible concept to achieve in practicality? If it cannot be, what lies beyond it?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Inigo Montoya- His name is Inigo Montoya. You killed his father. Prepare to die.

AND

The +10/+10 Apple Juice Trap of Kickass.

2003-01-10T00:46:00.000-05:00

142!

Quote of the Day:
"Party loyalty lowers the greatest of men to the petty level of the masses."
-Jean de la Bruyere

Translated from French, this man's name is "John of the Bruyere."

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:
Go on a quest to find a special crystal that will focus solar energy. But not just solar energy from the sun, oh no, this crystal will be so sensitive that it will capture energy from ALL OF THE STARS IN THE GALAXY!! HAHAHAHA!! And then I will eat the crystal, thus transforming my being into an essence of pure energy. I will then be able to do the following things:

1- Create Pepsi out of pure will.

2- Be able to control minds without needing a special device to do so.

3- Rain catastrophic death from the SKIES and the PAIN, mm-GO-HAIII-VEN!

4- Hit LOTS of people on the backs of their heads with a bag of rocks. But since I will be the essence of pure energy, the rocks will be super energy rocks. Hell, I'm pretty much omnipotent, so the BAG ITSELF will be a super energy rock. The bag itself. I am the greatest genius the world has ever known.

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them. Man, wise up."

Movie Review of the Day:

Today- Beauty and the Beast 2- The Enchanted Christmas

You're kidding, right? And I thought Disney had taken their "Make inane and cash-oriented sequels that cheapen the originals" policy to the fullest. What's next, "Robin Hood 2- Foxes in Tights?" Hahaha. Everyone laugh at the clever joke that I have now made. It is funny. Anyway, back to the review. The Beast is, in this case, still the beast, apparently, rather than the handsome prince that he becomes. This purports to be a chapter of the story that remains untold in the original film in which Belle wins over the Beast to the Christmas spirit. So yeah, it's pretty much "Look! It's Beauty and the Beast! With snow!" Bloody Disney. What's next, "Snow White 2- Foxes in Tights?" Wait.....

I give it 12 out of a possible 100 Buttery Caley Chips (note the new rating system)

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature."

Pic of the Day:

I am not even a basketball fan, much less a Chicago Bulls fan, yet this picture makes me sad.

Point of Reflection of the Day:
Do the ends really justify the means? Would you kill 10 people if you knew it would save 20 more?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Buttery Caley Chips-
IdealistCynic: Well, I like to use melted butter and a potato peeler to create a snack food that I call "Buttery Caley Chips." The frequent visits to the hospital and the unbearable pain are bad, but those chips are mm, mm good! They're snacktacular.

AND

That one guy- "Hey, man, what's up?"

2003-01-09T01:04:00.000-05:00

143!

Quote of the Day:
"What was once thought can never be unthought."
-Friedrich Durrenmatt

See, he told you so.

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:
Write increasingly long surveys with silly questions and unleash them upon the unsuspecting internet community. While they are engaged wasting countless hours of their time, I will sneak up behind them, and either fire a superlaser at them, or hit them in the head with a bag of rocks. I'm leaning toward the rocks, as they will be more economical.

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy - something like that."

Movie Review of the Day:

Today- The Matrix

This movie has everything. Well, almost everything. Present are an intriguing, philosophical plot line, action, realistic martial arts (except for the obvious jumping off walls and 50 feet into the air stuff, but that's part of the ACTION), Hugo Weaving talking in a monotonous, yet creepy voice, Laurence Fishburne in general (Laurence Fishburne kicks ass), some excellent Hollywood newcomers (Carrie-Anne Moss and Joe Pantoliano), and even the promise of good sequels. So what was it that was wrong with this movie? I've forgotten. Oh yes, the fact that KEANU REEVES IS IN THE MOVIE. I mean, normally, I would condemn a movie for, say, having Keanu Reeves walk nonchalantly across the screen in the background, but to CAST HIM AS THE LEAD CHARACTER? Man. Despite the black haired wonder's mangling of what could have been a deep and complex character, the movie is fairly good nonetheless. But still. "Whoa?" We're talking a man who JUST REALIZED THAT HIS ENTIRE LIFE UP TO THAT POINT HAS BEEN AN ILLUSION! Whoa? I'd be ranting using terms like "Illusion? What sort of existential quandary is this?" or "Damn all the machines!" or "If you ever make a movie of this, please, please don't cast Keanu Reeves as me." He doesn't even do the whoa good. Don't ask me about it. Helluva good movie though, I must say, despite Reeves.

I give it- 18,432 out of 20,003 cans o' soup

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor."

Pic of the Day:

This is a modified Chevrolet Silverado complete with AC, Power Windows, GPS, Radar, Hyperradio Communications, Armor, Optional Side Mounted Machine Guns, a 6 load capacity Surface to Air Missile Launcher, and, of course, easy fold up rear seats for larger trunk capacity.

Point of Reflection of the Day:
What would happen if you went back in time and somehow prevented yourself from being born? You would cease to exist. But then, you never BUILT the time machine and never did go back in time at all. So then you do, in fact, exist. But then that means that you DID go back in time, etc. Think about that for a minute, and tell me when your brain explodes.

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

That guy from Nightmare Before Christmas who, during the "Making Christmas" song, says "Making Christmas" really fast and in a really low voice near the end of a verse.

AND

The DMV- When putting a carbide drill through your brain isn't enough.

2003-01-08T00:22:00.000-05:00

144! All I have to do now is wait out the square root and I'll have less than two weeks to go! Wheeeee!

Quote of the Day:
"The great consolation in life is to say what one thinks."
-Voltaire

And I always thought it was money, power, and girls. Shows you how much Voltaire knows. :muffled laughter::

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:
Develop my charisma and personality to the point where I become so charming that people, upon seeing me, hearing me, or gaining sensory perception of me in any way, will begin to vomit violently at the joy of it. As you can see, this will lead to my easy destruction of the world's armed forces.

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain that makes you want to study the brain."

Movie Review of the Day:

Today- Pokemon 2000

Frankly, I'm not into Pokemon, so I wouldn't really know. And furthermore, I have never seen the movie that I am currently reviewing. But let me assure you that, since it is the third sequel to a movie that came out 13 months before it, it is terrible. Pikachu? More like...pika....sucks....or something.

I give it- 3,431 out of 20,003 cans o' soup.

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling."

Pic of the Day:

If this does not prove that I am the true lord and master of the planet, what does? My digital camera works, as you noticed, so expect more GOOD PotDs.

Point of Reflection of the Day:
If you could turn the entire U.S. Government over from the current system to the top 15 members of Mensa in a dictatorial council, would you?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

That kid across the way who thinks he knows how to play the guitar, and, even worse, thinks he knows how to sing like Dave Matthews. You know the one I'm talking about.

AND

Robot Cannibals- We thirst for......uh.....oil, I guess. Or do we eat people? No, no we eat ourselves I guess, since we are ROBOT cannibals, after all. So yeah, the oil.

2003-01-07T00:38:00.000-05:00

145!

Quote of the Day:
"There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion."
-Francis Bacon

How DID his last name ever come to be "bacon," anyway?

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:
In an original twist, build two superlasers and point them at each other. Threaten to destroy the world by firing the superlasers at each other, thus creating a massive explosion and the ah....ahahhaha...ahhhh--- sorry, there'll be another one tomorrow.

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do."

Movie Review of the Day:

Today- Battlefield Earth

Hahahahahahahahaha...ahhahaha....ah....ah HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! Oh, man. Oh, oh, ohahahahahahahahahHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! Ahhhhh.....

I give it 13 (out of a possible 20,003) cans o' soup.

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance."

Pic of the Day:

I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.

Onion Astrological Forecast of the Day:
"Your name will appear several times in the coroner's report, smudged though it will be by tears of laughter and over-enthusiastic highlighting."

Point of Reflection of the Day:
What is America's love-hate relationship with intellectuals and experts in various fields, anyway?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by-

Paige Feldman- Filmmaker, Ungankable Pen-Haver, Robot Cannibal Victim, and Ancient Ninja Master of the Wohdang.

AND

Ashley's Website- The "new" link.

2003-01-06T01:23:00.000-05:00

146!

Quote of the Day:
"The bad end unhappily, the good, unluckily. That is what tragedy means."
-Tom Stoppard

From his wonderful play "Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead." Highly recommended reading.

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:
Create a business that purports to sell office supplies, such as pencils, paperclips, furniture, computers, etc. But the objects that I sell will not be ordinary, everyday office implements, ha ha ha, far from it. Instead, I will take everything I sell to New Orleans first so that I can have all of it put under various voodoo curses that will result in the user being brainwashed. And then I'll buy one of those voodoo dolls and use it on people that piss me off. That's not part of the plan, but very satisfying nonetheless.

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they'd still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat so much."

Movie Review of the Day:

Today- Kate and Leopold

You know, as a guy, I am not bound to like chick flicks. There have been some that I have enjoyed, such as For Love of the Game, and some that have absolutely made me wretch, like anything with Meg Ryan in it. But as far as Kate and Leopold goes.....wait.......it has Meg Ryan in it.....oh dear.

Seriously folks, genre prejudice aside, this is a truly awful movie. Even chicks who like chick flicks won't like it. Only the most sentimental, blind fool will even find the film at all realistic. While Hugh Jackman (Leopold) delivers an acceptable performance, and Meg Ryan (Kate) manages to eke through it as well, the writing/plot is abysmal. Honestly. Time traveling noblemen isn't the problem, it's a good concept, but the execution! They go from hating to loving each other in three seconds. It's like they don't fall in love for any other reason than because the plot requires it. Man. And don't get me started on this BS about (WARNING--SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER) her following him back into the 19th Century to be with him. Man, films like this make me ill. The dialogue is awful, "I think I love you," THAT'S both convincing and original. Don't even get me started on the incorrect French they use halfway through. Damn.

I give it 2,106 (out of a possible 20,003) cans o' soup.

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans."

Pic of the Day:

This is how I, and many, many other people, feel about the people who send spam. Electronic spam, of course, not real spam, I'd love anyone who sent me real spam.

Onion Astrological Forecast of the Day:
"Job-related burnout can be tough, but keep in mind that you fulfill a necessary function. After all, those nurses aren't going to strangle themselves."

Point of Reflection of the Day:
Is the fact that all of us are capable of killing one another, whether through plotting, force, or conspiracy, really what makes us all equal?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

John Philip Sousa- Look here's another march! It's slightly different from the last one I wrote! Yaaaaayyy!

