Monday, March 17, 2003

75!

Quote of the Day:
"There was a faith healer from Deal
Who said "Although Pain Isn't Real
If I sit on a pin
And it punctures my skin
I dislike what I fancy I feel."

Good times, good times.

To The Third of the Day:

Coming Soon Once CEQ moves off of Blogger.

Excellent Band Name of the Day:

Plastic Wampa

Awww yeahhhh.

Caley's Fan Mail/Advice Column of the Day:

"Dear Caley,
Sorry I haven't written in yet, but now seems like a good time since you have nothing. I was just wondering why do pennies exist?"

-Janice
Flagstaff, Ariz."

Well, Janice, it's like this:

Pennies were originally created way back in 452 B.C., when an ancient Greek philosopher names Centistikes was trying to raise money for a charity. However, he couldn't really get people to give him the money he needed. So what he did was to invent a denomination of currency so pitifully small that the people would collect em' in jars and give them to his brothe--- I mean charity, charity.

Anyway, the penny became somewhat popular after that, but it was in 1500 AD when the Freemasons started to sponsor it that it really took off. After that, no one has seriously challenged the penny, except for Abraham Lincoln. He just said one day, "Why do we even have this? It's more ridiculous than Mary Todd in a bikini!" Then the freemasons offered to put his picture on the front if he'd shut up about it, an offer which he accepted. Previously, Teddy Roosevelt had been on the penny (The Freemasons had time machines).

In conclusion, Libya is a nation of contrasts. Thank you.

E-mail Caley at AndersonC@wlu.edu! Send him your questions, and he'll prattle on at great length about total nonsense! Which is what he does in everyday life! It's like a real-life Caley simulator! I can't stop talking without quotation marks! Dear god, I'm in agony! Every day is like an excited, overenthusiastic agony! Everything I say has to be great! Otherwise it sounds funny! I mean, watch this! I ate a sandwich today! Wow, exciting!

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he put me on this planet to gather specimens and take them back to my home planet."

Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex."

Caley Synopsis of the day of the Day:

In the future there will be machines that do all my work for me. But until then, I must plod on. Here's a short list of the tasks I must do in the next 24 hours:

1- Get my next mafia target. This will be #20. I plan to stake her out. Hopefully I won't look creepy hanging out on the girls' floor at 6:00am in the morning. But I will. I ALWAYS look creepy.

2- Finish a politics paper. Wheeee.

3- Complete some reading that I need to do for a religion paper. Wheeee.

4- Go out in front of the Dining Hall during all of today's meals and campaign, as voting will be today. I'm feeling good about this one, none of my opponents even have a PLATFORM to run on, while I'm actually talking about serious issues. Excellent.

5- Finish cleaning my room. I have an honor scholar staying in my room starting Tuesday evening, so I want my room to be habitable for people other than me.

6- Make fun of Paige. If I don't do it, who will?

So you see, my day is extremely busy and you should all go easy on me. In fact, I think you should send me some money right now. Yeeesssss, and then you should work for me for free building the autotargeter for my orbital superlaser. And then you should bring me Yanni's head on a platter.

Added to the List(tm):
Yanni.

Point of Reflection of the Day:
If there is no objective truth, is everyone free to determine their own purpose in life as they see fit?

This episode of COEQ brought to you by:

Monkeys riding bikes while wearing lobster hats- "Well, I'll be damned."

AND

Microsoft- "Now, for girls, the Pink Screen of Death."

Sunday, February 23, 2003

Test

Monday, February 17, 2003

105!

Hey, everyone! The Gimmeabuck.com guy was kind enough to put us on the top of his links page, and the top of his "Thoughts I've Received" page! Cool! Visit www.gimmeabuck.com to check em' out.

Quote of the Day:
"The spirit burning but unbent may writhe, rebel, the weak alone repent!"
-Lord Byron

To The Third of the Day:
To The Third 21- Nekkid Cubes

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:

Pretend like I'm the antichrist (which I am not, as www.googlism.com will tell you). Gather forces of evil, etc, etc. Then, when I'm about to deliver the crushing blow to the world, reveal that I am not, in fact, the antichrist, thus, Jesus will not be coming to strike me down. But it's too late now! Huha!

Excellent Band Name of the Day:

Phosphoric Information:

Definitely an electronic/techno band.

Caley's Fan Mail/Advice Column of the Day:

"S'up Caley
Yo peep dis. Me and my homey DB found some stoopid fly honeys, so I says to honey #1, "Damn Bitch, You Stoopid Fly. How's about you back that a** up and let me smack that monkey!". DB just says "Word". Next thing ya know, jimmy hat was on and we was hittin it while listenin to some fly beats. Me and DB that is - the honeys just dissed us.

John T., Houston


First of all, I would like to emphasize that this is a real letter. I did not make this up.

Second, what?

Third, oh, oh, I see. Well, you guys just enjoy yourselves there. I'll be over here, wishing I had never heard of you.

Fourth, some other thing.

Fifth, on with CEQ.

Caley's Synopsis of the day of the Day:

You want snow? We've got snow. 1.5 ft. of it, to be precise. They plowed Main Street three times and there was STILL half a foot of snow on it. Coooollllldd. Let me show you here.

I could have gone to college here:


But instead, I am going here:


Once more, to emphasize the point. Could have gone here....


Instead, going here.....


Sad, isn't it?

Cold.....so cold.

Pic of the Day:

Another snow pic. This is one of Lexington's MAIN STREETS AT 2:00 pm! Man!