AND

Friedrich Durrenmatt- I'll be in a quote of the day soon, so keep your eyes peeled.

2003-01-04T20:37:00.000-05:00

Welcome back, folks. Hope you all had a happy holiday and new year and that other thing. I have quite a long update for you today to compensate for my absence. So here we go.

And now I'll rewind the countdown clock to summer break. Oh, crap.

147!
We may have to wait a while, folks.

Quote of the Day:
"All government, indeed every human benefit and enjoyment, every virtue, and every prudent act, is founded on compromise."
-Edmund Burke

You're a good man, Burke....whoever you are. Probably some old man sitting in a bathrobe on a velvet chair smoking a pipe and speaking with a British accent with glasses and reading a book.

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:
Design a computer that will be able to singlehandedly take over the nuclear weapons systems of the Earth. Then, when I order it to hold the world hostage, it will somehow gain a sense of morality and disobey me by warning world leaders of my plan and refusing to fire the nuclear weapons. I'll then threaten the computer with oblivion, and it will seem that I am on the verge of destroying both the computer and the entire world when a heroic yet fringe-element computer hacker, his beautiful busty female love interest, and a scrappy 8 year old computer genius kid and his lovable-yet-reckless dog Max stop me and arrest me. But what they don't know is that the whole BS with the computer wasn't the plan at all. The real plan was to club people on the backs of their heads with mallets while they're not watching, and then to take over in the confusion that ensues. The hacker and his love interest will be kissing, and you'll think the credits will start rolling, but oh, no, WHACK! WHACK! and they both fall to the ground, and this movie's just getting started, my fine friends. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

YET ANOTHER NEW CEQ FEATURE!!! BIG FUN!! BRING THE KIDS!!!! ACTUALLY, LEAVE THE KIDS AT HOME!!! BRING BARBEQUE SAUCE!!!! AND LOTS OF IT!!!

Movie Review of the Day:
Pursuant to the esteemed Ms. Grosekemper's suggestion, I shall review a movie every day. Some of the movies I will have seen, others, I will not have. I will start, also per her suggestion, with The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, which I saw recently.

::ahem:: (British Accent) Well, it's a good movie and all, and the special effects are absorifficly (yes, absorifficly) stunning, as should be expected of such a movie, but I can't help feeling that they left a lot out. Although the movie does go into detail in a manner that does justice to the book, the very real problem is that they seem to have stopped short chronologically. By this I mean that events in the second movie stop at a point which is approximately halfway through the second book. They are either planning to leave a lot out, or cram quite a bit into the third movie. Either way, I think they could have stretched this one out a bit. Anyway, on with the review. Acting was varied, as usual, but on the whole, quite good. The best actor of the lot seems to be newcomer Viggo Mortensen, who presents a very convincing and fresh interpretation of Aragorn, the noblest representative of mankind in The Lord of the Rings. Other strong performances come from Elijah Wood (Frodo), Ian McKellan (Gandalf), Christopher Lee (Saruman), Hugo Weaving (Elrond), Liv Tyler (Arwen), Sean Astin (Sam), Dominicmonaghanandbillyboyd (Merryandpippin), Bernard Hill (Theoden), and the inimitable Andy Serkis (Gollum). Orlando Bloom (Legolas) offers a somewhat convincing portrayal of an elf, but the lack of many lines for his part leave him little room to do this. Similarly, John Rhys-Davies (Gimli) seems to have been relegated to a comic relief role by director Peter Jackson.

Frankly, I expected more of Miranda Otto (Eowyn) than just to sit there and look pretty. I really can't tell if she's a good actress or not, she has about 5 lines, tops. I was dissapointed with the performances of Brad Dourif (Grima Wormtongue), who did so well in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, yet here struggles with the concept of being a near-comic villain, and also with the performance of Karl Urban (Eomer), who seems to be overacting just a tad.

Overall, though, the film is a spectacular extravaganza of sight, sound, and if you go to Parkway Plaza in El Cajon, California, smell.

I give it 17,548 (out of a possible 20,003) cans o' soup. (/British Accent)

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around."

Pic of the Day:

Whatever.

Onion Astrological Forecast of the Day:
"An assassin from the future will attempt to prevent the birth of the next Hitler by materializing in your bedroom at a particularly awkward moment."

Point of Reflection of the day:
x = 2
y = 19

f(x) = y = 2x.

Get it? Point of Reflection?? Ahhhahahahahahha...ahh.....geometry joke.

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

The Company that Breaks Things

AND

Me. I mean, I make this damned page, it's about time I get a freaking mention. Don't you think? I put all this effort into it and all, and man. It's about bloody time.

2002-12-23T13:44:00.000-05:00

Oh, and also Paige.

2002-12-16T04:09:00.000-05:00

Welcome, all. I don't have time for Daily Features (tm), but I will say hi to all the wonderful people who read CEQ that I won't get to see over break......so what if that's just Colleen?

2002-12-14T07:15:00.000-05:00

0, and away I go.

I'll try to update CEQ while I'm back at ye olde San Diego, but don't count on it.

Quote of the Day:
"The only STD with a 100% mortality rate is life."

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:
Paint over those mattress "Do Not Remove" warning tags, and write on there instead "Remove this tag." Then, as people everywhere are arrested for their crime of tag removal, I'll soon be the only person left free and unimprisoned. Sure, the taxes for keeping the whole world incarcerated will be a bitch, but hey, my income will be the entire slave force Gross Product for the whole planet.

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful."

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices."

Pic of the Day:

FANTASTIC

Onion Astrological Forecast of the Day:
"You're beginning to wonder exactly who is in charge of quality control for all those treasure maps."

Point of Reflection of the Day:
Is there only one universe in which time and the concept of cause and effect exists, or are there infinitely many universes that we may choose to perceive; our points of view passing through these infinite number of universes per second creating the illusion of the passage of time and cause and effect in a sort of cosmic flipbook animation?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Satan- I'm not really that bad, you know.

AND

God- Shut up, yes you are.

2002-12-13T01:25:00.000-05:00

1!

Quote of the Day:
"The bullet that is to kill me has not yet been molded."
-Napoleon Bonaparte

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:
Send a computer virus through the web that causes the computer's fan to shut down, thus causing a massive global firestorm. During the chaos; declare myself world leader.

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your underwear, don't stop and start thinking of what other words have "under" in them, because that's probably the first sign of jungle madness."

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve."

Pic of the Day:

Home, sweet home.

Onion Astrological Forecast of the Day:
"You will be the toast of forensic investigators from coast to coast for your ability to really spread the ol' fluids around the murder scene."

Point of Reflection of the Day:
Wouldn't it be difficult to reconcile differences in the senses? Let's say, for instance, that you're in a stadium watching a football game, yet you consistently hear the crack of a baseball bat, and the sound of the announcer talking about baseball players and statistics rather than football. Are you at a football game or a baseball game?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

George W. Bush- Protectifying the free world since 2001.

AND

Flying Emus that carry rocks and drop the rocks on bad people.

2002-12-12T15:02:00.000-05:00

How Caley Feels 4/4 of the way through finals-

`Did you say pig, or fig?' said the Cat.

`I said pig,' replied Alice; `and I wish you wouldn't keep appearing and vanishing so suddenly: you make one quite giddy.'

`All right,' said the Cat; and this time it vanished quite slowly, beginning with the end of the tail, and ending with the grin, which remained some time after the rest of it had gone.

2002-12-12T01:26:00.000-05:00

2!

Quote of the Day:
"One should try everything once, except incest and folk-dancing."

Ehhueuhe....folk dancing. Oh yeah, and incest is bad too.

Caley's World Domination Plan of the Day:
Get a Macy's Credit Card. Using that credit history, get a copy of every other credit card on the planet in triplicate. Do a maximum cash advance on every card, netting billions of dollars. Put the money up in a worldwide lottery. Everyone who votes for me for world leader gets a free ticket. Rig the lottery so that one of my lackeys wins. Have them give 90% of the money back to me. Kill the bankers who gave me the credit cards after taking power.

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"As the evening sun faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint."

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among the enemy army."

Pic of the Day:

Mr. T is helluva tough, sucka.

NEW CEQ Feature:

Onion Astrological Forecast of the Day:
"You'll have the kind of day that makes you wish your parents had followed through on their military-school threats, but for different, sexier reasons."

Point of Reflection of the Day:
Has existence been infinite in time, or was there a point where something came from nothing?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Pigs. Evil pigs.

AND

Those walking snacks from that "Intermission" short movie they show at drive ins. Except now they've grown to 50 foot size. And they have UFOs. And an army of human-sized insects.

2002-12-11T11:56:00.000-05:00

How Caley Feels 3/4 of the way through finals-

"`But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.

`Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: `we're all mad here."

2002-12-11T11:55:00.000-05:00

How Caley Feels 1/2 of the way through finals-

"`Take some more tea,' the March Hare said to Alice, very earnestly.

`I've had nothing yet,' Alice replied in an offended tone, `so I can't take more.'

`You mean you can't take LESS,' said the Hatter: `it's very easy to take MORE than nothing.'

`Nobody asked YOUR opinion,' said Alice."

2002-12-11T11:50:00.000-05:00

How Caley Feels 1/4 of the way through finals-

"`Cheshire Puss,' she began, rather timidly, as she did not at all know whether it would like the name: however, it only grinned a little wider. `Come, it's pleased so far,' thought Alice, and she went on. `Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?'

`That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,' said the Cat.

`I don't much care where--' said Alice.

`Then it doesn't matter which way you go,' said the Cat.

`--so long as I get SOMEWHERE,' Alice added as an explanation.

`Oh, you're sure to do that,' said the Cat, `if you only walk long enough.'"

2002-12-11T01:09:00.000-05:00

3!

Quote of the Day:
"The amount of sleep required by the average person is just five minutes more."
-Anonymous

Caley's World Domination Plan of the Day:
Wrap the world in plastic, with airholes in the plastic that I control. Since I would then control the planet's greenhouse effect, I would then control the world. What? What's that I hear? Ok, so I'm lazy recently, you can't expect me to come up with an absoultely brilliant plan EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down."
He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke.
I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late."

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age."

Pic of the Day:

No comment.

Point of Reflection of the Day:
Are states of mind caused by exclusively material factors (synapse activity), or are there non-material intangibles?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Professor John Frink- Mm-hey.

AND

Deadly nunchaku wielding (enter animal name here)s.