Point of Reflection of the Day:
Is the nature of things essentially material, or non-material?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

The Grim Reaper- "My job? Well, it's a living, I guess. Or rather, it isn't. Hahahahahahaha! I kill me. And everyone else."

AND

Hypothetical Girl-
"Oh, she was standing there
Like some girl who was standing there
And then I said something about her hair
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
About her hair, standing there
Where's my...bear...uh......there!"

Sunday, February 16, 2003

106!

Quote of the Day:
"The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent full of doubt."
-Bertrand Russell

I don't know.

To The Third of the Day:
To The Third 20- Of Curves and Cubes

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:

Create a web diary/easy update system that will become used by millions of people. Then, spring a sudden trap that will cause some of the paid sites to be unable to update, while most other sites remain operational. Then.......what? Oh. Damn you, blogger! Daaaaaamnnnn yooouuuuuuuu!!!

Excellent Band Name of the Day:

Hunger Runner

This would be one of those bands that do nothing but acoustic guitar pieces with soulful, and sometimes political lyrics.

Caley's Fan Mail/Advice Column of the Day:

"What's up Caley?
Did you ever think that you might want to do some other job besides world domination? I mean, it's a big world out there, maybe there's something that'll make you happier?

Hugh
St. Paul, MN


Well, Hugh, I used to have other interests, but then........then...........::glazed look in eyes, flashback mode::

Instructor- "Hello, class, welcome to another day of cooking school."

Caley- "Yaaaaaay!"

Instructor- "Now, today, we're going to be working with boiling water, so be vvveeerrry careful not to--"

Caley- "Wha--AAAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!! OH DEAR SWEET ZOMBIE JESUS IT BUURRRRRNNSSSSS!!!! MY SKIN!!!! MY BEAUTIFUL SKIN!!!! YOU MONSTERS!!!! YOU'LL PAY!!!! YOU'LL ALLLLL PAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!!!"

And that's pretty much how I got interested in world domination, Hugh. Thanks for causing me to have flashbacks, and, no doubt this evening, nightmares.

E-mail Caley at AndersonC@wlu.edu! Send him your thoughts, and he'll scream and rant about his PTSD.

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact."

Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)"

Caley's Synopsis of the day of the Day:

My fight with blogger is like a man shouting at the void. I feel like marching to Pyro's headquarters and blasting Pink Floyd:
"Hello? Is there anybody in there?"

In two days, it'll have been a week since CEQ was disabled, and still they have done nothing. Heeeelllp.

Added to the List(tm):
People who don't listen.

Otherwise, not much happened today. I woke up really late, went to check my mail, came back, wrote a little, and have pretty much been writing, talking, or playing games on the computer the whole day. My one week respite from class begins today, so I figured I'd make the most of it.

That's about it.

Pic of the Day:

It's "Conflict in Iraq," C&C style! I know none of you have any idea what that means. Sorry.

Point of Reflection of the Day:
Is it better to be egotistical or self-loathing?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Nutri-Grain Bars: Helping to keep Caley alive since 1990.

AND

Pepsi- Filling in for Caley's actual blood for quite a while now.

Saturday, February 15, 2003

107!

Today, in non-celebration of the evil, pestilent holiday of Valentine's Day, here's this gem from the CEQ archives:
Human beings enjoy deceiving themselves. Our emotional environment, societal memes, and our own desire for happiness and fulfillment cause us to create happy fantasies and dreams for ourselves. These false realities, though useful in coping with and rationalizing the real world, are nonexistent and, ultimately, merely a distraction from becoming productive and remaining psychologically healthy in the day-to-day world that we all inhabit. Nowhere is this more true than in the pleasant fiction called love.
While an estimated 92% of adult Americans believe in love, this statistic is only proof of the extent to which emotional stress can drive people to invent and believe in false realities. Love has never been truly defined, but it might be described as an inherent sense of desire, passion, and longing for another person. While this is a rather simplistic definition, I believe that anyone reading this can easily conjure up images and thoughts that they feel best describe “love.”
Love, essentially, is nothing more than a person inventing a reason for him or herself to be happy. While “liking” another person, enjoying their company, and finding them generally admirable is quite possible, and, in fact, very common, love seems to be nothing more than a false idea that is constantly passed down from generation to generation through stories, books, and worst of all, movies. All these media (and especially films) often portray love as destined. The two individuals involved are meant for each other, and they have been fated to meet since the days they were born, etc., etc. This sort of garbage has worked itself into the public consciousness, an astonishing fact when there is no actual proof or true instance of love.
Many emotions and feeling often become mistaken for love. Lust is commonly misidentified by people as love. Closer to what “love” is actually supposed to be, however, is a need for security. Both men and women seem to feel the need to obtain supportive emotional security. This is best done by pairing oneself for a protracted amount of time with the same person, but “supportive emotional security” is far too drab a term to describe this. Instead, people like to convince themselves that they’re in love.
People do this because they invent a need for love. They see and hear the perpetuated myths supposedly associated with love, and so they take pre-existing feelings, like the ones described above, and manage to convince themselves, without really thinking about it, that they are in love.
That is the truth about what love really is, and why so many of us suffer due to the misinterpretations and harmful auspices that are created by our belief in the ultimate myth- love.

Wheee!!! Happy Valentine's Day! Suckers!

Quote of the Day:
"You are not crippled at all unless your mind is in a splint."
-Frank Scully

Ow! My brain!