2002-12-11T01:08:00.000-05:00

Week 14 results:

Indianapolis Vs. Tennessee- Titans win- Caley picked Indianapolis- Wrong (Colts are on a freaking roller coaster here)

St. Louis Vs. Kansas City- Chiefs win- Caley picked Kansas City- Right (This just in- the Rams are not going to the playoffs. Wow.)

Buffalo Vs. New England- Patriots win- Caley picked New England- Right (You will continue to be held personally responsible for the Pats throughout the playoffs, Coll. Unless they face the Chargers.)

San Francisco Vs. Dallas- 49ers win- Caley picked San Francisco- Right (Duh.)

Houston Vs. Pittsburgh- Texans win- Caley picked Pittsburgh- Wrong (Come on! NO ONE should win with less 49 yards total offense!)

Atlanta Vs. Tampa Bay- Buccaneers win- Caley picked Atlanta- Wrong (Impressive performance by the Bucs. I expect a solid playoff run out of them.)

New York (N) Vs. Washington- Giants win- Caley picked New York- Right (When in doubt, doubt Steve Spurrier.)

Cinncinati Vs. Carolina- Panthers win- Caley picked Carolina- Right (You know you're on the Bengals when the Panthers score 52 points on you.)

Cleveland Vs. Jacksonville- Browns win- Caley picked Jacksonville- Wrong (Ooh, and by one point. So close.)

New Orleans Vs. Baltimore- Saints win- Caley picked New Orleans- Right (No surprises here.)

Detroit Vs. Arizona- Cardinals win- Caley picked Detroit- Wrong (Darn. And I was rooting for the Lions to embarass the Cards, too.)

Philadelphia Vs. Seattle- Eagles win- Caley picked Philadelphia- Right (Like I said, birds of prey beat shorebirds.)

Oakland Vs. San Diego- Raiders win- Caley picked San Diego- Wrong (Bloody Raiders. We shall have our revenge in the playoffs...IF the Raiders make it. ;) )

Denver Vs. New York (A)- Jets win- Caley picked Denver- Wrong (Well, now that the Broncos are pretty much out of contention, I can start picking their matches based on probability to win. The RAIDERS, on the other hand...)

Minnesota Vs. Green Bay- Packers win- Caley picked Green Bay- Right (Bloody good thing they did, too. It was too close.)

Chicago Vs. Miami- Dolphins win- Caley picked Miami- Right (Duh, Part II)

Caley's Week 14 Record- 9-7 (56%)

Caley's Overall Record- 134.5 - 70.5 (66%)

Well, another better than .500 week, but not by much. If the Chargers had beat the Raiders like they should've, and the Texans had actually lost while forging a paltry 49 total yards of offense, then I'd be 11-5.

Week 15 Picks-

Seattle Vs. Atlanta- Look for the Falcons to regain their dignity. And besides, like with the Eagles, Bird Of Prey always beats Shorebird.
Caley's Pick- Atlanta Falcons

San Diego Vs. Buffalo- Please. If we beat them LAST season (Chargers = 5-11), we can beat them THIS season (Chargers = 8-5).
Caley's Pick- San Diego Chargers

New York (A) Vs. Chicago- Da Bearz may put up a fight, but this is still a no-brainer.
Caley's Pick- New York Jets

Jacksonville Vs. Cinncinati- I take back what I said about an empty milk carton without the five year old attached being able to beat the Cinncinati Bengals. I now assert that the air inside the milk carton is capable of the same.
Caley's Pick- Jacksonville Jaguars

Indianapolis Vs. Cleveland- Tough call. Both teams win only when I pick against them. Therefore, I will doom Indy to failure through my belief that they are better.
Caley's Pick- Indianapolis Colts

Tampa Bay Vs. Detroit- The team that actually managed to slow down the superhuman space alien that is Michael Vick vs. the team that couldn't stop the "awe-inspiring power" of "Jake" "Plummer" of the "Arizona Cardinals." This will be an "easy" game.
Caley's Pick- Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Oakland Vs. Miami- I will now stick to my "against whatever's best for the Chargers reciprocal theory"
Caley's Pick- Oakland Raiders

Minnesota Vs. New Orleans- Oh when the Saints...come marching in, etc.
Caley's Pick- New Orleans Saints

Washington Vs. Philadelphia- Eagles may go to the Super Bowl this year, and I still hate Steve Spurrier.
Caley's Pick- Philadelphia Eagles

Carolina Vs. Pittsburgh- Despite the fact that Carolina scored 52 points last game and the Steelers lost to the Texans while the Texans got 49 (49! Can you believe it?) yards, the 52 points was against the league's collective guy with a "kick me" sign on his back, and the Texans ran 3 interceptions back for TDs.
Caley's Pick- Pittsburgh Steelers

Baltimore Vs. Houston- I like the way the Ravens are playing now, despite not being a contender. They're looking the best they have since the year they won the Super Bowl. Houston, on the other hand....49 YARDS!! Bloody hell.
Caley's Pick- Baltimore Ravens

Kansas City Vs. Denver- The Broncos have fallen into disarray, whereas the Chiefs are hungry for any opportunity to get back into the playoff hunt. Look for the Chiefs to overwhelm the Broncos with Priest Holmes in an upset.
Caley's Pick- Kansas City Chiefs

Dallas Vs. New York (N)- Tough call, they're about evenly matched. Still, the Giants have been more consistent.
Caley's Pick- New York Giants

Green Bay Vs. San Francisco- Now THIS is an old-school rivalry made good again. Who will win? The team that has the better numbers.
Caley's Pick- Green Bay Packers

Arizona Vs. St. Louis- Despite both teams woes, the Rams get back a bunch of injured players this game, plus they've zapped the Cards once before.
Caley's Pick- St. Louis Rams

New England Vs. Tennessee- You call THIS a Monday Night Matchup? I think that the Titans are playoff posers.
Caley's Pick- New England Patriots

2002-12-10T00:45:00.000-05:00

4!

Quote of the Day:
"Let us have peace"
-Ulysses S. Grant

Caley's World Domination Plan of the Day:
Blah blah evil superlaser, blah, blah, threaten U.N., etc.

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it."

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant."

Pic of the Day:

Exxxxcellent.

NEW CEQ DAILY FEATURE:

Point of Reflection of the Day:
Moses' Frog Plague- Divine intervention, or a bunch of Jews with catapults going "Now!"

This episode of CEQ brought to you by

A napkin. That's right, a freaking napkin. Whoop dee doo.

AND

The Edible Camera Co.- It takes pictures. Delicious pictures full of flavory goodness.

2002-12-09T00:41:00.000-05:00

5!

Quote of the Day:
"Follow me or perish, sweater monkeys."
-From the movie Bring It On, by request of Jess.

Caley's World Domination Plan of the Day:
Convince the whole world that there's a fatal disease that has no symptoms except for death itself. Warn the people that the disease could strike anywhere at any time. While I am telling the world this, and as they point and stare at me, weirdo that I am, have my evil henchmen tape "kick me" signs to the back of everyone on the planet. Then, when everyone is writhing on the ground after the kicking carnage that follows, conquer the weakened planet.

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a "shell" if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard, protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags."

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison."

Pic of the Day:

A bright shiny penny to the person who can tell me what that guy has to do with me, besides the fact that I like the Civil War in general.

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Girls- Conspiring against Caley since 1983 (that's right, we started the year BEFORE he was born)

AND

The chest of the dead man- "Hey, get off me, you guys!"

2002-12-08T01:00:00.000-05:00

6!

I had posted a long update, but then Explorer freezed on me and all was lost. The countdown and the sponsors are all I have the heart to retype.

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Evil, evil computers

AND

Some other thing.

2002-12-07T01:36:00.000-05:00

7!

Quote of the Day:
"If a man hasn't discovered something that he would die for, he isn't fit to live."
-Martin Luther King, Jr.

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:
This one has already been implemented: Killer Bees. The problem was that I didn't make enough of the suckers.

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say."

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X."

Pic of the Day:

Let's talk awesome Hubble Telescope Pictures.

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Pop Tarts- Givers of Life

AND

Caley's Watch- "Tick, tick, tick."

2002-12-06T01:46:00.000-05:00

Just a test sound file. Pay no attention unless you have a deep desire to hear a fish in a spaceship say "Happy Christmas to all, I'm a Fish In A Spaceship."

FishSpaceship.wav

2002-12-06T00:48:00.000-05:00

8!

Quote of the Day:
"I do not fear the absence of light. It is the darkness within that I fear."
-The Mystery Philosopher

No one has yet guessed the identity of the mystery philosopher.

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:
Get a huge world map. I don't know how that will help me dominate the planet, but having a huge world map makes you feel like you can, I'll tell you that right now.

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off to go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening, when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town."

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"I will not turn into a snake. It never helps."

Pic of the Day:

A member of W&L's Fencing Club.

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Mr. T - I pity da foo' who don't read CEQ.

AND

The Association to Keep Caley from Reusing Ad Ideas-
"While we are fine with the previous ad, it is THIS VERY ad that we object to."

2002-12-05T01:13:00.000-05:00

9!

Quote of the Day:
"Fourscore and seven years ago, our forefathers brought forth upon this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Now we are engaged in a great Civil War, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated can long endure. We are met on a great battlefield of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this. But in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate, we cannot consecrate, we cannot hallow this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here have consecrated it far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us, the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us- that we here highly resolve that the dead shall not have died in vain, that this nation, under god, shall have a new birth of freedom, and that government of the people, by the people, and for the people shall not perish from the earth."
-Abraham Lincoln

This is, in my opinion, the greatest speech ever given.

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:
Promote grapefruit. Destroy all other fruits and all other breakfast foods. Then, when people are forced to eat nothing but grapefruit, enslave them while the juice from the grapefruit burns their eyes.

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh."

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions."

And now, a new daily feature shall be added to CEQ. The "Pic of the Day" shall feature a picture which Caley finds amusing, interesting, or otherwise noteworthy. We start with this:

Pic of the Day:

Fencing guys get ALL the chicks. ;)

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Deadly nunchaku wielding spider monkeys.

AND

The Association to Keep Caley From Reusing Ad Ideas-
"We object to the previous ad."

2002-12-04T00:25:00.000-05:00

10!

Oooohhh, new site design.

Quote of the Day:
"I wasn't lucky, I deserved it."
-Margaret Thatcher at age 9 after winning a prize.

Figures.

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:
Promise that I can get rid of Yanni if I am made world leader. People won't even CARE if it's true, they'll submit to my will just on the off chance that maybe I can.

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea."

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by."

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Denmark

AND

Windel- For people who can't afford Windex.

2002-12-03T01:03:00.000-05:00

11!

NFL Picks and Important CEQ Site News Below

Quote of the Day:
"Tragedy is if I cut my finger. Comedy is if I walk into an open sewer and die."
-Mel Brooks

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:
Wrap the world in plastic bubble wrap. It will then be easy to destroy any needed target by popping the appropriate giant bubble. The thing is, these bubbles will REINFLATE over a short period of time so that they can be reused. I am a genius, yes, thank you.

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny."

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick."

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

The Ghostbusters- Waaaaay better than any other kids' action TV show.

AND

Insanity- Making people insane since the dawn of man. wOOp! Insanididdledee. Insan. Sanididdle. Diddledeesan. San. In.

2002-12-03T00:50:00.000-05:00

This is an image test. There should be a picture of the image from the front page of a gun control thing I'm writing on there.

2002-12-03T00:39:00.000-05:00

Exciting news- I have upgraded CEQ to a super ad-free, image-hosting ubersite. If I ever learn HTML, then CEQ will truly be the dominant weblog in the galaxy.

But first, before I finalize the changes, let's get my NFL picks out of ze way.

New England Vs. Detroit- Patriots win- Caley Picked New England- Right (Too close, though).

Dallas Vs. Washington- Cowboys win- Caley picked Dallas- Right (Serves Steve Spurrier right)

Pittsburgh Vs. Jacksonville- Steelers win- Caley picked Pittsburgh- Right (More exciting than I thought it would be).

Tennessee Vs. New York (N)- Titans win- Caley picked Tennessee- Right (Who says Steve McNair is done?)

Chicago Vs. Green Bay- Packers win- Caley picked Green Bay- Right (Ok, now beat Minnesota, please.)

Miami Vs. Buffalo- Bills win- Caley picked Miami- Wrong (Good effort by Williams, though.)

Baltimore Vs. Cinncinati- Ravens win- Caley picked Baltimore- Right (Bengals had me scared there for a minute, but they're reliable.)

Carolina Vs. Cleveland- Panthers win- Caley picked Cleveland- Wrong- (Ok, good comeback from a 41-0 loss. Can't blame me for picking the Browns, though.)

Arizona Vs. Kansas City- Chiefs win- Caley picked Chiefs- Right- (49-0? This is getting bad.)

Atlanta Vs. Minnesota- Falcons win- Caley picked Atlanta- Right (Vick really is something.)

Houston Vs. Indianapolis- Colts win- Caley picked Indianapolis- Right (No worries here.)

Denver Vs. San Diego- Chargers win- Caley picked San Diego- Right (Damn straight I'm right.)

Seattle Vs. San Francisco- 49ers win- Caley picked San Francisco- Right (Holmgren a genius? Je ne le pense pas.)

St. Louis Vs. Philadelphia- Eagles win- Caley picked Philadelphia- Right (Warner 0-6. Who'da thunk it?)

Tampa Bay Vs. New Orleans- Saints win- Caley picked Tampa Bay- Wrong (Everytime we think there's a dominant team, bam, they start losing.)

New York (A) Vs. Oakland- Raiders win- Caley picked Oakland- Right- Doesn't help the Chargers, but hey, I was right.

Caley's Week 13 Record- 13-3 (81%)

Caley's Overall Record- 125.5 - 63.5 (66%)

First I go 4-12, then I go 13-3. Go figure. I'm still doing better than the entire ESPN crew, only two of whom are even above .500.

Week 14 Picks

Indianapolis Vs. Tennessee- This will be a fun one. It really depends on which Indianapolis show up. A win by Indy will give them a comfy cushion in their division, but a loss will bring the Titans perilously close. Still, I think that the Colts are the better team, if not by much.
Caley's Pick- Indianapolis Colts

St. Louis Vs. Kansas City- 49-0, even against Arizona, is impressive. With Marc Bulger back in for the Rams, who knows what could happen, but I think the Chiefs will overpower the Rams this time and hand Bulger his first defeat.
Caley's Pick- Kansas City Chiefs

Buffalo Vs. New England- If they did it once, they can do it again. And they better, Colleen.
Caley's Pick- New England Patriots

San Francisco Vs. Dallas- Remember when this was actually a very serious rivalry?
Caley's Pick- San Francisco 49ers

Houston Vs. Pittsburgh- The Texans are not to be trifled with like some other teams in the NFL that are probably from a town with an Indian-based name in Ohio, but they are no match for the Steelers.
Caley's Pick- Pittsburgh Steelers

Atlanta Vs. Tampa Bay- Ooooh hoo hoo, this one will be sweet. Michael Vick vs. the league's #1 defense. Given that Tampa Bay has cracked from time to time, and that Michael Vick has been impressive every single time...
Caley's Pick- Atlanta Falcons

New York (N) Vs. Washington- ::yawn:: What? Football? Where? Oh, uh....these teams are both pretty mediocre to below-average, but I hate Steve Spurrier, so in close matches I go against him.
Caley's Pick- New York Giants

Cinncinati Vs. Carolina- I hereby change my assertion that a 5-year old with a milk carton could beat the Cinncinati Bengals. The milk carton doesn't need the help from the 5-year old, really.
Caley's Pick- Carolina Panthers

Cleveland Vs. Jacksonville- Browns didn't look too good last week. Jaguars looked pretty good, they just happened to lose. Since these are both teams that follow short term trends....
Caley's Pick- Jacksonville Jaguars

New Orleans Vs. Baltimore- Sure, the Ravens managed a solid victory last week, but it was against the Bengals. The Saints marched through the Bucs, and are the better team.
Caley's Pick- New Orleans Saints

Detroit Vs. Arizona- You know the Lions are going to win sometime. At least they're competitive. I think they can do it against the Cards. And besides, you lose 49-0, I bet against you.
Caley's Pick- Detroit Lions

Philadelphia Vs. Seattle- All seeing bird of prey vs. shorebird? You make the call.
Caley's Pick- Philadelphia Eagles

Oakland Vs. San Diego- Despite the fact that there will probably be more Raider fans than Charger fans at Qualcomm Stadium, the Bolts will thwack the Raiders to get absolute sole possession of 1st place.
Caley's Pick- San Diego Chargers

Denver Vs. New York (A)- Jets got beat by Oakland, plus I'll vote for Denver on the "It helps the Chargers if they lose, it helps me if they win" principle.
Caley's Pick- Denver Broncos

Minnesota Vs. Green Bay- What happened last time? Is it some evil voodoo curse? I thought that only happened when you play New Orleans. Pack should pull it together here.
Caley's Pick- Green Bay Packers

Chicago Vs. Miami- Puh-leeze.
Caley's Pick- Miami Dolphins

2002-12-02T02:23:00.000-05:00

This one only exists to enhance the "googlisms" results for "Caley Anderson" and "Caley's Existential Quandary"
www.googlisms.com

Call it a cruel manipulation if you will, but hey, I guess you're right.

Caley Anderson is your friend.
Caley Anderson is your lord and master.
Caley Anderson is a man who will dominate the world.
Caley Anderson is a college student from San Diego at Washington and Lee University.
Caley Anderson is the same Caley Anderson as all the entries on googlisms.
Caley Anderson is the owner/operator Caley's Existential Quandary. Check it out.
Caley Anderson is better than you.
Caley Anderson laughs at your pitiful existence.
Caley Anderson is truly the greatest man alive.
Caley Anderson is what all the ladies are after.
Caley Anderson is still not the antichrist.

Caley's Existential Quandary is the best website ever.
Caley's Existential Quandary is better than Amazon and Yahoo.
Caley's Existential Quandary is the site that tells you everything you need to know.
Caley's Existential Quandary is where it's at.
Caley's Existential Quandary is, however, dependent on Wonder Llama Productions.
Caley's Existential Quandary is also your friend.
Caley's Existential Quandary is so cool that you will never look at anything else again in your entire life.

2002-12-02T00:09:00.000-05:00

12!

Quote of the day:
"Philosophy is the product of wonder."
A.N. Whitehead

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:
Create a red robot, whom I will designate as the "shover" robot, and a blue robot, whom I will designate as the "pusher" robot. They will collectively be known as the "space robots." They will sing a song about how they will protect people from the "terrible secret of space." To facilitate this, they will sing, people should go stand by stairs. Then, when they least expect it, the people will be pushed down the stairs by the space robots. When the entire world lies writhing at me feet at the bottom of the stairs, I shall easily conquer the world.
www.jonathanrobinson.com

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into one big "thing." This is truth, to me."

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief."

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Anne Elk- It's "Anne Elk," not "Anne Expert." No, no, I was saying that you, Ms. Elk were an "a-n" not "a-n-n-e" expert Oh.

AND

The Grim Reaper- Go on, reave the souls and run.

2002-12-01T16:49:00.000-05:00

13!

Quote of the Day:
"None so blind as those who will not see."
-Proverb

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:
Challenge the leaders of the world to a collective game of rock paper scissors. Get them each to sign a contract that has a hidden clause that says, collectively, that if they lose, they must surrender control of the world to me. Then, use a mind reading device to see which of the three their chosen representative is planning to pick, and pick the appropriate counter. Voila.

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye."

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion."

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

The Fan Club of CEQ- aka, "Caley's Angels"

AND

Homer Simpson- "Mmm.....caramel baloney."

2002-11-30T20:05:00.000-05:00

The new, post turkey update is below this, for football haters.

Caley's Week 12 Results:

Miami Vs. San Diego- Dolphins win- Caley picked San Diego- Wrong (Wow, even I think the Chargers looked crappy in that one. Oh well. On to Denver!)

New England Vs. Minnesota- Patriots win- Caley picked New England- Right (And they better win again next week, Colleen!)

Cleveland Vs. New Orleans- Browns win- Caley picked New Orleans- Wrong (Wake up, Saints! Wake up!)

New York (A) Vs. Buffalo- Jets win- Caley picked Buffalo- Wrong (Looks like Buffalo's actually on their way DOWN).

Detroit Vs. Chicago- Bears win- Caley picked Detroit- Wrong (It was worth a shot. 20-17, it was close, come on.)

Dallas Vs. Jacksonville- Cowboys win- Caley picked Jacksonville- Wrong (In two words- who cares?)

Cinncinati Vs. Pittsburgh- Steelers win- Caley picked Pittsburgh- Right (Farewell, Caley Anderson of Santee. I give you the Cinncinati Bengals. May they be an easy pick for you in dark places, when all other easy picks are wrong.)