To The Third of the Day:
To The Third 19- The Eloquence of Love

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:

Have you ever noticed that people will do anything that tech support people tell them to do? Here's the plan- convince Microsoft to create an extremely defective product (that shouldn't be too difficult) that will fail no matter what the user does. Direct the users to call tech support for their problems. All the tech support people will give these increasingly complex directions- "First, make sure that the computer is plugged in. Second, make sure that you've turned it on. Third, go into "my computer" and access your C: Drive. Take a look at the packet data- is there any corruption? Obey the will of Caley." And like that, everyone who calls MS Tech Support is mine.

Excellent Band Name of the Day:

Devil Syllabus:

It has "devil" in the name, so I assume it'd be some sort of metal group. You never know, that could be a bluegrass name, too.

Caley's Fan Mail/Advice Column of the Day:

"dear Caley,
i noticed in Your picture that You have a bunch of pieces of paper hanging on your wall. What are those?

-Jania
Anaheim, CA"


First off, I wish to note that this person has learned well- note the capitalization of pronouns that refer to me, such as "Your" and "You," thus indicating my nigh-deitic status. Thank you for that, Jania. Anyway, a while back I took it upon myself to select my favorite quotes and collect them all in one place- a word file. I printed them all up when I got here and stuck them on my wall. This is, by the way, where I get my quotes of the day. Fun factz from Krazy Caley.

Second, Jania, I noticed that you live in Anaheim. Do you know the Rally Monkey? I'd like to contact him about seeing if he'd like to govern Angola when I take over the world.

E-mail Caley at AndersonC@wlu.edu! Send Caley your questions, and he will make obscure baseball references!

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw."

Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time."

Caley's Synopsis of the day of the Day:

I hate Valentine's Day. I took my midterms today, they seemed pretty easy. I'm just glad that I get a week off now, it was very badly needed. The pressure of having $21,000 riding on every test I take, plus the fact that the damned (pronounced dam-nehd) souls of those foolish enough to stand in my way have been wailing outside of my window, was starting to take it's toll.

Did I mention that Valentine's Day is terrible and I wish that it would die? No one showed up at fencing practice today......this is becoming a disturbing trend. I'm starting to think of visiting the people who are still signed up for the club and urging them to go to practice. One thing's for sure- next year, practice is mandatory.

If you were wondering whether I hate Valentine's Day, the answer is.....yes. The only bad thing about is that I have to get up somewhat early on Monday to go do work-study for 5 hours straight. I won't have to work on Wednesday because of the 5 hours, but still, spending nearly a quarter of the day at something that I really detest is not my cup o' tea.

Valentine's Day is the work of minds so corrupted by blindness and self-interest that they have ceased to recognize the external to themselves. I found out the pleasant news that my current Mafia target may be staying here for the break, giving me ample time to eliminate him at my leisure. I hope this is true. But if not, oh well, I'll zap him on Monday.

February 14th is the day of Pestilence on the Calendar of Caley, and woe to those who celebrate this day of devilry.

Well, that's about it.

Actually, I think I'm forgetting something.

What is it?

Oh yeah.

Added to the List(tm):
Valentine's Day

Pic of the Day:

What?

Point of Reflection of the Day:
Are logic and religion at all compatible?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

A Gangsta's Paradise- In which we have been spending most our lives.

AND

The Sequel- July 2003. Stay tuned for more information.

Friday, February 14, 2003

108!

"Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage, against the dying of the light."
-Dylan Thomas

My favorite line of poetry.

To The Third of the Day:

To The Third 18- Revenge in the Land of Half-Eaten Sandwiches

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:

See today's fan mail.

Excellent Band Name of the Day:

C-Dogg and the Feather Mugging Ramen Eaters

I don't know. Don't even ask.

Caley's Fan Mail/Advice Column of the Day:

"Dear Caley,
Don't you think that a good method of World Domination would be the www.zombo.com strategy?
-William
Pensacola, Florida
"

William- Welcome to CEQ. This is CEQ. Welcome. This is CEQ. Welcome to CEQ. You can do anything at CEQ. Anything at all. The only limit is yourself. Welcome to CEQ. Welcome to CEQ. This is CEQ. Welcome to CEQ. This is CEQ, welcome. Yes. This is CEQ. This is CEQ, and welcome to you who have come to CEQ. Anything is possible at CEQ. You can do anything at CEQ. The infinite is possible at CEQ. The unattainable is unknown at CEQ. Welcome to CEQ. This is CEQ. Welcome to CEQ. Welcome. This is CEQ. Welcome to CEQ. Welcome to CEQ.

E-mail Caley at AndersonC@wlu.edu! Send Caley your ideas, and he'll hypnotize you into....into.....welcome to CEQ. This is CEQ. Welcome.

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, mankind should be thinking about getting more use out of the weapons we already have."

Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk."

Caley's Synopsis of the day of the Day:

More chess with the Dean of Students. Today's results:

Caley (White) Vs. Dean (Black)- Caley wins
Caley (Black) Vs. Dean (White)- Caley wins
C-White Vs. D-Black- Draw
C-Black Vs. D-White- Caley loses

Wheee. Most of the day has been spend studying for my midterms, so there's not a lot to tell today. Blogger continues to be stupid.

Added to the List(tm):
Midterms

Added to the List(tm):
Blogger's continuing sucking

Added to the List(tm):
Really short CSOTDotDs.

Pic of the Day:

No, no, I'm all right ACCCACCRRRGGRGRHGHGH!!!!!

Point of Reflection of the Day:
What is the meaning of this....this is zombo.com.....welcome to zombo.com..Err, I mean, in life, and justice, and zombo.com. And......the infinite is possible at zombo.com.....the unattainable is....is....no! no....ok. Speaking of infinite, can anything truly be infinite, or is that a contradiction in terms? I mean....in...zombo.com....anything is possible....at zombo.com....welcome.

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

The letter D- Fired by Sesame Street

AND

Zombo.com.....welcome....to Zombo.com......welcome.....this is zombo.com.......DAMN YOU, WILLIAM OF PENSACOLA, FLORIDA!!!!

Thursday, February 13, 2003

109!

"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation."
-Henry Thoreau

To The Third of the Day:

To The Third 17- Rhapsody in Pink

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:

Create a mind control device in each newly manufactured radio that ggaahhhhh....ahhhh......SUPERLASER!!! SUUUUUPPPERLAAASSEEERR!!!
::ahem:: Sorry. Anyway, let's see. We'll, I'll concoct a potion, that, when mixed with ordinary water, wil SUPERLASER!! AAAHHHHHH, SUPERLASER!!!! Er, sorry, folks. Just this little tic I have. Pay it no mindSUPERLASER!!!! SSSSUUPPER!!! LLLLLAAAAASSSERRRRR!!!

Excellent Band Name of the Day:

Spoon Boy and the Potentials

Would play hard rock such as that found in The Matrix.

Caley's Fan Mail/Advice Column of the Day:

"you are ghey, your sight is ghey, all the stuff that you pu ton it is stupid. have a nice day, loser.
-fly for a white guy
"

People often ask me, "Caley, why do you so bitterly hate humanity and want to enslave it for your own profit and amusement?" The answer is that when I take over, people like this will wear electric dog collars at all times. Whenever they misspell something intentionally, use poor grammar, or make unjustified critcisms of other people's work, they will receive an extraordinarily painful shock. Quickly they will succumb to the will of Caley. "Fly for a white guy," you truly are a paramount example of the heights that the human race can achieve. Oh, wait, did I say heights? I mean "worst scumsucking depths imaginable." That must have come out wrong. I'm glad you hope I have a nice day, but I hope you don't. In fact, I hope that bees sting you on your eyes. That'll learn you.

Honestly, people, I can't make up stuff this stupid. I like publishing your letters, but if you're going to insult me, at least put some EFFORT into it, eh? Come on. I know you can do it.

E-mail Caley at AndersonC@wlu.edu! Send him your petty insults, and he will rain terror and pain on you and all of your descendants forever!

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick."

Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win."

Caley's Synopsis of the day of the Day:

Got a 92 on that history test. It was easy after all, and I didn't even need to spend that much time studying on it. Woo-hah. Now I have to study for midterms. Out of the frying pan and into the fire indeed. More like, out of the fire and into the huge freaking active volcano.

Added to the List(tm):
Stupid proverb rewrites

Oh, well. Not much else to report today. I couldn't get my mafia target because he didn't show in class; I'll get him Friday. Did work study, but none of you want to hear about the glory and excitement attached to working in the Office of Institutional Research, where looking at numbers is OUR #1 PRIORITY!!! YAAAAAYY!!

Added to the List(tm):
Staring at numbers

See you tomorrow, or whenever Blogger decides to start working again.

Pic of the Day:

The shield will be down in moments. You may begin your landing.

Point of Reflection of the Day:
How are we to define justice?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

The 13th President of the United States- Millard. What a loser.

AND

The 29th President of the United States- Warren. What a loser.

Wednesday, February 12, 2003

110!

Quote of the Day:
"Woe to the vanquished"
-Livy

To The Third of the Day:

To The Third 16- Aliens, Freebase Bungee Jumping, And Wicked Headaches

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:

Create a "Clock Confusion" Ray. This ray, when fired, will alter any clock to change its time by a random interval anywhere from one second to 23 hours, 59 minutes, and 59 seconds. Take my superlaser's power supply and attach it to this clock ray. Send the clock ray up on a satellite, and fire it repeatedly. Eventually, all the world's clocks will be set to different times, and efforts to fix the problem will fail, as the ray will just fire again, and all reliable sources (such as the Greenwich World Master Clock) will be altered as well. With the world thus thrown into temporal chaos, I will easily be able to take over the world, since communication between world militaries, law enforcement agencies, etc, will be utterly useless without a time reference.

Excellent Band Name of the Day:

Psychotic Frog Barbers

Metal Band that will feature T-shirts of their namesake.

Caley's Fan Mail/Advice Column of the Day:

"Dear Caley,
Why do guys leave the seat up?

-Janice
Saginaw, MI"


I'm glad you came to me, Janice. You see, guys leave the seat up because we're wired that way through an evolutionary mindset. Back in the days of yore, when cavemen and such roamed the earth, things were different. There were toilets, then, certainly, but they were crude, stone toilets with very heavy seats. And the reason for this had nothing to do with hygenics. Back then, wolves, dogs and other canines had just as strong an impulse for drinking out of the toilet as they do now. Since they were required for food, men became accustomed to leaving the seats on toilets up, and then slamming them back down on the necks and heads of the canines when they came to drink from the toilet. So you see, leaving the toilet seat up was a necessity for sustenance that has now been phased out, and is vestigial. So I hope you'll understand that we guys, when we leave the toilet seat up, are just following our primal instinct.

Actually, we're just lazy.

E-mail Caley at AndersonC@wlu.edu! Send him your questions, and he'll respond with a faux historical theory and self-contradiction!

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won't laugh at a man just walking down the street carrying a clown outfit in one of those plastic dry-cleaner bags?"

Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them."

Caley's Synopsis of the day of the Day:

Blogger is beginning to anger me. Today's update, and yesterday's, have not yet been published as I write this due to an internal error. As a result, and as you know, CEQ is delayed. Rrggh.

Added to the List(tm):
Blogger Internal Errors

It snowed this morning, and for most of yesterday, so things are looking pretty whitish around here. It's not that cold, though.

We had a really easy test in Philosophy. I think I'm doing pretty well in all my classes, so yeah, woo-hoo for me.

That's about it. Tomorrow, hypothetical death to my mafia target!

Pic of the Day:

We must strike Iraq now to stop this madman.

Point of Reflection of the Day:
Which is worth more- The lives of five human beings, or the lives of all the dogs on the planet?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Sweet Idaho Brown- Living in Georgia's shadow

AND

Sweet Celery Pie- Living in Potato's shadow.

Tuesday, February 11, 2003

Sorry this is late, but Blogger crapped out on me.

111!

Quote of the Day:
"To deceive oneself is very easy."
-Proverb

Nah....nah, I don't think it is......yeah....yeah, that's it.....not true at all.

To The Third of the Day:

To The Third 15- Listen To What The Cube Said

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:

Host an event known as the "Collective One Hit Wonder Comeback Festival." This musical festival will feature such acts Vanilla Ice, Rico Suave, Kris Kross, and so on. Eager to rejuvenate their long-dead careers, these individuals will be more than willing to help me implement my ultimate plan- creation of a pop music genre so repetitive, lyrically stifling, and unimaginative that the public (who will, of course, love any such music) will actually lose severe amounts of intelligence by listening to it. With the population of the world thus dumbed down, I will be free to either use my veteran army of colobus monkeys with sticks, or......

I say S-U-P-E-R
It's super, super,
And L-A-S-E-R
It's a laser, laser
When you put the two together
Super, super, laser, laser
On the left side! ("Super!")
On the right side! ("Laser!")
Left! ("Super!") Right! ("Laser!")
Superlaser!!!!
Woooo!!! Go Caley!!! Woooo!!!

Excellent Band Name of the Day:

Caley and the Whalers

A rock/ska band that would play remixes of classical music. Note that the spelling is NOT "Wailers," like Bob Marley's band, instead it's "Whalers" The band symbol would be a harpoon.

Caley's Fan Mail/Advice Column of the Day:

"Dear Caley,
I see that you, like me, are attempting world domination. How about we team up? I'm the greatest living evil mastermind there is, you could use me. How's about it? We could rule the world with an iron fist of doom."

-Danny
-Palo Alto, CA


We could, Danny, but how about no? If you were really the greatest living evil mastermind there is, YOU wouldn't be asking ME for an evil alliance of "doom," as you put it (honestly, "doom"? That's so cliche). The very fact that you are supplicating yourself is because I am the greatest livi-- no, you know what, the greatest evil mastermind of all time, and you know it. Your pathetic attempt to jump on the Caley bandwagon to achieve a position of power is so blatantly obvious that I cannot help but laugh. It is, in fact, so humorous that I cannot help but type out my joviality. Ahhahahah...hahahaha...ahha...ha.

You know, "There Can Be Only One" is a really good saying. The addendum to it that no one ever sees is "There can actually be more than one, but pretty much everyone besides that one will be out in the quarries lifting rocks and moving them around for no apparent reason save the one's amusement." So instead of trying to lick my boots, Danny, you should get up, go grab a rock, and get moving. I wouldn't want my secret police to accidentally stab you with an electro-prod if you didn't.

E-mail Caley at AndersonC@wlu.edu! Send Caley your ideas, and he will laugh at you and order you to do pointless, near-Sisyphian tasks for his own amusement.

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" No. I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."

Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no."

Caley's Synopsis of the day of the Day:

My current Mafia target is another one of those hard ones. I staked out his room this morning, but I have the unfortunate disability of tracking a target who is in a double. This morning, I didn't know which one was my target and which was the innocent roommate, so when they both came out to get ready for the day, I didn't know which one to follow. I ended up choosing the one that looked more like a Californian (my target is from California, his roommate is a Massachusetts native). I tracked him out of the building, where he got into an SUV and drove down to the freshman parking lot. After he left I peered into the car and saw a notebook with my target's name on it. So at least I know which one he is now. Coincidentally, I have a class with him, I noticed, but I can never seem to get out of the classroom before he does (classrooms are off-limits for shooting someone in the game, so you have to wait until they get out). Whenever I try to follow him, I lose him in the huge crowd that masses in the halls when class is over.

Added to the List(tm):
Huge Crowds

On Wednesday I'll see if I can get the prof. to let me out a few minutes early. I'm getting closer, anyway.

Not much else happened today. Dinner was butter crumb cod. It's a good dish, but D-hall serves it at least once a week, so I'm getting sort of tired of it. I am commencing studying for midterms today, as most of them will happen on Friday. This is the last week before February Break, so I just need to get through four more days until I can get some well-deserved rest.

Pic of the Day:

It's EXTREEEEEEMMME CHESS!!! (air guitar)

Point of Reflection of the Day:
What is it about physical pain that makes it so unpleasant?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

The Word "Wherewithal"- Do you have it?

AND

The Sweet Chariot- It's a swinger.

Monday, February 10, 2003

NOTE- If you're looking for Tuesday's update, then you'll have to wait. The CEQ engine is non-operational at the moment (thanks a lot, Blogger), but the update is there, and I'll publish it as soon as I can.

-The Management

112!