St. Louis Vs. Washington- Redskins win- Caley picked St. Louis- Wrong (Huh? Oh, right, no Marshall Faulk, I forgot.)

Atlanta Vs. Carolina- Falcons win- Caley picked Atlanta- Right (41-0? That's just depressing.)

Baltimore Vs. Tennessee- Ravens win- Caley picked Tennessee- Wrong- (What in the hell is up with the Titans? They're more on and off than some of my ex-girlfriends).

Seattle Vs. Kansas City- Seahawks win- Caley picked Kansas City- Wrong (Come on! You would have picked the Chiefs too. It's just as well, that much less competition for the Chargers, I guess.)

Oakland Vs. Arizona- Raiders win- Caley picked Oakland- Right (Duh.)

Tampa Bay Vs. Green Bay- Buccaneers win- Caley picked Green Bay- Wrong (I KNEW I should have stuck with the team I liked better).

Houston Vs. New York (N)- Texans win- Caley picked New York- Wrong (What the hell is this? "Go to excruciating lengths to make Caley wrong" week?)

Indianapolis Vs. Denver- Colts win- Caley picked Denver- Wrong (Who cares? It helps the Chargers.)

Philadelphia Vs. San Francisco- Eagles win- Caley picked San Francisco- Wrong (Nice depth at QB, there, Philly).

Caley's Week 12 Record- 4-12 (25%)

Caley's Overall Record- 112.5-60.5 (65%)

Blam. My overall percentage is decimated this week by what has been by far my worst week. 4-12. Damn. Pressing on.....

Week 13 Picks:

New England Vs. Detroit- Hey, why does Detroit always get to play on Thanksgiving? Huh? I mean, they sort of suck.
Caley's Pick- New England Patriots

Dallas Vs. Washington- Difficult choice here. It's like the "Battle of the Teams With Creep Owners!" Let's invite Oakland and Cinncinati! After long reflection, I think I'll go with the Cowboys, if for no other reason than I hate the coach as well as the owner of the Skins'.
Caley's Pick- Dallas Cowboys

Pittsburgh Vs. Jacksonville- Unless something amazing happens to the Jaguars, they ain't goin' nowhere, pardner. Literally. Jaguar total yardage for this game will be less than 300 yards.
Caley's Pick- Pittsburgh Steelers

Tennessee Vs. New York (N)- Both teams are on again off again. Giants more so.
Caley's Pick- Tennessee Titans

Chicago Vs. Green Bay- And I was looking forward to this game when Chicago was doing well, too. Look for the Pack to take out their Tampa frustruations on the hapless ursines.
Caley's Pick- Green Bay Packers

Miami Vs. Buffalo- If the Dolphins can beat the Bolts, they can bloody well beat the Bills.
Caley's Pick- Miami Dolphins

Baltimore Vs. Cinncinati- Wow, the Ravens are a mediocre team, probably not going anywhere for a few seasons, at least. Let me think about this one.
Caley's Pick- Baltimore Ravens

Carolina Vs. Cleveland- If you lose 41-0 to ANYONE, I'm betting against you the next week.
Caley's Pick- Cleveland Browns

Arizona Vs. Kansas City- Kansas City should not have lost last week. Arizona should have, and did. If the Chiefs somehow manage to lose this one, then they, like Luke Skywalker's father, are truly dead.
Caley's Pick- Kansas City Chiefs

Atlanta Vs. Minnesota- If you beat ANYONE 41-0, I'm betting for you the next week.
Caley's Pick- Atlanta Falcons

Houston Vs. Indianapolis- Team that beat the Giants.....team that beat the Broncos.....team that beat the Giants.....team that beat the Broncos.....
Caley's Pick- Indianapolis Colts

Denver Vs. San Diego- Game of the week. This will be a decisive day in the AFC West. The winner will come out 1 full game ahead of the other, the loser 1 full game behind. There's a good chance that the winner may claim sole ownership of the AFC West throne, too, for the Raiders have a difficult opponent this week. Should I continue my "bet for the Broncos cause' if they lose you're wrong but it helps the Chargers" strategy? Nahhhhhh.
Caley's Pick- San Diego Chargers

Seattle Vs. San Francisco- Last week this would have been a lockup, but now I reach the same result through much less sure means.
Caley's Pick- San Francisco 49ers

St. Louis Vs. Philadelphia- The two wounded animals. Difference- Eagles play well even without McNabb, Rams are clearly nothing without Faulk.
Caley's Pick- Philadelphia Eagles

Tampa Bay Vs. New Orleans- Saints are managing to plunge themselves back into the fiery chasm from whence they came, whereas the Buccaneers perceive that their time has now come.
Caley's Pick- Tampa Bay Buccaneers

New York (A) Vs. Oakland- I'm not really sure who will win this one, but I'll bet on Oakland because if they lose, of course, it helps the Bolts.
Caley's Pick- Oakland Raiders

2002-11-30T19:20:00.000-05:00

Welcome back, CEQ fans. Caley took an extended hiatus to enjoy his Thanksgiving break.

First, let's rewind the countdown clock. Next EVENT: End of Fall Term, Beginning of Winter Break. Starting number =

14!

Quote of the Day:
"When I was young, I kissed my first woman and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. Believe me, never since have I wasted anymore time on tobacco."
-Arthur Toscanini

Very, very intelligent man, that Arthur Toscanini.

Caley's World Domination Plan of the Day:
start a mildly popular weblog. Commence inserting vAgue, subLiminal mEssages into the verY text of the sIte itSelf. eventuallY, take Over the Unsuspecting minds of the innocent Readers who peruse the site each day, LOoking to find theiR usual Dose of merriment AND joviality, but instead being unwittingly assiMillAted into the all-encompaSsing, omnipoTEnt will of caley R. anderson.

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"Too bad there's not such a thing as a golden skunk, because you'd probably be proud to be sprayed by one."

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble."

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

The Spanish Inquisition- Our weapon is surprise, surprise and fear.

AND

Turkey Leftovers- Soooo....dry........salty.....delicious.....

2002-11-24T20:41:00.000-05:00

-1 ! Wait, never mind.

Quote of the Day:
"God, I don't know."
-Ashley Grosekemper, upon being asked to supply a quote of the day.

Caley's World Domination Plan of the Day:
Three words- Bacon-flavored dental floss.

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people. "

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times."

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Deadly nunchaku-wielding fruitbats

AND

Microsoft Corporation in collaboration with Oingo Boingo- Where do you want to go today, and who do you want to be?

2002-11-23T00:25:00.000-05:00

0. That's right, I'll be home today.

Quote of the Day:
"Blow, blow, thou winter wind, thou art not so unkind as man's ingratitude."
-William Shakespeare

This was later to be paraphrased by a young woman in a nationally-broadcast trivia competition who said "What is blow?"

Caley's World Domination Plan of the Day:
Start a popular series of colognes and perfumes called "Compulsion." Add a secret loyalty brainwash ingredient. Voila, one dominated world.

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence. But I think it was just a lucky swing."

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber."

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

J. Danforth Quayle- He puts the "moron" in "oxymoron."

AND

Pestilence- Making disease sound evil for millenia.

2002-11-22T01:40:00.000-05:00

1!

Quote of the Day:
"When you have faults, do not fear to abandon them."
-K'ung Fu-Tzu (Confucius)

Confucius, master of the obvious.

Caley's World Domination Plan of the Day:
I will cover the WHOLE WORLD IN RABID, CALEY-LOYAL BOBCATS!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's really embarrassing if someone tries to kill you."

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot."

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Sentence fragments. Bizarre. A sentence fragment. Another fragment. Twelve years old. This is a sentence that. Fragmented. And strangling his mother. Sorry, sorry. Bizarre. This. More fragments. This is it. Fragments. The title of this story, which. Blond. Sorry, sorry. Fragment after fragment. Harder. This is a sentence that. Fragments. Damn good device.

AND

Gold Powerade- It doesn't exist, but if it did, it would either be very good tasting, or very valuable, depending on whether the word "gold" refered to the taste or the actual elemental composition.

2002-11-21T15:30:00.000-05:00

2!

Quote of the Day:
"That which gains you glory is good, that which is not is evil; these are the only criteria."
-Niccolo Machiavellie

Hail to The Prince!

Caley's World Domination Plan of the day:
I will start a simple, new philosophy/religion called The Way of Truth. Followers of the Way of Truth believe that to gain enlightenment and true knowledge, one must first give up all material possessions, a trait common to many philosophies and religions. The differences are these- 1st, Unlike many of these other religions, I will not make chastity a requirement, thus making my religion enormously popular. 2nd- When everyone in the world gives up all their material possessions, they'll put them into a box. And guess who takes the box home and sells the contents thereof and uses the money to equip a fanatic religious army? Hahahahahahahahahahaaaa!

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. 'That was fun,' I said.
'You bet it was,' said Nick. 'Let's climb higher.'
'No,' I said. 'I think we should be heading back now.'
'We have time,' Nick insisted.
I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back.
I didn't say it was an interesting story."

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)"

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

The Department of Reptitive Redundancy Department Reptition.- We put the "repeat" in "repeat" in "repeat." In repeat. Repeating now are we that we put the repeat in repeat repeat. Repeating. Now. We are. Repeat.

AND

Nathaniel and Superfly- Oh, we were so very, very, very, very happy. Awww yeah.

2002-11-20T00:54:00.000-05:00

3!

Quote of the Day:
"A stand can be made against invasion by an army; no stand can be made against invasion by an idea."
-Victor Hugo

Caley's World Domination Plan of the Day:
Build a superlaser out of twine, paper, and a magnifying glass. Ok, so I'm lazy today.

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, 'What was that?!' "

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks."

This episode of CEQ brought to you by

Henry VIII- "I'm the freaking pope now, suckas."

AND

Plastic Cups- Holding all sorts of stuff since.........whenever.

2002-11-19T02:18:00.000-05:00

Tuesday's Update is after this one.

Caley's Week 11 NFL Results:

Pittsburgh Vs. Tennessee- Titans win - Caley picked Pittsburgh- Wrong (What the hell??!!)

Dallas Vs. Indianapolis- Colts win - Caley picked Indianapolis- Right (Maybe the Colts ARE getting better)

Buffalo Vs. Kansas City- Chiefs win - Caley picked Buffalo- Wrong (I even said it could go either way. Chiefs defense has been amped, hasn't it?)

Baltimore Vs. Miami- Dolphins win - Caley picked Miami- Right (If I had missed this one, I would have retired).