Quote of the Day:
"It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees."
-Dolores Ibarruri

To The Third of the Day:

To The Third 14- Blue's Sincere Apology

And for those of you asking, yes, I do the To The Thirds myself. What, do you think it's hard? Look at it. They're freaking cubes. It's not like I have any artistic talent.

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:

Turn my awe-inspiring writing skills to the relatively easy task of romance novelization. You know the kind, the ones with the huge rippling guy and the busty woman wrapped up in a sheet or a curtain or some other flowing textile. In any case, in the middle of every page, there will be the phrase "Caley is your ruler." Because my target audience will be the kind of people who LIKE these novels, they will quickly be enslaved by the subliminal message. Because we're talking about romance novel buffs here, they'll also use the phrase in everyday speech inadvertently, all the time. "Hey, you wanna go get some ice cream? Caley is your ruler." They will repeat it so often that eventually EVERYONE will fall to my will. Yaaaayyy!!

Excellent Band Name of the Day:

Patented Charm:
This would actually be a hardcore metal group with a hyper-ironic name.

Caley's Fan Mail/Advice Column of the Day:

"Hello Caley
Greetings from Kiwiland (New Zealand). Because you're so fond of doing fight scenarios, here's a good one- Australia against New Zealand. Hope you're having fun at university.

-Marshall
Auckland


Well, Marshall, or, as I shall refer to you for the remainder of this response, "Marshy," it all comes down to one thing: geography. Look at the nearest map of Oceania you may have lying around. You'll notice that Australia is far larger than New Zealand. It also has a larger population, a larger industrial complex, etc. I mean, come on, has NEW ZEALAND ever hosted an olympics? I think not. Actually, with that said, I still think New Zealand will win, and here's why:

Australia will be winning for most of this fight. They'll march right in to New Zealand and occupy most of the territory. The Kiwis will only be able to conduct resistance and guerrila war. But the one thing the Aussies are forgetting is the Lord of the Rings factor. It is well-known that Middle Earth is actually New Zealand (really, it is. Check it out.) Therefore, the Australia-Australia-Australians (savage MP ripoff) will only THINK they've won. But can they stand up to the pissed-off, combined forces of EVERYONE in Middle-Earth? You'll have tens of thousands of men, dwarves, elves, orcs, goblins, Uruk-Hai, wargs, and the like, all descending on the hapless RAA. Gwaihir will tear apart the Australian air force by himself, for crying outloud. And let's not forget the wizards. Gandalf, Saruman, and possibly Radagast (the loser) will deal out some serious PAIN. And need I even mention Sauron, Lord of Darkness? He'll be after the poor down-underers (?) with his ring of evil, his galoshes of wickedness, and his umbrella of doom. Then he'll be pimpin' it afterwards in the evilmobile. Sauron is awesome.

So yeah, ordinarily I would say that Australia wins, but LotR comes through in the clutch for the Zealand that is New. Heh. Marshy.

E-mail Caley at AndersonC@wlu.edu! Send him your questions, and he will insult your nationality through an Americentric pop culture worldview!

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet."

Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner."

Caley's Synopsis of the day of the Day:

Nothing really happened today, at all. Woke up, hung around, went to the Phi (that's the newspaper) office, worked on some stuff, came back, hung around, talked with Matt for a while, ate dinner, came back, hung around, and just generally vegged out. Oh, and thanks for sending me your e-mails, guys. I have like 20 of them backed up now. I'll try to answer them all eventually, if I can, but I get more each day. So yeah.

Can't really think of any relevant things that suck, so I'll just say this:

Added to the List(tm):
The last 1/10th of a bottle of Coke.

Pic of the Day:

It's water polo. Get it? Water.....polo....ahha...ha.

Point of Reflection of the Day:
For this one, a quote from Lao-Tzu
"Was I then a man dreaming that I was a butterfly, or am I now a butterfly dreaming I am a man?"

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Woodstock- | | / | | \ |\|| ||\ ||\\/| \||

AND

Martha Stewart's Ex-Husband- "Yeah, I'm pretty astonished I still have my soul, too."

Sunday, February 09, 2003

113!

Quote of the Day:
"Teach me to live, that I may dread the grave as little as my bed."
-Thomas Ken

The problem with that is that you might die. But that's fine with me, I guess, since I'll be living forever.

To The Third of the Day:

To The Third 13- An Unfortunate Necessity

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:

Create a huge factory that will produce nothing but square mile after square mile of fuzzy shag carpet. Using my own personal charisma (read as "personal threat of violence"), persuade carpet installers all over the world to install fuzzy shag carpet everywhere on the planet, including as a cover for the world's oceans. What will the end result of this be? Static electricity EVERYWHERE. People will get severely zapped EVERY time they try to touch something that's even SORT OF a conductor. With the world's population thus unable to utilize 75% of their tools and equipment, I'll be free to take over the world from a hot-air balloon.

Excellent Band Name of the Day:

Tricky Gimmick
This would be a techno/electric metal band featuring weird guys with long hair and funny hats.

Caley's Fan Mail/Advice Column of the Day:

"Hey Caley,
Me and all the other girls in my intro. to comps. class, and hey, why not in the world, want to know, are you single?

;)
Kara
Trenton, NJ


Oh yeah, Kara. I am on the market, and you better bid before I'm going, going, gone. Get in line, sister, cause' you're going to be waiting a while. You can't get in to see Caley right now. It's physically impossible, as the girls are CLIMBING ALL OVER HIM. You know, I mean, what can I say? I'm a chick magnet. A babe conductor. A logarithm.....for the ladies (SBR). I am up for grabs, and oh how many grabs there are.