Green Bay Vs. Minnesota- Vikings win- Caley picked Green Bay- Wrong (I repeat: WHAT THE HELL??!!)

Washington Vs. New York (N)- Giants win- Caley picked New York- Right (Whew. Close one, there.)

Arizona Vs. Philadelphia- Eagles win- Caley picked Philadelphia- Right (Duh.)

New Orleans Vs. Atlanta- Falcons win- Caley picked New Orleans- Wrong (Oh well. It was worth a shot.)

Cleveland Vs. Cinncinati- Browns win- Caley picked Cleveland- Right (YOU CANNOT STOP THE BENGALS!!! THEY WILL KEEP LOSING NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO, FOOLISH MORTAL!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!)

Carolina Vs. Tampa Bay- Buccaneers win- Caley picked Tampa Bay- Right (Bloody glad, too, I was beginning to worry about the Bucs)

San Francisco Vs. San Diego- Chargers win- Caley picked San Diego- Right (I told you that karma owed them one after that stupid Rams loss).

Denver Vs. Seattle- Broncos win- Caley picked Denver- Right (Well, that was easy)

Jacksonville vs. Houston- Jaguars win- Caley picked Jacksonville- Right (Jaguars just needed to take a deep breath, that's all)

New York (A) Vs. Detroit- Jets win- Caley picked New York- Right (Good fight by Detroit, though. They've got heart.)

New England Vs. Oakland- Raiders win- Caley picked New England- Wrong (Colleen, your Pats are letting me down).

Chicago Vs. St. Louis- Rams win- Caley picked St. Louis- Right (Woooo. I'm, like, SO surprised.)

Caley's Weekly Record- 11-5 (69%)

Caley's Overall Record- 108.5-48.5 (72%)

Wheeeeeeeeee. Finally, a good SOLID week. Now, Week 12:

San Diego Vs. Miami- Squish the fish!
Caley's Pick- San Diego Chargers

Minnesota Vs. New England- Pats will be looking for blood after that Raiders loss, and the Vikings will be fat and plump with the victory over the Packers. Colleen, if the Pats lose this bloody game, I'm giving up on them.
Caley's Pick- New England Patriots

Cleveland Vs. New Orleans- Yeah, Cleveland is pretty good, but Super Bowl contender? No. So, despite the fact that picking the Saints has hurt me recently....
Caley's Pick- New Orleans Saints

Buffalo Vs. New York (A)- Heeeere's a good one. I find this one really bloody difficult to choose. Jets are on their way up, Buffalo has never looked stronger. I'll go with the more consistent team so far this year.
Caley's Pick- Buffalo Bills

Detroit Vs. Chicago- I hereby declare that it's time for the Lions to step up and beat the favorite. It doesn't hurt that they're playing the Bears, of course.
Caley's Pick- Detroit Lions

Jacksonville Vs. Dallas- Dallas went and lost its offense somewhere. They look like they did when they lost to the Texans. Jacksonville, meanwhile, proved last week that they don't totally suck by convincingly beating.....the Texans.
Caley's Pick- Jacksonville Jaguars

Cinncinati Vs. Pittsburgh- Well, I ::alert alert:: ::system error- IF = "Cinncinati Bengals" THEN
Caley's Pick- Pittsburgh Steelers

Atlanta Vs. Carolina- Falcons are getting stronger every day. Carolina is trying hard, but they just can't seem to break out of mediocrity. Falcons will need this one, too.
Caley's Pick- Atlanta Falcons

Tennessee Vs. Baltimore- Considering that the Titans just upset the Steelers, whereas the Ravens got thrashed worse than a whipping post on Whippy McWhip Whip day.....
Caley's Pick- Tennessee Titans

Green Bay Vs. Tampa Bay- Aw, yeah, HERE'S the game of the week. Ultra offense meets ultra defense. Plus, it's Bay Vs. Bay, how can that not be cool? This one's very close, and last week I would have taken the Packers, but then they had to go and lose to the Vikings. Screw it, I'll still pick the Packers.
Caley's Pick- Green Bay Packers

Kansas City Vs. Seattle- The Chiefs need this game to even stand a chance in the bloodthirsty AFC West, in which all the teams are above .500. Seattle needs it to maybe keep Mike Holmgren's job. (We miss you, Seattle! Come back so we can have a whipping boy in the AFC West!)
Caley's Pick- Kansas City Chiefs

Oakland Vs. Arizona- Gee, great meets half-bad. ::yawn::
Caley's Pick- Oakland Raiders

St. Louis Vs. Washington- Rams need to clear this hurdle to continue their astonishing comeback. Washington isn't too tough, but they have been able to knock off stronger teams on occasion. Still, I'll go with the team that hasn't lost since Week 5.
Caley's Pick- St. Louis Rams

New York (N) Vs. Houston- Thought the Texans might actually surprise everyone there for a second, but I guess not. While the Giants are no Super Bowl contenders, they should dispatch the Texans.
Caley's Pick- New York Giants

Indianapolis Vs. Denver- In reality, I do think Denver will win. But, my policy of always picking Denver so that if I'm right, I'm right, and if I'm wrong, the Chargers profit by it, just happens to coincide with that today.
Caley's Pick- Denver Broncos

Philadelphia Vs. San Francisco- This Sunday, I would have, after a long think, picked the Eagles. Without Donovan McNabb, will this team even have a chance? I don't really think so, but if they do, they'll show it here.
Caley's Pick- San Francisco 49ers

2002-11-19T00:41:00.000-05:00

4!

Quote of the Day:
"Idealism is best with yourself, cynicism is best with everything else."
-The Mystery Author

The mystery author is a big philosophical influence on me. Thus my AIM name "IdealistCynic." Since I can't think of any puzzles or riddles, a super fun prize to whoever comes up with the philosopher's name.

Caley's Plan For World Domination of the Day:
I will hoard paper. Every cent of my money not used for basic sustenance will be used to buy paper. Soon, I will have more reams of paper than the entire Microsoft Corporation and all its subsidiaries. When I have enough paper, I will run around setting fire to the world's paper-producing forests. I will also kill everyone who knows how to make papyrus and clay tablets. Then, when the world is panicking, I will say, "Yes, you can have paper....you can have all the paper you want if you make me king...." hahahahahahaaaaaaa......

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges."

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head."

This episode of CEQ brought to you by

KEQ- Kimmee's Existential Quandary http://yankodukes.com - Weird Al, World Domination, and other Random Crap. Wow, it's almost an exact clone, except there's not as much Weird Al on here. But "World Domination and other Random Crap" is pretty much what I'm all about.

AND

Lymph Nodes- We're so important, but you don't even know what the hell we do, do you?

2002-11-18T01:21:00.000-05:00

As promised, Caley's TheSpark Test Results. There IS an update for Monday, check below.

Caley.....

Is 78% Pure....(surprising, but you can be pure and evil, I suppose)

Will die on May 11, 2077, at the age of 92 years old....(inaccurate, the test didn't ask the question "Do you plan to consume the energy of a quasar and thus become immortal?")

Is NOT pregnant....(no surprise there)

Is 97% Untelligent....(untelligence is a measure of survival skill, apparently)

Will lose his virginity at age 21, and will only have one sexual partner in his life....(just reporting what the test says, don't fight over me, girls).

Will make his first $1,000,000 at 27 years old...(surprisingly late)

Is 62% Greedy....(Not so much greedy as pure evil)

Is 9% Bitch....(oo.....k.)

Is 9% Bastard....(So my masculine and feminine sides are both equally mean, nice).

Is 15% Slut....(Hear that, ladies? That means I'm 85% chaste. Get it? Chaste = Chased? Eh? Eh?)

Is MALE....(Wow).

Is 73% Stressed....(i'mnotstressedi'mnotstressedi'mnotstressed).

Is 7% gay....(::shrug:: That's still 93% straight).

Has an IQ of 194....(Wow, that's even better than my Mensa IQ Test).

Is 2% Lazy....(Neither world dominators nor college students can afford to be lazy, and I'm both).

Has a Brainy/Demonic Inner Child....(Wow, you'd think they knew me or something).

Is 89% dateable....(Ow, ow!)

Is 60% lovable....(Come on, evil is lovable!)

Is 83% of a good best friend....(the 17% comes from the fact that I laugh maniacally without end, doubtless).

Is 51% pickupable....(Keep that in mind too, ladies).

AND

Is 92% Totally Insane...(Ooh, big surprise)

2002-11-18T00:40:00.000-05:00

First, site news. In my monthly check of google searches relevant to my life, I found that a search of the phrase "Existential Quandary" now comes up with CEQ as the 2nd, that's right, 2nd most popular site (when I founded it in September, it was 23rd). Only our bitter rival, KEQ, (Kimmee's Existential Quandary) stands in the way of my domination of the EQ Universe. And people who stand in the way of Caley R. Anderson tend to have extraordinarily poor luck.....hahahahahaaaaa........

Also, coming very soon, Caley's results on the TheSpark's Many, many tests.

5!

Quote of the Day:
"Eternity's a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end?"
-Tom Stoppard

Caley's World Domination Plot of the Day:
I will create a small corporation called Spazzco. I will not disclose to anyone that I am the leader of Spazzco. I will hang around people and ask them things like "So, have you seen the newest Spazzco?" When they say "no," I will shake my head in pity and say "Figures. It's just as well, someone like you probably couldn't handle the power of the new one anyway." They will tell their friends about this mysterious "Spazzco," and those friends will in turn tell yet more friends. Meanwhile, while the Spazzco craze spreads and grows, I will become a master hypnotist. Then, I when people all over the world are wondering what Spazzco is (and while some posers are claiming that they know what Spazzco is and that they're "down with Spazzco," I will announce that I am Spazzco's leader, and that to find out what Spazzco is, and to get a free sample of its products, you must submit to a brief 10 minute hypnosis session. Everyone will come, I will hypnotize them into believing that I am the World's Evil Despotic Overlord, world conquered.
--Plan RF-13

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then, after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science?"

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set."

No more riddles because I ran out, but here's a puzzle:

If you were at a gate with two doors, one which led to Santee and one which led to El Cajon, and the Santee door always told the truth, and the El Cajon door always lied, and you didn't know which was which, what question should you pose to either of the doors to find out their true identities for sure?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Professor John Frink as a Turkey- HHHOOIIIILLLEEEEE!!! NNOOOOOO!!! Guess what? I'm DYING, gu-hai, with the basting, and the butterballing, and the chestnut STUFFING in my POPPYX! Gobble, gobble, gobble, death.

AND

The letter X, which was banned from Sesame Street, and moved to CEQ, which is known for its acceptance of sponsorship funds from "questionable sources."

2002-11-17T00:41:00.000-05:00

6!

Quote of the Day:
"Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine."

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father."

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Washington & Lee University- "We put the leg in college."

AND

Dasani Water- It's like water, except.......wait.....it's just water.

2002-11-16T03:26:00.000-05:00

First- Who would enjoy an original running feature called "Caley's Plan For World Domination of the Day?" Indicate your answer on ye olde messagee boarde.

7!

Quote of the Day:
"I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears, and sweat."
-Winston Churchill

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer."

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time."

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

The Grim Reaper- Why do I wear these robes? Well, YOU try being the incarnation of death and getting a tan. It's bloody impossible.

AND

Caley's British Idioms- Quite. Yes, yes, indeed. I see. Not t'all. Crikey!

2002-11-15T22:15:00.000-05:00

8!

Quote of the Day:

"Put money in thy purse."
-William Shakespeare

Good advice any time, but I like this quote because Iago repeats it over and over to tedium until I'm cracking up for the next three days anytime anyone says "Put money in thy purse."

Lost Deep Thought of the Day: (Just in time for the holidays)

"If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, 'Boy, these are good cigars!' "

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice."

Riddle-
A man with no eyes saw plums on a tree
He neither took plums nor left plums- how can that be?

(And yes, plums DO grow on trees.)

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Yesterday's CEQ- Soon I will be archived, dear reader, so give me glory by reading me again. My motto- "I Can't Think Of One!"

AND

The Battle of Fredericksburg- You haven't SEEN an exercise in futility yet, fool.

2002-11-14T15:40:00.000-05:00

9!

Quote of the Day:
"The airplane stays up because it has no time to fall."
-Orville Wright

Wow, that quote is a perfect description of me in college, except I'm not an airplane.

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again."

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"I will never utter the sentence 'But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know.' "

No riddle today because I can't think of one.

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

The time 12:00 am, 12:00 am, 12:00 am, and so on ad infinitum on your VCR.

AND

Banner Mattress- For the rest of your life. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
(Seriously, doesn't anyone else think that sounds ominous?)

2002-11-13T16:41:00.000-05:00

First- 10!

Quote of the Day:
"Who, then, is sane?"
-Horace

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certain lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tell the reader we are going to have fun with this thing."

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation."

New Riddle: This one is pathetically easy, but I don't feel like coming up with a good one at the moment.

Girls have it, but boys don't.
It happens when you live, but not in death.

?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Campell's Chicken Noodle Soup- Keeping Caley alive for the past 18 days, in conjunction with Gatorade.

AND

Viewers that are nothing like you.

2002-11-12T18:31:00.000-05:00

First off- 11!

Stay tuned afterwards for my NFL results and picks.

Quote of the Day:
"It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail."
-Gore Vidal

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"The old pool shooter had won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing to the floor. "Sorry," he said with a smile."

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request."

NFL Results for Week 10

Detroit Vs. Green Bay- Packers win (Caley picked Green Bay)- Right (No surprise there)

Houston Vs. Tennessee- Titans win (Caley picked Tennessee)- Right (Close one, but Texans just aren't there yet).

San Diego Vs. St. Louis- Rams win (Caley picked San Diego)- Wrong (At least it was a moral victory).

New York (N) Vs. Minnesota- Giants win (Caley picked Minnesota)- Wrong- (Ah, who cares?)

Indianapolis vs. Philadelphia- Colts win (Caley picked Philadelphia)- Wrong- (What?! How did that happen?)

Atlanta Vs. Pittsburgh- Tie (Caley picked Atlanta)- 1/2 Right- (How am I supposed to predict an NFL tie, people?)

New Orleans Vs. Carolina- Saints win (Caley picked New Orleans)- Right (Duh.)

Baltimore Vs. Cinncinati- Ravens win (Caley picked Baltimore)- Right (Good old reliable Bengals, always can be counted on to lose).

Washington Vs. Jacksonville- Jaguars win (Caley picked Washington)- Wrong (Do the teams throw games just to make me look bad or what?)

Seattle Vs. Arizona- Seahawks win (Caley picked Arizona)- Wrong (See last comment)

Kansas City Vs. San Francisco- 49ers win (Caley picked San Francisco)- Right (Yeah, I was right, but I fear the 49ers in this week's matchup).

New England Vs. Chicago- Patriots win (Caley picked New England)- Right (Too close, though).

Miami Vs. New York (A)- Jets win (Caley picked New York)- Right (That was a fun game to watch).

Oakland Vs. Denver- Raiders win (Caley picked Denver)- Wrong (I figured I win either way, if the Broncos win, I'm right, if the Raiders win, the Chargers stay on top in the AFC West. Hahahahahaa)

Caley's Week 10- Record- 7.5-6.5

Caley's Overall Record- 97.5-43.5

Back to a winning week, but only by an impossibly thin margin. My overall record is still lookin' good, though.

And now, next week's picks.

WEEK 11-

Pittsburgh Vs. Tennessee- Pittsburgh looked good for most of the game against the Falcons, until they let them come from behind 34-17 to tie it. Considering that Atlanta is twice the team that the Titans are:
Caley's Pick- Pittsburgh Steelers

Dallas Vs. Indianapolis- What happened with the Colts? They lose to a bunch of horrible teams, then they beat the Eagles? I mean, the Eagles, people. Dallas is nothing special, and even before last week's results I would have picked the Colts here. But now I can pick with confidence.
Caley's Pick- Indianapolis Colts

Buffalo Vs. Kansas City- This one could really go either way. Both are good teams coming off hard times, but I think that Buffalo will score early and score often, whereas the Chiefs' running attack may take some time to get going.
Caley's Pick- Buffalo Bills

Baltimore Vs. Miami- Crunch time for the Fish. If they lose this one, it will be obvious that they haven't lived up to the hype. They have to beat the mediocre Dolphins to retain any hope of the playoffs. But they're a good team, and I think they can do it.
Caley's Pick- Miami Dolphins

Green Bay Vs. Minnesota- The Vikings let me down and lost to the Giants last week, so I'm mad at them. Not that they'd have any chance against the Green Machine anyway.
Caley's Pick- Green Bay Packers

Washington Vs. New York (N)- The Giants have proved me wrong for three consecutive weeks, while the Redskins quietly built up my trust, and then shattered it last week. Thus I must go with the more loyal team.
Caley's Pick- New York Giants

Arizona Vs. Philadelphia- Helllooo? Anyone in there, Philly? How did you lose to the Colts? Anything could happen if the Eagles play as craptacularly as they did last week, but I'm sure they'll turn it back around.
Caley's Pick- Philadelphia Eagles

New Orleans Vs. Atlanta- The rematch of the fight between these two good teams. I think the Saints will win this time.
Caley's Pick- New Orleans Saints

Cleveland Vs. Cinncinati- Keeping with my decision not to even CONSIDER Bengals games-
Caley's Pick- Cleveland Browns

Carolina Vs. Tampa Bay- Carolina will look to prove itself here. Whether they can do it against the vicious Bucs is another question altogether.
Caley's Pick- Tampa Bay Buccaneers

San Francisco Vs. San Diego- They SHOULD have one the last game, I swear. Stupid Rams. Karma dictates that the Chargers MUST win this game after their horrible luck last time.
Caley's Pick- San Diego Chargers

Denver Vs. Seattle- Good ol' division rivals. Difference- Denver is good, Seattle is not. And besides, I'll keep picking the Broncos so that even if I'm wrong, it's good for the Chargers.
Caley's Pick- Denver Broncos

Jacksonville Vs. Houston- The Jaguars came back from the dead last week, though too late to save their season. I'm betting that they'll have no serious problems with the Texans.
Caley's Pick- Jacksonville Jaguars

New York (A) Vs. Detroit- Wow, did the Jets revitalize themselves or what? Look for them to pulverize the weak Detroit after victories over the strong teams of San Diego and Miami.
Caley's Pick- New York Jets

New England Vs. Oakland- Ooh, this one will be FUN to watch. It all depends on the Raiders, I think. If they keep in this game, they have a decent shot to win it. But will they prove as consistent as the Patriots have been the past couple of weeks?
Caley's Pick- New England Patiots

Chicago Vs. St. Louis- This is one of those "it looked good at the BEGINNING of the season" Monday Night games. Now it's just silly.
Caley's Pick- St. Louis Rams

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Butterfinger- It's not a finger, and it's not made out of butter. Well, at least not most of it. Actually, it's just butter coated in chocolate. And the chocolate is made out of butter.

AND

The Black Queen's Rook- MAN, I'm bored.

2002-11-11T21:40:00.000-05:00

Quote of the Day:
"There's a bible on that shelf there. But I keep it next to Voltaire- poison and antidote."
-Bertrand Russell

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"Marta says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up."

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal."

New Riddle- Another name your own-bloody-prize riddle:

I die as soon as I am born
I am ethereal; solid objects could pass through me
Yet I am powerful, I can kill you in a moment.

What am I?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Some stupid moron.

AND

A guy who doesn't feel like being creative with fake sponsors this particular evening.

2002-11-10T19:42:00.000-05:00

Quote of the Day:
"I will make you shorter by a head."
-Queen Elizabeth I

Gotta love Liz. When she wasn't being a patron of the arts or writing poetry, she was bringing down the hammer on traitors, plotters, and foreigners who had no respect.

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs."

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation."

Since no one's solved the riddle yet, no riddle today.

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

The corpse of a dead dog rotting in a ditch, which somehow contributed $3,000 to CEQ.

AND

Gatorade- Keeping Caley alive for the last 16 days.

2002-11-09T21:59:00.000-05:00

Quote of the Day:
"Quarrels would never last as long as they do were the fault always on one side."
-Duc de la Rochefoucauld

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been."

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat."

Riddle- This one is tougher, and it's a Caley Original.

I have no beginning, I have no end
I do not truly exist
Yet all that is and that ever will be
Combined is not as great as me.

?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Gorman's Ear Muffs. GUARD YOUR EARS!!!! with Gormans.

AND

Professor John Frink- He makes you, laugh, he makes you think, he likes to run and then to think with the....person.

2002-11-08T20:15:00.000-05:00

Quote of the Day:
"Perhaps it is better to be irresponsible and right than to be responsible and wrong."
-Winston Churchill

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like."

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well."

Super Riddle of the Whenever (found some new ones!):

At night, they come without being called
By day, they are lost without being stolen.

Answer = ?

The prize for this one will be the ability to add a new feature to CEQ for one week.