In other words, yes, the future world despot is hot, smart, and single. What more could a girl want?

E-mail Caley at AndersonC@wlu.edu! Send him your innocuous queries, and he will exaggerate to a ridiculous degree.

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him."

Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild."

Caley's Synopsis of the day of the Day:

I found out that my would-be mafia stalker really was mistaken about my identity and gender, and mistakenly shot someone named Kayla. Thus, she's out, and I can once again reveal to you all that yes, I am a guy.

The radio show went well today. Played some good songs; nothing really difficult happened. Also they had a nice dinner, french fries, rice, beef wellington, GOOD chicken patties. That's the life right there. The only problem was the presence of mushrooms in the Beef Wellington.

Added to the List(tm):
Mushrooms

And now I've spent most of my free time today writing. What am I writing, you ask? It's a secret. It has to do with Socrates, though. Socrates is cool. The people who killed him suck.

Added to the List(tm):
Anytus, Lycon, and the other guy whose name I forget.

Yeah, yeah, so it's been quite a day. And right now I'm just sitting here, typing.......typing.

Pic of the Day:

The coward's way out.

Point of Reflection of the Day:
Which is more important, justice, or the sanctity of life?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

General Howe- "Hello, I'm the local idiot, and I'll be attempting to ruin your Revolutionary War today."

AND

Hypothetical Girl-
"Circles........she's spinning me around in circles, again.
Ohhhh, that skinny blond girl
Something about the ages
I failed college algebra again
Ohhhh, that skinny blond girl
With the circles and the ages and the ages."

Appearing live at Smokey Bob's Cafe.

Saturday, February 08, 2003

114!

Quote of the Day:
"The physician cutteth off a long disease, and he that is today a king tomorrow shall die."
-Ye Olde Biblee of Ye Olde Christiane Faithe

It does have some good things in it.

To The Third of the Day:

To The Third 12- Things

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:

Convince Barbra Streisand that the thing that the world really needs from her now is her impassioned rendition of "Dream Weaver." Make a recording of this performance (with earplugs on, obviously). Using PayPal contributions given through this website, construct a huge satellite, speaker, and transmission system that will force every human being on the planet to listen to this performance over and over and over and over. Just before everyone goes insane, they'll beg me for sweet, sweet release. I'll offer to stop the song....if I'm made world ruler.

Excellent Band Name of the Day:

The TTP Project
This is what I would name my band. The TTP stands for "The TTP Project"

Caley's Fan Mail/Advice Column of the Day:

"Dear Caley,
Your website is great, and I really enjoy reading it each day. But I don't think that enough attention is paid to a figure who is very important in American history. I am, of course, referring to that highly influential religious and political leader, Brigham Young. How about it, Caley?

-Bea
Washington, D.C.
"

Shut the hell up. For you even to MENTION that name carries with it the pain of death by 1,001 paper cuts. So I repeat- Shut.....the HELL....up.

E-mail Caley at AndersonC@wlu.edu! Send him your questions, and he might torture you in the most painful way possible!

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money."

Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again."

Caley's Synopsis of the day of the Day:

Class, yeah, that wasn't very interesting. After class, I worked on a few newspaper stories, and started putting together my radio show. Dinner was ROTISSERIE CHICKEN. Yum. However, they had cordoned off half of the D-Hall, and then they told us that we'd only have a half-hour to eat because there was an alumni dinner coming up.

Added to the List(tm):
Treating people who are not in the school better than paying students in the school.

My mafia target was kind enough to leave his door open and unguarded this evening for a protracted period of time. I went in and took some shots with my digital camera (and hid his gun on his roomate's desk to divert his suspicion onto his roommate) I now know what he looks like, and I'm trying to memorize some of the hats that he wears. Huhaaaahahahahahah.

Pic of the Day:

Stupid Polar Bears.

Point of Reflection of the Day:
Is what is good the same as what is advantageous?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Stupidity- Amusing Caley since 1984.

AND

The Space Weasels that Eat My Face- "Caley's Face is Delicious."

Friday, February 07, 2003

115!

First off, an announcement:
Mad props to da' Pizzaige for da' flow of total brainage and d'idea for da' BNotD, bboooyyeeeeeee!
(Thanks for that idea, Paige)

Quote of the Day:
"Who dares, wins."
-Motto, British SAS

To The Third of the Day:

To The Third 11- Little Known Medical Synonyms

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:

I will simply amass a huge army of people amazingly loyal to me personally. But the key thing here is that I will succeed with this plan where others have failed. Why? I will stay the hell out of Russia during the winter.

NEW FEATURE
Excellent Band Name of the Day(thanks to Paige for the idea):

Hypothetical Girl
This would be an emo band filled entirely with semi-scruffy looking guys.

Caley's Fan Mail/Advice Column of the Day:

"Dear Caley,
As the future subject of your own tyrannical regime, I had a quick question. Will income tax be lower or higher than it is now? Thanks.

-Alan
Portland, OR


I have good news and bad news for you, Alan. The good news is that there will be no income tax. When I take office, I will abolish all forms of monetary taxation. The bad news for you is that you will have no income. You will work for free as a slave, and the only reward you will have will be meager bowls of soup, slightly-dirty water, and a hard slab of rock to sleep on. So to answer your question, lower, but that's not always a good thing.

-Caley

E-mail Caley at AndersonC@wlu.edu! Send him your questions, and he will describe your dark, bleak future existence!