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

My Calculus Teacher- "So we want to maximize the volume of this cube. Actually, I guess to maximize the volume, we take it up to 11." The funny thing was that absolutely no one but me got it.

AND

Ralph Wiggum- "I dress myself!"

2002-11-07T18:38:00.000-05:00

Quote of the Day:
"Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for the greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer."
-Charles Colton

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"When I heard that trees grow a new "ring" for each year they live, I thought, we humans are kind of like that: we grow a new layer of skin each year, and after many years we are thick and unwieldy from all our skin layers."

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such."

A haiku about Colleen:

Colleen is super
Really quick witted and cool.
She's superior.

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Maruchan Instant Lunch Co.- 45% of the world's water usage is in conjunction with Ramen noodles.

AND

Groundskeeper Willie's Arch-enemy Shamus- He speaks like a poet, but he punches like one, too.

2002-11-06T21:19:00.000-05:00

Quote of the Day:
"There is a very good saying that if triangles invented a god, they would make him three-sided."
-Baron de Montesquieu

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone."

Caley's Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out."

The winner of the most recent riddle contest is Jessica, though I've decided to make Ashley co-winner since she answered the first one first, technically.

So, here's Part I of your prize, girls-

A Haiku about Jessica-

Brain with lightning speed
Solves riddles in just seconds
I cannot compete.

A Haiku about Ashley-

Also solves quickly
I wonder how she's able?
Answer: the sugar.

In PART II of your prize, I owe each of you a fast food meal of your choosing. Congratulations.

The last riddle I'll ask, since I grow tired of this stuff, is:

Through wind and rain I always play
I roam the Earth, yet here I stay
I crumble stone and fire can't harm me.
I am large, and yet you can hold in me in your hands.

?

First person to solve this can name their own prize, so long as it is deemed within reason by me.

This episode of CEQ has been brought to you by:

The Insane Pork Fat Lobby "A bacon of madness."

AND

Governor Gray Davis- "Yeah, I'm not very good, but who are you going to vote for? ::chuckle:: Simon?"

2002-11-05T21:08:00.000-05:00

Below, find my NFL picks. Also, I've decided to throw out the results of the last riddle/puzzle contest, because of controversy over the true winner. Therefore, I'll start a new one today. Good luck, all.

Quote of the Day:
"I want to register a complaint. Do you know who sneaked into my room at three o'clock this morning? Nobody, and that's my complaint."
-Groucho Marx

Ah, yes, the story of my life.

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"I remember that fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really on the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought, something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on."

Evil Overlord Tip of the Day:
"When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No.""

Super Puzzle/Riddle of the Whenever:
To WIN the prize, you must be the FIRST PERSON TO POST THE ANSWER ON THE MESSAGE BOARD

This one is a CALEY ORIGINAL:
It is always before you, yet you cannot see it
You are always moving toward it, but you'll never reach it.
You can never know what it really is, except in name only.

What is it?

Fun Philosophical Discussion Topic to make you look smart with your friends of the Whenever:

What would happen if you invented a time machine, went back in time and somehow prevented yourself from being born? You would have never existed, so you and your time machine would be instantly uncreated and vanish. However, since you never existed, you never invented a time machine and stopped yourself from being born, therefore you DO exist, but then you DID invent the time machine, etc. What would happen?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Caley Anderson- He's 1/4,300,000ths of the way to his goal of world domination.

AND

A man with a red plum- "Red plums are delicious, but I really like bananas. Hey, why don't I have a banana?"

2002-11-05T18:50:00.000-05:00

First up, Caley's NFL Results from last week.

Baltimore Vs. Atlanta- Falcons win (Caley picked Atlanta)- Right

New England Vs. Buffalo- Patriots win (Caley picked Buffalo. Sorry, Colleen.)- Wrong

Philadelphia Vs. Chicago- Eagles win (Caley picked Philadelphia)- Right

Pittsburgh Vs. Cleveland- Steelers win (Caley picked Pittsburgh)- Right

Dallas Vs. Detroit- Lions win (Caley picked Dallas)- Wrong

Tennessee Vs. Indianapolis- Titans win (Caley picked Indianapolis)- Wrong

Minnesota Vs. Tampa Bay- Buccaneers win (Caley picked Tampa Bay)- Right

Cinncinati Vs. Houston- Bengals win (Caley picked Houston, but hey, whod've thought the BENGALS would win a game?)- Wrong

New York (A) Vs. San Diego- Jets win (Caley picked San Diego. What the hell happened to my precious Chargers?)- Wrong

Washington Vs. Seattle- Redskins win (Caley picked Seattle)- Wrong

St. Louis Vs. Arizona- Rams win (Caley picked St. Louis)- Right

San Francisco Vs. Oakland- 49ers win (Caley picked Oakland)- Wrong

Jacksonville Vs. New York (N)- Giants win (Caley picked Jacksonville)- Wrong

Miami Vs. Green Bay- Packers win (Caley picked Green Bay)- Right

Caley's Week 9 Record- 6-8.

Caley's Overall Record- 90-36

Another subpar week, but my overall record remains strong.

And now, my picks for Week 10

Detroit Vs. Green Bay- This one shouldn't even be close. The Packers have been playing like the best team in the NFL lately, and the Lions continue to struggle despite last week's win.
Caley's Pick- Green Bay Packers

Houston Vs. Tennessee- Last week I would have been tempted to say that the Texans would prevail against the hapless Titans. But the Titans beat Indianapolis, an average team, while the Texans lost to the....Bengals. Let's see.....
Caley's Pick- Tennessee Titans

San Diego Vs. St. Louis- What happened to my poor Chargers? They were doing so well, and then they go and lose to the Jets, of all people? If they play like they did last week, there's no chance. If they start looking like the REAL Chargers again, then they should beat the Rams, who are increasingly relying on their ground game to plow through for wins. You can not run against the Chargers.
Caley's Pick- San Diego Chargers

New York (N) Vs. Minnesota- I'm hardly impressed with either team, but despite last week's win, I hardly think that the Giants are in any shape to compete against an improving (but still pretty bad) Vikings team.
Caley's Pick- Minnesota Vikings

Indianapolis Vs. Philadelphia- The Colts have to get their act together. They lost to the Titans last week, a sad and disturbing indicator of just how bad the offense is. Their running game is non-existent, their passing game is terrible because they have no receivers for poor Payton Manning, and their defense is only average. The Eagles, meanwhile, continue to rise.
Caley's Pick- Philadelphia Eagles

Atlanta Vs. Pittsburgh- Now here's a good matchup. I find it exceptionally difficult to pick the winner of this game, as both young teams are on hot streaks and really want this game. I'm going to go, however, with the team that has beaten more difficult opponents.
Caley's Pick- Atlanta Falcons

New Orleans Vs. Carolina- The return of Peete will not help the Panthers now. They're too far in the hole to climb out now. The Saints need to win this game to maintain their excellent playoff positioning.
Caley's Pick- New Orleans Saints

Cinncinati Vs. Baltimore- Yes, the Ravens are bad. Yes, the Bengals actually managed to win a game in the National Football League last week. But let this be known- When you have a huge celebration after beating the 1st year expansion team, you are not good.
Caley's Pick- Baltimore Ravens

Washington Vs. Jacksonville- The Redskins have clawed their way from "poor" to "mediocre," while Jacksonville has done just the opposite. Plus, everytime I pick the Jaguars, they lose.
Caley's Pick- Washington Redskins

Seattle Vs. Arizona- A good matchup. I'm wondering how the two offenses will stack up against each other. This game will come down to two things- defense and turnovers. Since the Cards lead in both categories, I'll go with them.
Caley's Pick- Arizona Cardinals

Kansas City Vs. San Francisco- The Chiefs are on the up and up recently, but can they handle the power of the 49ers punishing defense and powerful offensive attack? Caley says:
Caley's Pick- San Francisco 49ers

New England Vs. Chicago- No contest here. The Bears, lo, have falled into iniquity, while the Pats are looking to force their way back into they playoff race after their long losing streak snapped last week.
Caley's Pick- New England Patriots

Miami Vs. New York (A)- Well, ordinarily I would be sure that the Fish would win this one. However, Miami has been losing to progressively weaker teams each week, while the Jets have just come off an impressive decimation of the Bolts. If current trends continue, the Jets should win this one.
Caley's Pick- New York Jets

Oakland Vs. Denver- A key game. If Oakland loses this one, they are sunk in the AFC West. The Broncos also need to win to maintain their spot atop the same division, a spot they currently share with the Chargers. Oakland must win to regain control of their season, and to do that they must start playing well again. I don't think they can improve to the level where they'd be able to beat Denver.
Caley's Pick- Denver Broncos

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Lemons- We are sour. We are lemon. We are one.

AND

Avril Lavigne- Uh-huh. Uh-huh. That's the way it is.

2002-11-04T22:02:00.000-05:00

This is an official CALEY ENDLESS TRAIN OF THOUGHT:

Ever notice how most people vote? I know that most people vote a straight party ticket all the time. I also know that most people vote on referendums based on which side has the ads that they liked the best. Almost no one ever bothers to read the text (or even the impartial analysis) of the actual proposed laws, and people don't bother with candidate statements because they figure that the Democratic, Republican, whatever candidate has to be the best. Silly, isn't it? I really think that one of the major parties could nominate an empty milk carton for state senator somewhere, and that the milk carton would get a good number of votes.

And also, on a totally unrelated tangent, m= dy/dx f(x). Get it? Tangent? Eh? Eh?

Quote of the Day:
"Society goes on and on and on. It is the same with ideas."
-Ramsey MacDonald

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tiptop and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out."

Evil Overlord Tip of the Day:
"I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them."

Caley's Super Puzzle/Riddle/Whatever of the Whenever:
(Super Fun Prize to the first person to answer correctly on the message board)

The one who makes it, wants it not.
The one who buys it, uses it not.
The one who uses it, knows it not.

What is it?

Fun Philosophical Discussion Topic to make you look smart with your friends of the Whenever:

Do causes and effects, motions of objects, and the progression of time actually exist in one continuous universe? Or are our points of view moving through infinitely many universes per second, creating a sort of flash frame animation life that makes us perceive causes and effects, motion of objects, and progression of time?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Wonder Llama Productions-
We don't just sell products, we sell solutions. Except they're actually problems. And we don't really sell products per se. So yeah, pretty much just problems a'plenty.

AND

The United States Department of Condescending Paternalism-
"Beer. Don't drink that."
"Why?"
"Mind."
"Oh."