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"Marta talks about sensuality, but I don't think she'd know sensuality if it bit her on the ass."

Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency."

Caley's Synopsis of the day of the Day:

Finally, I have my fencing money. It took a lot of cutting through red tape, but I now have a check for $675.00 for the vendor we're purchasing from. The stuff will either be here Friday or Monday, and fencing will be able to resume. Woo-hoo!

Added to the List(tm):
Red Tape

Also, philosophy class was entertaining today. Someone said "But since we all accept Christianity as true, can't we assume (x proposition)?" My philosophy teacher raised an eyebrow at that and looked around the room, just waiting for someone to jump on it. I raised my hand and gave a nice objective critque of her assumptive argument that I don't think revealed my true attitudes about her view. Ha...ah haha...ha.

Added to the List(tm):
People who assume that their views are the only views.

And I ate dinner, which was FRIED CHICKEN. That was damn good stuff. Tomorrow is ROTISSERIE CHICKEN. The bad news is that the Dining Hall will be closing for all of February Break! February Break is the week after next week, and it lasts for the entire 7 days. I don't want to starve during February Break, since I'm not going home, and I also don't want to spend $100 on subsistence. I am also against living on Ramen and fountain water for the whole week. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about this yet.

Added to the List(tm):
Untimely D-Hall Closures

Pic of the Day:

What in the name of all that is good and decent??!!

Point of Reflection of the Day:
Is it possible to know something without having NOT known it previously?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Those Freaky-ass Old Guys Who Jog Around In Speedos- "Ehehuheuhehuheuheeuhe"

AND

Sideshow Bob and Rakes- "Ehehhuehheehueheheuh"

Thursday, February 06, 2003

116!

Wow, we're up to 50 different people who have viewed this site. Yarr, that be a lot for a blog. Tell your friends. And buy stuff to give to the "Lots of Awesome Stuff For Caley Fund."

Quote of the Day:
"I earn that I eat, get that I wear, owe no man hate, envy no man's happiness, glad of other men's good, content with my harm."
-William Shakespeare

To The Third of the Day:

To The Third 10- More like Ctrl-Alt-Your Mom

Caley's Plan for World Domination of the Day:

Create a new Tic Tac flavor, SuperUltraHyperGlobalMega Mint. This flavor will be 1,000,000 times as fresh as "Wintergreen" or "Fresh Mint." It will, in fact, be so fresh that you will keel over in non-lethal agony from the astounding freshness of it all. Your breath will be fresh for months. But the result of being keeled over on the ground from a couple days due to freshness- conquest by my stick-wielding colobus monkey army.

Caley's Fan Mail/Advice Column of the Day:

"Dear Caley,
how's it going. i read that you were from san diego, i'm also from san diego. you sound pretty nice and funny, maybe we should get together sometime. e-mail me if your interested.
jake
lakeside CA


Look, Jake. Perhaps you don't quite understand who I am. Unless (total SB ripoff) your name is short for Jacobrietta, or Jake-Sue, or something like that, it's just not going to work out between you and I. And now, so I don't get any more e-mails like this, here's the Caley Anderson FAQ:

"Are you a guy or a chick?"
-I am a guy.

"How do you pronounce your name?"
-Cay-lee

Thank you.

E-mail Caley at AndersonC@wlu.edu! Send him your queries, and he will shoot you down like Canadians shoot down the Red Baron.

Lost Deep Thought of the Day:
"I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide.
Then, at the very end, there's a page that can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid."

Evil Overlord Resolution of the Day:
"My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system."

Caley's Synopsis of the day of the Day:

Tracked target 18 today in Mafia, who happens to be in one of my morning classes. I found out that she had no class right after the one she shares with me, so I hustled ahead of her after the class was over to her dorm building, and just stood inside the doorway pretending like I was fiddling with something or another. She finally walks in, and the conversation goes like this:

Caley- "Hey, Emily."
Emily- "Yeah?"



Hahaha, gotcha. My next target is in my own dorm building, but I share no classes with him. This will be a bit trickier.

Nothing else really happened today. I'm kind of hungry, but I really don't want to eat any more Ramen right now (I had a dream about Ramen a couple nights back, I'm eating WAY too much of that stuff), and I don't want to spend any more money than I have to on unnecessary food. I only ate a light dinner, and since I don't eat anything BUT dinner each day, stomach is grumbling. Maybe I'll get up early tomorrow for breakfast. Or maybe not.

Added to the List(tm):
Getting Up Early

Pic of the Day:

The person who did this to their cat should be arrested and hung.

Point of Reflection of the Day:
Where does the root cause of war lie? With individual leaders, with nations, or with international systems?

This episode of CEQ brought to you by:

Awexome Cross 98- Thrills, Chills, and Syrup.

AND

Sick, eerie, twisted bastards who like to sing "Clementine" drunk out by the pier at 3am every morning.

Wednesday, February 05, 2003

Here are the retroactive titles for all the To The Thirds up to this point. If you're looking for the Wednesday update, it's right below this stuff.

To The Third 1- 3D Philosophy
To The Third 2- Primary Off-Colors
To The Third 3- You Daaaaamn Right.
To The Third 4- Pacifism and Blunt Force Trauma
To The Third 5- Exhaustive Cursories
To The Third 6- A Lesson For Us All
To The Third 7- Sentience in Multimedia
To The Third 8- TV-Smashing Hammer
To The Third 9- Mizundastood.....or just stupid.

Coming up, To The Third 10- More like Ctrl-Alt-Your Mom

.